(no subject)

[katyism.livejournal.com]

Have you ever had to pass a typing test, or take a typing class, for any of your tech jobs?

Help please...

[miyakin.livejournal.com]

I have technic question - why dont you boys design keyboard with caps lock light on same side as caps lock key? I alWAYS DO THIS BECause I cant see both sides of keyboard at once.

Deflections

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, people calling technical support ask for the impossible.

This is not always a problem. Actions may be impossible for a number of reasons, ranging all the way from Ye Canna Change the Laws of Physics down to That's Perfectly Possible But Not My Department.

Problems arise when callers refuse to accept the reason they can't have what they want. Even when it's We Do Not Deliver Pizza Because You Have Called a Shoe Store.

In order to deflect useless whining, I have developed many techniques. One of these is "OK, It Will Cost". This is where you can promise to give them anything, but give them a price tag to go with it. That way it's Not Your Fault.

"I don't want to call the other department! I want YOU to do this!"
"OK, That Will Cost $200, because you'd be hiring me as a private contractor to take your request to the other department. I also won't be able to do this until after close of business because I have my own work to complete first. And all I will be doing is walking down the hall and dropping your request in the other department's in-box. And that $200 will need to be cash in advance. Or, for free, you could call the other department direct. Seeing as how it's their job and all."

"I want us to use EtchaSketches instead of PCs!"
"OK, That Will Cost $786,000 in training, redeployment, boosting our salaries because we'd be learning new skills, the cost of purchasing hardware, the cost of disposing of our current setup, and covering business profits lost because we'd be using an inferior solution. That will be cash in advance, thanks."

"I want a product which will read my mind and fly to the moon!"
"OK, That Will Cost $38 trillion to develop the industry to research the science needed to produce such a device. They will get back to you with a prototype in 150 years. And that will be cash in advance, thanks."

As long as you appear perfectly willing to help them with what they want, they can only bitch about the cost, not about your service. Anyone have any other favorite loony-deflecting techniques that will get them off your phone or at least make them complain about something different for once?

Fun with auto-responders

[blossomingfire.livejournal.com]

Dear Retired Dean,

I can't help it that Groupwise automatically generates and sends a snotty "your access to my shared address book has been revoked" message because I removed you from a book that you in fact, don't need access to.  

I don't have to dance like a puppet for you any more, twatbag, so I'm going to lay it out on the line for you.  There's no need to send me a message telling me I need to "present my plans in a more positive manner" and copy my boss on it.  But thanks for letting new boss see that everything people are telling him about you being a bitter old bitch is dead on.  

Have a nice damn day,

blossomingfire.

ETA: oh, she just sent her secretary up here with her old palm pilot. Aww, I must have pissed her off. Waah.

Rise of the machines

[major-error.livejournal.com]

http://www.newscientist.com/blog/technology/2006/04/shrug-detector.html
You know it's only a matter of time before your computer can recognise even the most subtle of emotive gestures...

I positively swoon at the thought of what the tech community would program into it for luser abuse*cough*customer support :)

[This moment of geek-zen brought to you by Cluebringer: answerer of all questions! Sold at all sporting-goods outlets and renaisance festivals for your added convenience!]

Microsoft? Never heard of 'em.

[captpackrat.livejournal.com]

Me: "Do you have pricing on Windows Server 2003 Web Edition?"

Salesdroid: "Who makes that?"

Me: D'OH!

(no subject)

[fuego.livejournal.com]

How can you have registered a support contract 3 months ago when the registration number is INSIDE THE ORIGINAL SEALED PACKAGE right now as we speak?

(no subject)

[spaz-own-joo.livejournal.com]

Dear cable company:

I realize that the Motorola SB5100 cable modem says on the box that it's compatible with Windows 98SE. There is s USB driver on the CD that claims to be a USB cable modem driver for Win98SE. I am aware of this.

The driver does NOT WORK RELIABLY. We have phoned you 4 TIMES to inform you of this - if the driver isn't recognized the first time Windows tries to load it, we cannot do a damn thing about it.

Would you please stop promising your subscribers that we will get their Win98 machines online, given that we have told you repeatedly that we can't?

The next time I hear a user tell me you promised them support for this, I will forward them back to your Customer Service department and promise that you will give them a free NIC installation and/or OS upgrade.

senior theses are due tomorrow

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

I'm not done with mine, but I had to work this afternoon anyway. Actually, my coworker took pity on me and covered my shift for most of the afternoon, which meant I didn't end up maiming people.
The anxiety was building up the more I worked with stressed seniors who were closer to finishing than I was.

Look, guys. I have just a few things to say. I know you're panicked and so close to being done and probably haven't slept in a while. But:
1. There is honestly no excuse for not being in the template at this point. Your own ignorance does not count.
2. You have 24 hours. It's okay that the registrar wants you to change the header, because you have enough time.
3. No, we will not format the entire thing for you. That's still your responsibility.
4. The IRCs are not your personal thesis desk. You have one of those, I know you do. So please let other people use the computer when you take off for over an hour, because everyone and their roommate needs to use the ircs now.
5. Please. Shower. Oh good god.

To the girl who had a complete, Word-formatted thesis on Monday, but decided that she would take it upon her computer phobic self to install TeXShop and transfer the entire thesis into LaTeX because it is prettier: Fuck. You. If you have so much goddamn time on your hands, enjoy your extra week or help people with their theses. Don't take up our time by expecting us to give you a crash course in LaTeX because you want your perfectly fine thesis to be a mite bit prettier. Or if you insist on transferring it to LaTeX, do it on your own and don't think that you should get priority over people who have more urgent problems.

Back to my thesis! I'm almost there!