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mustangracer.livejournal.com

I work with credit card terminals.

One of our "UBER IMPORTANT" (Head up ass!) client calls with an issue hitting an SSL address, keeps failing. I do some basic troubleshooting and tell them I will double check something with the device maker.
They have 2 models of devices that are identical except one is PN #AAA and one is PN#AAB. I have both of those in my inventory so I try to recreate the issue. No dice. Everything works fine here.

Must be their network (they have a jacked up setup). Of course, they say "NO WAY! OUR NETWORK IS UBER! Our IT guy is a god and you are dumb!"

So, they decide that they need to send me the "broken" equipment.

I plug it in. Nope. Doesn't work on my network either. Defective?

Since we didn't sell this specific piece O crap to them...I tell them to get a hold of the device reseller and troubleshoot it.

2 days - crickets.

I email them to see how they want their doorstops shipped back and the EVP has a holy hissy fit on me.
"Why didn't I do more? Why didn't I call their reseller and figure it out??"

Like you assholes are my only client and this isn't costing my company money that we will never get from you.

I take another look. Date's wrong in the device memory.
It's gone back to 2001.

DHCP. SSL certificates expired 11/22/2001.

God they are morons. Who doesn't fix the date/time on something before they even play with it?

Change date/time - renew/release the IP.

Huh, image that. SSL cert date of 10/06/2011 - works fine...

lolotehe

Guy calls our desk and is having trouble with his TV. I let him know that our desk does not handle that, but if he goes to av.domain.com, he'll find some contact information there.

"It won't find that email address."

That's not an email address; it's a website.

"So how do I get there?"

You just type that in the address bar in Explorer.

"But it didn't find that address."

Not in Outlook; in Explorer.

He opens IE and the company's internal home-page comes up.

"Where is it on here?"

You just type it into the address bar at the top.

"It just brought up a bunch of stuff. Which one do I click?"

Like what? What do you mean, 'a bunch of stuff'?

"The Bing results."

OK, don't type it in the search bar. Type it in the address bar.

"What was that site again?"

AV.domain.com.

(typing)"AV@domain.com.....it's not finding it."

AND I COULD GO ON, BUT I'M SURE YOU'VE BEEN THERE.

kiwiria.livejournal.com

1. When we say we'll drop by, log off your PC and take a coffee break. It's no problem for us to gain access to and remember 1500 networks.

2. When you call and want your computer moved, make sure that it's covered under hundreds of postcards, baby photos, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and recipes. We don't have lives of our own and we are deeply touched when you let us get a glimpse of yours.

3. When we send out important emails and relate vital informations, feel free to delete them - immediately and without reading them. We're probably just checking the mailing lists.

4. When we eat lunch at our desk, feel free to interrupt us with your problems, and expect answers immediately. We're here to serve, and we're always ready to solve computer errors.

5. When we're taking a coffee break, having a cigarette or joining the talk at the water cooler, we're also available for technical questions. The real reason for these human activities are that we offer ourselves to people without email and phone.

6. Send all important emails with CAPITAL LETTERS. The mail-server recognizes these as important and deliver them EXPRESS to the recipient.

7. If the photocopier, fax machine or coffee machine doesn't work, call us. There's probably some sort of electronic system in it, which makes it an obvious case for us to solve.

8. If there's something wrong with your home PC, leave it on an empty chair, without name, without phone number, without error message. We love a really good mystery.

9. When we try to guide you through problems over phone, feel free to read the newspaper while we talk. We don't expect YOU to do anything. We're just talking to ourselves.

10. When we offer training in new systems, feel free to ignore them. We're still here, when you need personal training.

11. If the printer doesn't work, send the job at least 20 times. It's a known problem that print jobs disappear into the great kosmos without explanation.

12. If the printer still doesn't work after 20 jobs, send the job to every printer available. There's probably one of them that still works.

13. Avoid using Online help. It's only for complete idiots.

14. If you take IT-classes in your spare time, please update various drivers in your own and your apartment's computers. We're grateful for the chance to troubleshoot for hours after you've gone home.

15. When we help you during lunch, feel free to eat your lunch in front of us. We work best when we're slightly starved and weakened.

