I'm sure you've all had this person...

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Yes, ma'am, it's entirely my fault that you didn't call the helpdesk and ask for the email queue when you were offsite and couldn't access your email.
It's entirely my fault that you chose to allow your LEARNING CENTER TEACHER to set up your email.
It is, additionally, my fault that said teacher set up your Outlook profile on that computer to deliver to a personal folder located on the learning center computer's hard drive.
It is most supremely my fault that you are miles away from the learning center now and want your email and cannot get it because it no longer resides on your Exchange server.
Also, I am entirely to blame for the fact that you don't know anyone at the learning center who can copy your personal folder to a disk and get it to you that way.

Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

Seriously, WTF.

(no subject)

[bekscilla.livejournal.com]

Has anyone ever actually seen an error message that includes the words "blah blah"? Because I've had 4 or 5 users lately tell me it says "blah blah".

Mind you - remote assistance somehow makes the error message have actual words in it, so i've never seen these error messages

I don't know how users expect us to work out what the issue is, when they can't even read what is on their screen. It's no wonder they're having issues.

(cross-posted to my journal)

dear dickhead salesman

[justsomegurl.livejournal.com]

x-posted to my journal

I do not have anything against sales people in general, just this one)

Dear Asshat,

Thank you for nothing. Thank you for dropping the ball in May 2004, November
2004, AND f*ng June 2005! Do I have to hold your pathetic little hand every
second of every motherloving day?

The website is up for christ's sake. It was setup as a temporary site last
freaking year. The domain name is registered. This sale is handed to you
on a silver platter. You have to take 5 min to add her into the computer
and send her a bill. That's all. Point the domain name to the existing site
and boom, she's up! Plus, you get a commision for this!

How can you be so insanely stupid. The only thing that could be better
is if money grew out of your ears, dumbfuck.

Thank you,

The miserable tech who doesn't have the authority to just do the shit
herself.

(no subject)

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

"I don't like your cocky attitude."
Sorry lady, that's what happens when you know what you're doing and have little patience with those who are so emotionally unstable that they're "close to tears" over a damn internet connection. One would think if you valued it you'd learn how to actually work it, wouldn't one? Oh well, logic never really has a place in your worthless little waste of a skull, does it? You just use it to produce and amplify that whiny little-girl-voice that, while endearing in 8 year olds in the 50's, doesn't work so well when you're 60 in 2005. That and your ego. I mean, it must be pretty large if you think I give one sack of trebuchet-launched flaming monkey shit about how you 'feel' about my attitude. I'm not swearing at your dumb ass, consider it the bonus it is and follow directions.

"I'm losing money every minute!"
Oops, please hold.

"The last tech did (this thing totally wrong) and it didn't work!"
And people wonder why I get so arrogant. I'm arrogant because of people like those other techs. I'm just worse at hiding it. I know what I'm doing, they have half a clue, and that still puts us a clue and a half ahead of YOU, dear customer. So shut up, sit down, hang on, and we'll get you off my phone and on the internet. If you don't make an ass out of yourself, you'll be happier. Meanwhile, give me the name of that last tech so I know whos keyboard to shit on during the night.

Unplug the power cable from the modem. It's the black one.
"You want me to unplug what one? The yellow one?"
No, the black one.
"Okay... *rustle rustle rustle*"
Well?
"I unplugged the yellow one."
WTF?

Someones been spiking the water supply with idiocy today.

(no subject)

[toxico.livejournal.com]

Asshat Customer: Can you stay on the line with me while I do this?
Me: This could take upwards of an hour or two.
AC: Oh, I don't mind.

.....

I have no words for this.

(no subject)

[darkblade1.livejournal.com]

No I will not give you credit. What is it credit day?? Are we suppose to be handing out money for your stupid failures? Not on my watch.

Yeah, you pay us....but our internet is working. Perhaps that money could be more well spent on an education for you.

Thanks and have a nice day.

darkblade1

Even Internals Can Be Stupid

[nightsinger.livejournal.com]

A bit of an intro: I work internal, level two, tech support, meaning I don't talk to customers -- I talk to reps who talk to customers, and who are supposed to do basic troubleshooting before calling me. (I'm sure you can imagine how well that theory goes.)

Stupid Rep: "My customer can't log in to our website."
Me: "Uh, okay. Has she registered?"
Rep: "Well, um, yes. But when she tries to log in, it doesn't recognise her password."
Me: "Okay... Let me look up her registration." There isn't one. "Uh, it doesn't look as though she has registered."
Rep: "I unregistered her."
Me: "...oookay... Let's have her re-register, then, and use a different username."
Rep puts me on hold for a few minutes, then comes back.
Rep: "It's still not working."
Me: "...Do we know what the new default password is, so we can try logging in ourselves?"
Rep: "No. I'll just reset it for her again."
Me: "Err... don't do that. Let's just see if --"
Rep: "I've sent out another reset for her. Let me see if she can log in."
He puts me on hold.
Rep: "No, she still can't log in."
Me: "Can we get the password from her, so we can try it? I want to make sure she's typing it in correctly; they are case sensitive."
Rep: "I don't have it. I'll just reset it again and send her out another email."

