Deflections
Apr. 27th, 2006 11:18 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
the-s-guy.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
techrecoverySometimes, people calling technical support ask for the impossible.
This is not always a problem. Actions may be impossible for a number of reasons, ranging all the way from Ye Canna Change the Laws of Physics down to That's Perfectly Possible But Not My Department.
Problems arise when callers refuse to accept the reason they can't have what they want. Even when it's We Do Not Deliver Pizza Because You Have Called a Shoe Store.
In order to deflect useless whining, I have developed many techniques. One of these is "OK, It Will Cost". This is where you can promise to give them anything, but give them a price tag to go with it. That way it's Not Your Fault.
"I don't want to call the other department! I want YOU to do this!"
"OK, That Will Cost $200, because you'd be hiring me as a private contractor to take your request to the other department. I also won't be able to do this until after close of business because I have my own work to complete first. And all I will be doing is walking down the hall and dropping your request in the other department's in-box. And that $200 will need to be cash in advance. Or, for free, you could call the other department direct. Seeing as how it's their job and all."
"I want us to use EtchaSketches instead of PCs!"
"OK, That Will Cost $786,000 in training, redeployment, boosting our salaries because we'd be learning new skills, the cost of purchasing hardware, the cost of disposing of our current setup, and covering business profits lost because we'd be using an inferior solution. That will be cash in advance, thanks."
"I want a product which will read my mind and fly to the moon!"
"OK, That Will Cost $38 trillion to develop the industry to research the science needed to produce such a device. They will get back to you with a prototype in 150 years. And that will be cash in advance, thanks."
As long as you appear perfectly willing to help them with what they want, they can only bitch about the cost, not about your service. Anyone have any other favorite loony-deflecting techniques that will get them off your phone or at least make them complain about something different for once?
This is not always a problem. Actions may be impossible for a number of reasons, ranging all the way from Ye Canna Change the Laws of Physics down to That's Perfectly Possible But Not My Department.
Problems arise when callers refuse to accept the reason they can't have what they want. Even when it's We Do Not Deliver Pizza Because You Have Called a Shoe Store.
In order to deflect useless whining, I have developed many techniques. One of these is "OK, It Will Cost". This is where you can promise to give them anything, but give them a price tag to go with it. That way it's Not Your Fault.
"I don't want to call the other department! I want YOU to do this!"
"OK, That Will Cost $200, because you'd be hiring me as a private contractor to take your request to the other department. I also won't be able to do this until after close of business because I have my own work to complete first. And all I will be doing is walking down the hall and dropping your request in the other department's in-box. And that $200 will need to be cash in advance. Or, for free, you could call the other department direct. Seeing as how it's their job and all."
"I want us to use EtchaSketches instead of PCs!"
"OK, That Will Cost $786,000 in training, redeployment, boosting our salaries because we'd be learning new skills, the cost of purchasing hardware, the cost of disposing of our current setup, and covering business profits lost because we'd be using an inferior solution. That will be cash in advance, thanks."
"I want a product which will read my mind and fly to the moon!"
"OK, That Will Cost $38 trillion to develop the industry to research the science needed to produce such a device. They will get back to you with a prototype in 150 years. And that will be cash in advance, thanks."
As long as you appear perfectly willing to help them with what they want, they can only bitch about the cost, not about your service. Anyone have any other favorite loony-deflecting techniques that will get them off your phone or at least make them complain about something different for once?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}