16. Never thank us for our assistence. We're fully satisfied with "That's what you're paid for!"

17. When we ask if you've installed any new programs on your computer, lie. It's none of our business what you have on your work PC.

18. If the cable to your mouse constantly knocks over the photo of your hamster, feel free to place the cable under the PC. Cables are made to withstand heavy weights and sharp edges.

19. If your spacebar doesn't work, it's probably due to an update. Keyboards work best when filled with cake crumbs and spilled coffee.

20. If a message asks "Are you sure?" click Enter immediately. Of course you are sure! Otherwise you wouldn't be doing anything!

21. Please tell us that you don't know anything about this "computershit". We love when the need you have for our professional abilities is described as "shit".

22. When you need to change the toner, please call us. Changing a toner is an incredibly complex technical task.

23. When something is wrong with your computer, get your secretary to call IT. Nothing is more exciting than talking to somebody, who doesn't know what the problem is.

24. If you receive a 30 MB movie, feel free to forward it to every other colleague. We have plenty of space on our mail servers.

25. Never consider splitting huge print jobs up into smaller jobs. It would be awful if somebody managed to slip in a small rush job.

26. When you meet one of us at the supermarket Saturday afternoon, you're more than welcome to ask questions. We work 24-7-365.

27. If your son studies IT, feel free to let him use your office PC for his projects. We're always happy to help when his pirated copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes our SQL databases crash.

28. Remember that it is a huge help for us if you can tell us that last time you had this problem, "somebody just did something and then it worked." This information is the key to everything.

29. When you bring us your private PC so we can troubleshoot it, remember to tell us, how important it is, because your kids need it to play Doom 2. We'll take care of it immediately in our spare time, which is held at the office anyway. Everybody knows, we just spend all day surfing the internet.

30. Feel free to download and install programs from the Internet. If it doesn't work - or destroys your office PC completely - it was probably a useless machine anyway.

kerberos.livejournal.com

So, we got a big project of getting 70+ clients websites transfered from Old_bad_server to New_good_server.
we will bascially do nothing more then make new accounts and then repoint dns once client has transfered the files and fiddled with it.

Problem is , about 50 of these are client we took over from another business that went under. They are lets call it "non technical".
We have pizza parlours, hairdresser and the like.

As such I was working on a text to send to them explaining the whole thing.

Upon seeing it my "boss" goes " Can you include a link to our competitors, just so they have an option?".

Yeah, way to go. I feel extremly motivated now, I know the clients aren't the best, but feeling my work means zilch to the company
really really sucks.

Have done this through 10 years and 2 mergers.

Hey I get the whole "not our main business anymore" deal to it, but seriously there are better ways to go about it when you want the Tech to
spend his energy on an increased workload for the next 2 months to fix a problem for you.

The fact is , I also get a kickback from sales of new stuff. So if I get these folks to sign up to a new deal on the new server I would get more to take home. my "boss" knows this and still all he sees is PROBLEMS.

Current Mood: apathetic

delta_mike

(Previously. Recap: University sysadmin.)

Name the new batch of file-servers after Latin expletives.
Name any server ORWELL.
.. especially if it's the network IDS box or HTTP proxy server.
.. your second choice of name of BLACKMAIL for the HTTP proxy server is likewise vetoed.
Change the ring-tone on my office phone to the theme tune from "Mission: Impossible".
... or have it signal an incoming call from the Financial officer by playing, "Back in Black."
... similarly forbidden combinations include "Smoke on the Water" for the building Fire officer, "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" for the site medical team, or "Go Go Power Rangers" for campus security.
... Modification of the ringtone or any other setting of other users' handsets without express permission from the owner is likewise forbidden.
Random Early Drop is not a legitimate strategy for coping with too many support tickets.
The back-up tapes are not scared of the dark.
... Do not assign individual personalities to different back-up tapes.
... Do not draw eyes and faces on the back-up tapes in permanent black marker.
... The back-up tapes cannot speak, nor have they formed a collective and elected you their leader.
... In the event the back-up tapes do speak, you are not to follow their advice.
In short, do not anthropomorphise the backup tapes. We don't like it.
... We are not asking you to anthropomorphise Departmental Management. Despite your protestations to the contrary, we are already anthropomorphic.
No, rioting in the streets does not constitute legal grounds for forming a "People's Militia", a.k.a forming your own Security group.
... Also, no, martial-arts instruction can't be funded out of the Departmental training budget.
... We are, however, accepting your request for training in first-aid. We suspect it's probably a bad idea, but we can't immediately see how..

