I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes

[coyoteden.livejournal.com]

Of all the sci-fi references you could possibly make in the computer support field, I find I can quote Spaceballs more than anything.

If that reflects the state of the technology, that's scary.

I've used the topic quip on more than one occasion, usually after being put on hold when calling a vendor, wading thru a million phone menus, and being transferred to the wrong department.

When hardware fails: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
...if it's been flaky and gets worse: She's gone from suck to blow.
and if it's brand new, shiny!™ and totally, completely DOA, you guessed it: FUCK! Even in the future nothing works

Naturally, there are lusers, and they set luser passwords. Something along the lines of 1...2...3...4...5... at which time I inform them that's the same combination I have on my luggage.

Once I was seated at a server trying to push changes out to the workstations. It didn't work. After 15 minutes of dicking around I realized it was simply not going to work, stood up, delivered the perfect "Forget it, forget it, no more beaming. This time I’m going to walk!" and went next door to the workstations. (and the customers actually got the reference!)

There is one quote I love that's not from Spaceballs, it's from possibly the worst episode of Star Trek made, and I'd love to see it on a poster for the helpdesk: He's worse than dead, his brain's missing!

(no subject)

[jahbulon.livejournal.com]

Motherfucker today..

"When I click on 'my account' it gives me a 404. What's wrong with your website?"

"Ok, well the 'my account' listing there is part of a java box. Its not actually a link, its a drop down menu, you should have 'Account Management' and 'Webmail' as two options there, do you get a drop down box?"

"No."

"OK, well you might want to try downloading java from sun.com"

"I use java on MY website and it works fine"

"Ok, do you have the latest version?"

"No!"

"Well, you should try downloading and installing it then"

"My computer isn't the problem, its your website. Your site is the only site on the internet having this problem."
(refrained from saying : so you reached the end of the internet eh? did you fall off?)

"Sir the page works fine for me. The problem is on your computer somewhere. It may be IE, it may be a java issue, I don't know, but you'll need to reinstall java as it's the most likely suspect."

"You guys don't know what you're doing." [click]



I am soooo tired of tech support.

(no subject)

[dmsalem00.livejournal.com]

What is this irrational fear end-users have of rebooting their computer? Is it really that bad?

Help needed

[creatorofsplab.livejournal.com]

I'm having major problems getting online. It allows me to dial in for a few minutes, then it stops recieving data and forces my modem to hang up. I don't know what's causing it, but I know what isn't causing it.

It's not the modem.
It's not the ISP
It's not a faulty cable
It's not a virus
It's not my tcp/ip settings
I reinstalled XP twice, so it's not my OS.

If anyone has any idea what else it might be, I'd really appreciate the help.

Hatred

[codedigital.livejournal.com]

I absolutely HATE AOL and their software.

(no subject)

[jahbulon.livejournal.com]

Its an odd occurrence, so I thought I'd share..

I'm having one of those days when I'm completely relaxed, albeit somewhat bored. The queues are almost completely dead and I take a call roughly once in 15 mins.. A comfortable time span.

I've spoken to a few morons, and a few rabid arseholes... None of it is bothering me, my patience knows no bounds and an emotional diatribe from some luser in the middle of the outback is like water on a duck.

Just one of those days I guess..

My God - unedited notes

[jahbulon.livejournal.com]

cust wishes to reopen account
advised cust contact accounts dept
cust advises can't get her email
advised cust account is inactive and she will need to speak to accounts dept
cust advises she cannot see why she needs to speak to the accounts dept

advised cust as the account is currently inactive, it cannot be used
advised cust accounts are the only ones who can change that status
cust advises she needs a tech to help her with her email

advised cust as the account is currently inactive it cannot be used
advised cust accounts are the only ones who can change that status
cust advises she was told it would be fine until the 8th
advised cust that may be the case, but the account is currently inactive
advised cust the accounts dept can help her

cust advises she needs a tech for her email
advised cust the account is inactive and needs to be reopened by the accounts dept only
advised I am in tech support and cannot change the status of the account
cust wants ME to help her with her email

advised cust account is closed
advised she needs to speak to accounts dept and until that has occurred absolutely nothing can be done, she will not receive email, she will not be able to connect and no-one else, but the accounts dept, can help her

call closed