Deflections

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, people calling technical support ask for the impossible.

This is not always a problem. Actions may be impossible for a number of reasons, ranging all the way from Ye Canna Change the Laws of Physics down to That's Perfectly Possible But Not My Department.

Problems arise when callers refuse to accept the reason they can't have what they want. Even when it's We Do Not Deliver Pizza Because You Have Called a Shoe Store.

In order to deflect useless whining, I have developed many techniques. One of these is "OK, It Will Cost". This is where you can promise to give them anything, but give them a price tag to go with it. That way it's Not Your Fault.

"I don't want to call the other department! I want YOU to do this!"
"OK, That Will Cost $200, because you'd be hiring me as a private contractor to take your request to the other department. I also won't be able to do this until after close of business because I have my own work to complete first. And all I will be doing is walking down the hall and dropping your request in the other department's in-box. And that $200 will need to be cash in advance. Or, for free, you could call the other department direct. Seeing as how it's their job and all."

"I want us to use EtchaSketches instead of PCs!"
"OK, That Will Cost $786,000 in training, redeployment, boosting our salaries because we'd be learning new skills, the cost of purchasing hardware, the cost of disposing of our current setup, and covering business profits lost because we'd be using an inferior solution. That will be cash in advance, thanks."

"I want a product which will read my mind and fly to the moon!"
"OK, That Will Cost $38 trillion to develop the industry to research the science needed to produce such a device. They will get back to you with a prototype in 150 years. And that will be cash in advance, thanks."

As long as you appear perfectly willing to help them with what they want, they can only bitch about the cost, not about your service. Anyone have any other favorite loony-deflecting techniques that will get them off your phone or at least make them complain about something different for once?

Comments

[kizayaen.livejournal.com]

I don't even expend the effort anymore.

"Can you help me or not?"
"Nope."
"That's so fucked up! What the fuck! What do they pay you for?!"
"Yep, it's pretty wild. Anything else I can help you with? ... okay, have a good evening."

[trayce.livejournal.com]

In my role I handle RMAs of sat modems and such. Under their warranty it is return to base only - which takes weeks and means they're offline til it gets back.

No one ever likes this solution and bitches and whines for an onsite service call.

So I quote em one. As most of our clients are in remote areas, the travel costs make it easily add up too $100's of dollars every time.

Funnily, after that they're often happy to RTB ship back the modem instead...

[jjjiii]

I'd insist that you cross-ship me a working modem and credit my account for the downtime ;)

[jecook]

That can backfire on you when people take you up on it. (Yes, people _are_ that stupid.)

A co-worker of mine used to be the shop manager at a local Fry's electronic's, and he'd get people offering side jobs to him in the parking lot. he'd quotoe em $50/hr, and they would try to take him up on it.

He wasn't charing enough. my going rate for people wanting to have me do a side job I don't want to do is $100/hr, minimum 1 hour PLUS travel time and a trip charge of whatever the hell I want to run them that day. :)

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Never offer a rate you're not prepared to take them up on. Whether this means tens of dollars or thousands.

"Yeah, that will cost $5000."

"Why so much?"

"You're right, you can probably find it cheaper elsewhere. Good luck with that."

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

for what sort of organisation do you work? an IT department?

[tecie.livejournal.com]

In most of the positions I've held, my scope has been pretty defined. Management would not have taken kindly to my offering my services for $38T.01. It's actually violating the non-compete clause in ye olde contract.
The next best thing is to make the user feel like an idiot. I should note here that I only do this when someone deserves it. And I can type a bit faster then most people can talk.
As the person begins demanding that I tell him how to hook up his home wifi network and configure our VPN software to connect through it, I'll simply begin turning up the tech jargon.
I have used the phrase "Positve IP Lock" and then begun explaining the various differences in frequency usage of 802.11B versus G, and known interference problems. I keep going until they cry uncle.
"But sir!" I'll protest "I'm not even through explaining the basic DHCP tables and why it's important for our VPN that you use the proper local router settings!" as the user tries to give up.
My favorite users are the ones who try at this point to get angry with me and want me to just make it all work. As I've been BSing the user, I've been typing a fun little story in the ticket of how I didn't want to work outside of scope (I really didn't), but the user INISTED(he really did) and how upon explanation of proper networking settings to ensure compatibility with our software, the user suddenly declined to accept further assistance.
And the minute he starts swearing, I'm typing right along with him. And earmarking the ticket to go to management.
It's sadistic. In fact it's pretty mean spirited, but after a while the whole nice part of my brain shut down and I started focussing on getting my job done, which was to handle as many calls as possible. Twelve moderately satisfied users are better then one temporarily appeased problem user.
It's probably best that I no longer provide support over the phone. I'm down to email and a joint ticket system now.
Slowly but surely, I'm removing all possibility of endusers ever speaking to me.

[rorted.livejournal.com]

Twelve moderately satisfied users are better then one temporarily appeased problem user.

Truer words were ne'er spoken.

[kizayaen.livejournal.com]

I sometimes get accused of doing this when I'm being nothing but helpful.

"I tried to load the page but the old version came up from before it was updated."

"Okay. Let me have you click on Tools, then Internet Options, then click on the Delete Files button. Then click 'OK', and try loading the website again."

"It worked! What makes it do that?"

"Well, every time you connect to a website, IE downloads a copy to your hard drive. Then, when you come back to the website, it checks and sees if the one on the server is any newer than the one on your hard drive. If not, then it loads from your hard drive instead of the server. In this case, its check didn't work the way it should have, so we told it to delete all the copies of all the websites on your hard drive, so it HAS to go to the server."

(At this point I can hear the glassy-eyed stare. It's rare that anyone will let me get through the whole spiel before deciding they don't want to know anymore. And that's not even a tech-intensive explanation. I've had people ask me about VPN MTU settings and IPSec over UDP vs. IPSec over TCP before...)

[katyism.livejournal.com]

Posts like this make me dearly wish I could lie on the phone. Alas, supervisor sits directly behind my desk.

[canray.livejournal.com]

I work with Wireless Network Connections. The vast majority of my calls are computers losing Network Keys. Better than having an open Wireless Network, at least.

But, "Why does this always happen?" "Ask your computer, it's the one doing it." "I WANT YOU TO MAKE IT KEEP IT'S NETWORK KEY!!!"

...

"OK. I suggest you invest heavily in the Wireless Computer Networks industries and demand they make it less buggy. We just offer the service, and use the products just like you do."