(no subject)

[thesawg.livejournal.com]

I had the joy of listening in on some of the new people today as a part of their training (listen and give them feedback and help them during the call and stuff).

So, one of the new guys got a call from a rather fun customer.  First off, he refused to give any sort of information to look him up.  But the guy kept interrupting demanding to speak with the head of the call center, something about how he couldn't get his mail and he wasn't happy with the last tech's answer, which I later heard it was a referral to a computer shop because of his computer having issues.  Now, the guy in charge of our place is also in charge of the billing call center, which is also where his office is.  So, he is rarely in the building, and even if he was he does not take calls.  The when the guy got sick of "He is currently not available" he demanded for the CEO's direct phone number.  Which I am sure exists, but nobody knows it, and if we did like hell we would give it to him.  But he was insistent that he was going to talk to the CEO of the entire company (because, his computer is broken).  Whatever, we do have a number for the corporate office, it's a reception desk and we are allowed to give that out.  But I didn't know it off, so just call a senior tech and get it.  But this guy refused to let the tech even out him on hold because he didn't want to be transfered to a senior tech, he wanted to speak with the CEO.

Tech: "Sir, please listen to me, I am not transferring you to a senior technician, but I need to contact one to get the number for the corporate office for you."
Yet he still refused, demanding to be transfered to the CEO's office immeadatly.
After parroting the same damn thing several times and trying to convince him there is no way to transfer him to the CEO or the head of the call center, he finally hung up.

And to my surprise, the new guy got a good laugh out of that one and moved right on.  I know if I was in training and I got that call I might have just quit right there.
I think I heard the guy call back a few more times and was finally given the number for the corporate office and the head of the office for his local system.  They have both been informed that the issues is with the customers system.  At this point, the the customer does not willingly cancel his service, I heard it will be canceled for him.

Set Slow = True

[krrayn.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I'm having problems with my [program], I'm trying to do [process] and it's really slow, it's taking a long time. Is there some kind of setting I have to configure or something?"

Yes. There is a system setting in the program labeled SLOW. When you install the software it defaults to On, because we don't believe in enabling our customers to be efficient with their work. Congratulations, you're one of the few people who guessed the existence of this undocumented feature.

The performance of our program on your computer couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that your computer is 5 years old, your network infrastructure is 10 years old, your hard drive is riddled with spyware, you have seven programs open and twelve processes in the system tray and you're downloading stolen MP3s while listening to Hillary Duff on a radioweb broadcast. And chatting with your peeps on AIM. All six of them.

Ass.

(no subject)

[ex-deliveryboy.livejournal.com]

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE TODAY?!?!?!



ok, people are stupider than usual.


Yes, when we save your card on file, we authorize the card for $1.00 to show that it is a valid card. The authorization never goes through. If you bank charged you an NSF fee for that $1.00 authorization, you have much bigger problems, no, we won't cover it, and no we are not calling your bank for you. Your a grown up, deal with it.


and the next guy


we have a security phrase for a reason, if you don't know it, we aren't releasing any account information. ok, yes, finally, that is the correct one, guess what, your account is locked for non-payment. No, I don't care how much money you have on there, the bank ain't paying it, call them. And now for a direct quote from my notes on that call....


While I was assisting him with the "popup" and asked him if his web browser was open, he stated several times to stop speaking 'computerese' and speak English


Hey, Rectal Yamaka, I am speaking English, not recreating a scene from the Miracle Worker.

"in mr slave voice" oh jesus... jesus christ...

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

A tech-support nightmare waiting to happen.

i've already emailed this person to tell them that 95% of their page is completely wrong.

valis

Oh... was that important?

[klytus.livejournal.com]

What is it with these people? A luser calls in with what seems like a fairly mundane problem with synchronizing. Only after the basic troubleshooting, its clear he has a rather more serious problem. So I go through every trick I know for about 45 minutes, and still have no answers. I go to my boss (the divine [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]) and show her my work log. She has me remote into the user's laptop to run a check for spyware and such before we kick it to 2nd level support. I don't see anything out of the ordinary, but I do try to run the application again, just to make sure this guy is doing it right. When I do, I get this big red "X" error box pop-up. I ask the luser about it. At this point he tells me that he's been getting this error "for a while now", but he never thought it had anything to do with the problem he was having now. The error only spelled out *EXACTLY* why this process wasn't working, you oozing snot-rag! Yeah, we still need to give it to 2nd level support, but if I had been told about the error at the outset, we could have avoided 45 minutes of wasted time!

As punishment, 2nd level support is not only getting a screenshot of the error, but of the wallpaper on your desktop.

Idiot.

"Nosane iro gavane domorakoshi, Diynen'd'ma'purvene?"

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Sorry, my geek is showing again.

Anyway, I must really not be speaking English today.

ME: (name of helpdesk), this is Megan, how can I help you?
HIM: Hello, Patty, I am having problems with VPN.

x-posted to customers_suck

Spangrish

[krrayn.livejournal.com]

Much like Engrish, this is what happens when a South American customer attempts to communicate with us by using something like Babelfish to translate their perfectly sensible Spanish into something like this:

I understand your information, but me you to collaborate in ascertaining about this send.
I consider that already has passed a lot time.

My own silliness

[taii.livejournal.com]

Thought I'd share a silly moment I had about a year ago on a previous helpdesk I worked on...

I was taking a call from a user abroad, and as such we were authorised to VNC on to their PCs so we could view and - if necessary - take control of the PC for the user.
So, I was chatting away, watching what the user was doing and then she had to run off to do something.
While she was away, I went to set my phone so, if her line was accidentally disconnected, I wouldn't pick up another call. Instead of hitting the AUX button, I accidentally hit release.

Oh, shi!

I sit for a few seconds, wondering what the hell to do, as I hadn't taken a contact number yet.
( then I had an idea )

The 2nd level had a good laugh at my expense when I told him what I did.
He thought it was a great idea, though