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. Resetting the password infinite times WILL HELP NOTHING, YOU ILLITERATE MORON.

*headdesk*

Overheard, Just Now, On Our Desk

[fragbert.livejournal.com]

"This is the service desk, not the help desk. We're not here to help you, we're..."

Then the analyst thought about the impending conclusion of that statement and shut up.

Tales of idiocy...

[guitarguy1980.livejournal.com]

Tale #1

Me = Yours Truly
TR = Tire Retreader

Me: So, it's a terminal you're on, not a PC?
TR: No, it's a PC. It has a keyboard and everything.
Me: So you're sure you're on a Windows PC, and you're using it in the shop?
TR: Yes, positively sure.
Me: Ok, fine. So, can you right-click on my network places and tell me if you see network connections?
TR: There is no network connections.
Me: Ok, so what does it say when you click on My Computer?
TR: There is no My Computer.
Me: (Getting frustrated)Ok, So, can you look on the side of the computer and tell me if it says anything?
TR: Yeah, it says ET5000 Terminal. Oh...I guess it's a terminal.
Me: Yeah, I guess so.

Tale #2
Me = The Bomb
PS = My father

PS: Son, I think there's a problem with my computer
Me: Alright, what's wrong with it?
PS: The audio makes funny sounds when I'm online, but it doesn't make any weird sounds when I'm offline.
Me: Dad, you have a cable modem, you're always online.
PS: No, I'm not online when I've got the computer off
Me: Duh. So what is it doing when you're online?
PS: When I change the volume on my speakers it makes a crackling sound.
Me: A crackling sound like it might have a short in the volume pot?
PS: Yeah.
Me: Perhaps it's a short in the volume pot.
PS: You know, it might be.

Note: I'd never even heard this so called problem, and I fixed it for him. Turns out it was a short. Swapped speakers, and everything is fine. Oi. I came from him....sheesh

Tale #3

Me = The Awesomeness
TR = Different Tire retreader than tale #1

TR: Yeah, so I have this Handheld here, and it's acting funny.
Me: Can you describe a little more what you mean by "acting funny"
TR: Well, it's giving me this error.
Me: (Waiting for a few seconds) What error?
TR: (verbatim) Aw shit, now I gotta fucking go get this fucking thing
*Noise like he threw phone down, walking, 5 seconds of silence*
TR: Alright, the error says "Error: Your battery is dangerously low, it is recommended you save your work and power down, or connect an external power supply."
Me: Ok, so what's your question?
TR: What's that mean? What should I do?
Me: Um, it means your battery is low, and you're going to lose your work if you don't save it, cause it's going to die. You might want to shut it down or connect an AC adapter.

Note: *headdesk*

I swear, I couldn't make this shit up.

How not to run a startup technical support business.

[theogrin.livejournal.com]

Word-of-mouth, valuable as it is, really doesn't do much for me. See, when the neighbor across the street has had his computer backed up and repaired 'x' number of times, he then tells a family friend. They ask me to come over and fix their computer, then provide technical support for their 15-year-old son, who incidentally has recently found that music can be FREE!!1!!1 So as not to provide him with more work for me to do, I inform his parents politely that XP Pro can be easily locked-down, and even show them how to do it. The son calls me up a few days later, asking what happened to his internet (I replaced it with Firefox, and one way or another YOU'RE ON AOL), why Kazaa is missing (I reinstalled your operating system), and what the blue, circular 'a' and 'i' icons are in the bottom of the screen. (Virus scanner.) I walk him through installing iTunes on his computer, and that works just peachy, so no worries there...mostly. I had to put up with questions about 'how do I add files to my playlist' and 'where did you put my music??/?' (Under the My Music folder, Mr. Medulla Oblongata.) The kid's going to call me twice a day for the rest of my time in this state, because 'omg! I put WildTangent on there, and now X and Y and Z are happening'...after I tell him repeatedly, "Don't install programs to run games, period, unless they're on a CD you bought from the store, on threat of enormous searing pain..."

And now he's referring me to a friend of his who needs his computer repaired, because (gasp) Limewire and Kazaa have taken over the system. And the circle is just going to keep on expanding for the next month, until it collapses because of my move to another state.

(crosspost to customers_suck, techsupport, and personal)