(Continued!)

Current Mood: amused

delta_mike

1/ Feigned Innocence:

"Who, me? I haven't done anything wrong."

2/ Minimisation:

"Oh, *that*. Well, I was downloading this one thing. Well, okay, six... but everybody does it!"

3/ Bargaining:

"Are you sure you have to take my PC away and tell my supervisor? Is this going to screw my degree?"

4/ Acceptance:

"Right. Uh, would you like me to show you where I stored everything?"

5/ Humility:

"... Oh. So you knew everything before you even appeared. Right."

Sometimes followed by:

6a/ Paralysis:

<FEAR>

6b/ Flight:

Current Mood: amused

ravenofdreams.livejournal.com

Things that irrationally annoy the bejeezus out of me: people who say "linksee" instead of "linksys".

lolotehe

One of the tragedies of technical support is you never get to spend a lot of time with the people you want to talk to.

ravenofdreams.livejournal.com

I work at a computer repair store that is an official repair centre for.... let's call them 'Pear' Computers. We are not a corporate store, just a reseller.
Recently, Pear came out with a new OS... Doberman, say. If you bought a Pear in the last 30 days, you can upgrade to Doberman for free. You do this by submitting an online request directly to Pear, at which point they email you a redemption code, essentially a gift card. Included in that request, you must upload a copy of your receipt.
I hate this idea with all the hate in the world.

People:
NO, this is not a Pear store. We cannot issue you the code directly. We cannot just install it for you, and certainly not for free. We cannot issue you the code. I do not have some Sooper Sekrit List of upgrade codes that I am just not telling you about.
YES, the only way to get the code is to submit that online form.
YES, you must upload a copy of your receipt.
YES, it must be an electronic copy. (If you wish to try and stuff your receipt into your ethernet jack, please do. We can replace that when you break it, and would be happy to charge you to do so.)
NO, I cannot give you that electronic copy. Did you buy your new Pear from us? No? Then why would I have a copy of the receipt for something you bought somewhere else?
YES, it must be an electronic copy. Okay, you want to scan it. Yes, I can tell you how to do that. What kind of scanner do you have?
....oh. You don't HAVE a scanner.
NO, I cannot teach you how to use a device you do not own.
...ahaha, what you mean is that you want to come use our scanner.
NO. Go find a Kinko's or purchase a scanner. We could sell you one, but we do not have an open scanner that you can use.
NO, that is not what the Pear phone rep meant when they said we would show you how to use your scanner.

*headdesk*

polarbee.livejournal.com

This is the the kind of ticket I need first thing Monday morning:

"Requester reports a phantom paper jam is haunting the Konica. Requests exorcist."

Current Mood: amused

delta_mike

(Previously. Recap: University sysadmin.)

Install posters about the building advertising Sysadmin Appreciation Day.
... particularly those listing karma score exchange rates for various classes of gift.
... you are also not permitted to take that day off as leave for the express purpose of encouraging the user population to appreciate you when you are here.

(Continued!)

Current Mood: amused

lolotehe

HIM: You guys are just plumbers for computers.

ME: Plumbers never have to listen to how people aren't "toilet literate".

delta_mike

(Previously. Recap: University sysadmin.)

Install signs of any description next to the building's motorized rotating doors.
... Especially labels that read, "It is perfectly safe to walk through this device."
... Especially when the label can only be read after stepping inside.
Grief the undergraduates on the Minecraft server they're running on one of the Departmental interactive shell machines.
Maintain a list of things that ${BOSS_SYSADMIN} is not allowed to do at work.
Violate Eschaton Clause Three.
Make clear that when I'm talking about simple alternatives to manipulating git history, that I'm referring to the revision control tools of that name, rather than the Helpdesk manager.
"I am altering your disk quota. Pray I do not alter it any further."
Answer queries of the form "What am I doing wrong?" with the response, "Would you like an enumerated list?"
I shall not refer to the handcrank used for locking / unlocking room partitions as the Education Stick.
Zero /etc/passwd on a clueless user's computer so that they can't log in -- causing the console to print "You don't exist. Go away." when they try to reboot via CTRL-ALT-DEL...
Unload a CO2 fire-extinguisher on people standing next to a 'No Smoking' sign while puffing on a cigarette.
Use the Justice Field episode of Red Dwarf as a model for how best to educate / punish users that try to do evil things. Such as wipe another user's home directory..
Configure my workstation to run interesting screensavers with a short time-out, as they may have the effect of diverting the attention of senior members of the department when they stop by my desk to talk to me.
... or get them to sign-off on pay-rises or changes in effective responsibility while they're cognitively distracted.
... Also, stop trying to take over Security operations. We said 'no'.

