Contrary to popular belief, I do not have magical powers because I can replace your keyboard.

[hairbrush.livejournal.com]

Background: I do freelance repair while I'm finishing up school. I work out of my home.

Okay, this client dropped off his Sony laptop with me because the keyboard needed to be replaced. Seems simple enough, right? Well, I fix that, call him to let him know he can pick it up, should be end of story, right?

...Of course it isn't that easy.

Colonel Dumbfuck: Oh, great, thanks. If I leave it with you a few more days, can you make it an Apple for me?

Me: *pause* ..Do you mean install the OS X operating system? Well, yes, but your hard drive isn't large enough to support both that and your current Windows installation, with all of your current files and documents, so-

Colonel Dumbfuck: No, like.. make it an Apple. All white and with the Apple logo.

Me: ..No, sir, if you want an Apple-branded product, you would need to purchase an Apple-branded product. I am not authorized to build Apple products, nor would I have any idea how to begin to convert a Sony laptop into an Apple product because they are made by two entirely different companies.

Colonel Dumbfuck: I'm sure you can, don't sell yourself short!

Me: I appreciate your confidence in me, sir, but I assure you, I cannot do what you're asking. I can install OS X, but I would advise against it because it wouldn't perform as desi-

Colonel Dumbfuck: So I'd have to take it to the Apple store? I'm sure they could do it.

Me: Sir, all they are going to tell you any differently is that they can sell you an Apple product right there, whereas I am not a store.

Colonel Dumbfuck: You're just trying to short-change me. I'm not going to pay you for the repair.

Me: Sir, you are not getting your laptop back from me without payment. You contacted me for a keyboard replacement, that is what you signed off on and what I have documents to prove. If you insist on attempting to take your laptop back from me without payment, I will be forced to file a theft of service claim with the local police department.


He finally calmed down, paid & picked up his laptop from me, and then said:

Colonel Dumbfuck: I still think you could have made this an Apple. I don't think I'll be using your service again.

Me: Sir, I am a computer repair person. I am not a fucking genie.

Cue his astonished face and his rapid walk back to his car.

Comments

[erunamiryene.livejournal.com]

I think to respond to this appropriately, I'd need gifs (which I don't have at work). XD

If I leave it with you a few more days, can you make it an Apple for me?

Beyond "... bzuh?", you shoulda slapped a white coat of paint and an apple sticker on his computer. And then said "bazinga" when you gave it to him. XD

[mouser.livejournal.com]

Screw that!

"I can, but it will cost you $2000. Up front."

That would be a nice little profit on a $1200 purchase.

[erunamiryene.livejournal.com]

Agreed. This is an excellent plan.

[historychick49.livejournal.com]

This.

[hairbrush.livejournal.com]

I should have mentioned that when he picked it up, he offered to pay me an extra $200 to "make it an Apple." I suggested that he could buy an Apple product & I'd transfer his files, and he said, "I would, but they're so expensive."

[mouser.livejournal.com]

Ah! Well, I think I have an Apple sticker from a recent purchase. Slap it on and you're done!

[hairbrush.livejournal.com]

If I thought he'd go for it, I still have some left from my 3 prior iPods.

[ravenofdreams.livejournal.com]

I do so love this plan.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Fifthed. There is no "No", there is only "Yes, and it is very very expensive." For values of 'expensive' which can occasionally range into 'enough profit margin for me to comfortably retire on'.

[tattooofhername.livejournal.com]

I think this is probably up there among the dumbest things I've ever heard from a customer.

[hairbrush.livejournal.com]

It was insanely difficult not to just turn into someone from an episode of Maury and respond with, "Bitch, you crazy?"

[tattooofhername.livejournal.com]

If I ever have a customer-facing job again it will be one where I am allowed and encouraged by management to respond like that.

[dave-iii.livejournal.com]

See, somewhere along the line he must have heard *something* that gave him this idea. I find myself curious as to WHAT that event was.

[hairbrush.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping he just misunderstood what a Hackintosh is..

[ghostdandp.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you have to make it a basic analogy for them, they don't get the world of computers and think it's all magical and we can change physics and put the sony into a replicator, have it reclaim the matter, and make it into a apple.

I probably would have used something along the lines of "If I give you a Ford Focus, can you convert it into a Toyota Camry for me?"

[cai1987.livejournal.com]

"No, what do you think I am, a mechanic?"

[ravenofdreams.livejournal.com]

I actually recently used this analogy to explain to someone why they couldn't just move their Windows computer's programs to their brand-new Mac, even if they changed the file extension from .exe to .app. "Putting a Ferrari sticker on your Ford doesn't make it a Ferrari, does it?"

[dave-iii.livejournal.com]

I blame TV and movies. So many absurd expectations, so little payoff.

[cai1987.livejournal.com]

Well, if you can hack into the Pentagon in sixty seconds while receiving a bj, how hard can it possibly be to turn a Sony into an Apple laptop? LOL

[notthebuddha.livejournal.com]

Was this guy an actual, commissioned officer rather than a fried chicken salesman? Because I think his boss needs to know this guy's post has been abandoned from the neck up.

[wbyonder.livejournal.com]

While you're at it can you turn this straw into gold?

[mix-hyenataur.livejournal.com]

file a theft of service claim with the local police department.

tell me more about this

[hairbrush.livejournal.com]

It might just be in the Texas penal code (but since that's where we are, that's all I need to know until I relocate.) Most judges won't actually hear the case if it's less than $1,500 (when it becomes a felony,) but I've had to file one previously when someone had me replace their motherboard (it had a faulty Nvidia chipset) and then they *broke into my car* to get their laptop back, and left me $5 with a handwritten "Thanks!" note. The judge ruled that since I'd already PAID FOR the motherboard AND did the work, they owed me restitution.