(Continued!)

Current Mood: amused

kizayaen.livejournal.com

For any of you overqualified people stuck on a tier 1 helpdesk making beans:

Two, and possibly three, graveyard shift NOC operator openings with my company working four 10-hour shifts in Seattle. Duties will include mainly Windows server and network administration and troubleshooting for a 24-7-365 global ecommerce company you've almost certainly heard of -- looking to break a billion dollars in revenue this year. Salary will probably be in the $28/hr range -- I'm not involved in the actual hiring process and can't confirm that for absolutesure. Benefits are pretty standardish for IT work. I got the job without certs or a degree, so that's at least potentially feasible.

If this sounds of interest to you, you can send resumes or questions to my livejournal email address.

EDIT: Almost forgot to add, there is a 0% chance of working from home.

hairbrush.livejournal.com

Background: I do freelance repair while I'm finishing up school. I work out of my home.

Okay, this client dropped off his Sony laptop with me because the keyboard needed to be replaced. Seems simple enough, right? Well, I fix that, call him to let him know he can pick it up, should be end of story, right?

...Of course it isn't that easy.

Colonel Dumbfuck: Oh, great, thanks. If I leave it with you a few more days, can you make it an Apple for me?

Me: *pause* ..Do you mean install the OS X operating system? Well, yes, but your hard drive isn't large enough to support both that and your current Windows installation, with all of your current files and documents, so-

Colonel Dumbfuck: No, like.. make it an Apple. All white and with the Apple logo.

Me: ..No, sir, if you want an Apple-branded product, you would need to purchase an Apple-branded product. I am not authorized to build Apple products, nor would I have any idea how to begin to convert a Sony laptop into an Apple product because they are made by two entirely different companies.

Colonel Dumbfuck: I'm sure you can, don't sell yourself short!

Me: I appreciate your confidence in me, sir, but I assure you, I cannot do what you're asking. I can install OS X, but I would advise against it because it wouldn't perform as desi-

Colonel Dumbfuck: So I'd have to take it to the Apple store? I'm sure they could do it.

Me: Sir, all they are going to tell you any differently is that they can sell you an Apple product right there, whereas I am not a store.

Colonel Dumbfuck: You're just trying to short-change me. I'm not going to pay you for the repair.

Me: Sir, you are not getting your laptop back from me without payment. You contacted me for a keyboard replacement, that is what you signed off on and what I have documents to prove. If you insist on attempting to take your laptop back from me without payment, I will be forced to file a theft of service claim with the local police department.

He finally calmed down, paid & picked up his laptop from me, and then said:

Colonel Dumbfuck: I still think you could have made this an Apple. I don't think I'll be using your service again.

Me: Sir, I am a computer repair person. I am not a fucking genie.

Cue his astonished face and his rapid walk back to his car.

lolotehe

Soooooo.....there's this story going around that watching reality TV makes you, shall we say, less intelligent. The hypothesis seems sound enough, just another example of priming.

So if watching someone do something dumb makes you dumb, can talking to dumb people* make you dumb?

I'm just wondering if you feel less intelligent at the end of the day.

*We'll ignore the proper definition of "dumb" for now.

tanamiya.livejournal.com

Paraphrased to stick to the point.

Cx: "Hi. I'd like to pick up the computer I just bought that you were setting up for me."
Me: "Certainly. Can I see your receipt?"
Cx: "I don't have it on me."
Me: "I don't have any other way of identifying you to your computer. I'm sure you can understand that I can't just give computers out to anyone who asks for them..."
Cx: "This is ridiculous! I spent $800 here. You can't treat me like this!"
Me: "I'm afraid I can't just give you a computer, sir."
Cx: "Well, then, fine. Here's my credit card. I want you to give me a refund."
Me: "Certainly, sir. I can give you a refund...

...I'll just need your receipt."

Current Mood: tired

mouser.livejournal.com

The entire ticket:
Dr XXXXX states his computer is acting like it wants to crash

So, is it acting depressed? Wearing black and acting listless? Playing really sad MP3s? Only displaying in Black and white? Is it running Windows 95?

jecook

Dear everyone who has a mailbox on the exchange mailstore that is 60 gig in size and growing:

While Yes, the IT department is sitting on a giant pile of disk, none of it is currently availible to the mail server because it can't grok NFS shares, nor does it have a connection to the SAN and it's giant disk*.

We have this diabolical thing called 'storage quotas' for a REASON. The mail server only has a paltry 400 GB disk for the entire company's mailboxes, which was quite reasonable when the machine was purchase over three years ago. And rest assured, the replacement servers, once they are online and in production**, you will have both a full gig and a half at your disposal, and little risk of eating the server's entire file system because you feel the pressing need to save every. single. message. thread. EVER. Same with all the forwarded messages with pictures of people being dumbasses, or the cute forwards of pics from icanhascheesburger.

In summary, your mailbox is not a filing cabinet. Please use your home drive (which, I might add, IS sitting on that giant pile of disk!) instead.

Hugs and kisses,

Your distressed (and soon to be drunk) Exchange admin.

* 10 Tbyte and counting- that's a lotta porn, yo.***
** I'm having this teething problem with Exchange 2010, Unified MEssaging, the existing 2007 environment, the 3rd party MWI server, and trying to automate actions on the user side to flip Outlook out of cached mode, delete the 'voice mail' search folder, close and reopen outlook, re-enable cached mode, and put a nasty note on the screen telling the user to dial into OVA and listen to a voicemail to re-create said search folder which will make E2010's built in MWI service work as advertised again. Yeah, I'm calling M$ Monday and opening a case.
*** I've been resisting the urge to make penis jokes throughout the entire post. SRSLY.

Current Mood: drunk
Current Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sn6gKM9zy78

grayhawkfh.livejournal.com

Yeah, it's been a while since I posted anything. But here's some fun I've been dealing with.

The room that our servers are currently in is...large. We had space for our server racks and bench space for our 2nd tier techs and all was fine with the world.

Then some twit decided that the servers for "System G" had to get out of where they were and go somewhere else. I guess they saw our space and said "This would be excellent". And so they told manglement that they needed to move 5 racks and could they move them into our space. Manglement, of course, being of the "clueless wonder" type, said "OK".

The 5 racks grew into 12 racks over the course of 3 weeks.

But wait, this gets better. As far as anyone can tell, the sum total of evaluating the space for cooling and power needs was a quick walk around. No heat load testing, no evaluation of power needs by anyone who even resembled an electrician in a former life.

So we reduce the amount of bench space for 2nd tier by 2/3, and they move their crap in, only to find that there's not enough power for all 12 racks of crap. Even better, when they fired up 5 of them, the cooling could barely keep up. They have 8 (I believe) running now, and it's a battle to keep the room below 90 degrees.

Of course, this is somehow our fault. Never mind that no one bothered to consult us. And, we're making unreasonable demands like the door has to remain locked (NO, you can't tape the door open!)

So now, we're looking to move our equipment out of there so they can deal with this shit. We have another room that will work, but it has to be reconfigured and the cooling has to be verified. But these same assmunching fucknuggets who FUBAR'd their own move are now thinking that "OH! That'll be an EASY move for you guys."

WHAT? You fuckers are living proof of the Douglas Adams quote: "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." Did you learn nothing? Oh wait, all the problems you had were OUR fault.

Fuckers.

UPDATE: Just saw an email from the HMFIC: "Please raise the temperature alarm threshold to 91 degrees, as maintenance feels the current alarm is untenable due to the fact that they cannot maintain stability at 84 degrees."

This not 20 minutes after an email went to this twit stating that 81 degrees was a generally accepted upper limit by IT...
(x-posted to TSC)

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