2006-02-15

Do you need to know that?

Luser: "I need to have Joe Blow added to a computer."

Me: What computer does he need to be added to?"

Luser: "I don't know. Do you need to know that?"

Me: "Yes, we can't add him to a computer until we know which one." (flowers and sunshine in voice)

Luser: "I'll have to ask him." Click.

Gah!

Current Mood: amused

O.o

We support a number of different products, one being a hardware appliance for the scanning of various incoming/outgoing traffic. The hardware for slightly older models can every so often be acquired on eBay . To obtain support, a valid software contract must be in place unless it's a hardware failure problem; if you don't have a hardware contract, you're SOL at this point if the power supply blows, hard drive goes bad, etc. Generally this isn't a major deal, as 99% of people calling for this product have valid contracts for both and are usually fairly bright and willing to follow advice and directions, which is actually quite nice.

A ...rather irate woman has been calling here for the past few days. She bought her appliance on eBay and tried to purchase a software contract for it, which is perfectly fine. As mentioned earlier, though, if something's wrong with the actual box itself we can't help her.

We have tried to help her on multiple occasions, with things beyond our scope and things we shouldn't help her with due to lack of support. She refuses to cooperate in any way. Literally.

It took three days for her to figure out how to burn a CD with a .iso image. Three. Fucking. Days. The main problem? She didn't have a CD-RW capable drive. And we kept telling her that too. For all we know she was trying to burn the image on the back of a Hall & Oates CD or something. And she's trying to image and configure a gateway appliance?

She eventually became abusive and refused to give us information at all. We have a piece of information we ask for at the beginning of the call; she began refusing this, stating "Name's S****** M*****, you know who I am and you can look it up."

Her foul demeanor escalated over a few days so quickly that her software contract was cancelled and her money refunded. She has been asked on a conference call - with every supervisor over our entire department, a sales rep and a customer service supervisor present - to NOT call for support and that we will NOT do business with her.

Through the luck of the draw, I've not had to speak to her as of yet. She's got one guy's direct number, whose cube happens to be directly across from me. We've been instructed to contact a manager immediately should she call back or attempt to contact us by any means. I came in today just in time to listen to two of the three messages on his voice mail from this woman.

If I had any means of obtaining these messages, I assure you they'd be gold. She has left messages for this guy saying things such as "You'd better call me back, you chickenshit mother fucker" and "I'm going to kick you're fucking ass and you won't have a job." Even emailed him with "Answer your phone you lowlife!" She has no problem saying the same things to management and has physically threatened several employees here. She claims to own "seven corporations" and has "taken down General Motors and HP" and is now "going to take us down" as well.

I wish I could accurately portray this to you all; unfortunately, my description just can't capture it well enough. If there is any way I can get a transcript of these voice mails or even a copy of them, you'd better believe I'm sharing.

Supposedly her husband is the company owner and president. They're in the same state as us. ROAD TRIP.

(x-posted to my own journal, and edited to remove link to company's website)

[another edit: The Senior VP of Tech Support and Customer Service just came and had a hearty laugh at the VMs.]

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: BT hold music in backgroud

Urge to kill.....rising.....

"D'you mean I have to be online to get my email? That's a bit stupid, innit?"

Die, kplzthx.

(no subject)

Ummm, Folks?

I get it. I get that you’re not a computer expert; that’s my job. I get that you’re calling because you’re frustrated by whatever computer problem you’re having.

I get that you hate having to give your entitlement information every single time you call. Name, location, phone number, department. I get that you want to avoid giving that out all over again, and get right to the heart of your call. Now, here’s what you don’t get.

It’s. My. Job.

I’m required to ask you for this information each time you call, for verification and security. I can be reprimanded or even fired for not doing this.

Think of it this way: if you find it annoying to have to give this information on each call, how mind-numbingly irked do you think I am at having to ask it of you and every other colleague of yours who calls me?

I understand that you may not want to take down your trouble ticket number (actually, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want this, but I’ll humor you for now); once again, I am required to give it to you. Ignore it, write it down and throw it away, do whatever you like with it, but don’t give me grief for relaying it to you.

Finally: I get that you’re impatient to get to the heart of the matter, but interrupting me ---- while I’m answering a question which you asked --- is only going to piss me off and slow down and/or degrade your quality of service.

Mmkay? Thanks ever so freaking much.

DSL support from south of the border.

Bear in mind, I'm a misanthrope. I'm a BOFH. A hater of all things ignorant. Many times that's mistaken for a host of other -isms. Trust me, it's not. Those of you who know, know. Those of you who don't, I live to annoy.

That said, I bring you the most politically incorrect thought I've had since the last one:

( Outsourced to Mexico )

the internet is calling me

Me: Thank you for calling ***** helpdesk, how may I help you?
Caller: Yeah, uh... we have a phone in this office, and its the wierest thing, when we pick up the reciever, we hear the internet on it
Me: you hear what exactly?
Caller:The internet.
Me: the internet... can you describe what it sounds like?
Caller: yeah it sounds like this
Me: does this phone share a line with a fax machine maam?
Caller: yeah.... oh...

And another one from today...

Me: Thank you for calling ***** helpdesk, how may I help you?
Caller: Yeah I think I have a block-up popper on my screen, can you help me remove it?

all I have to say is... THANK GOD for remote access!

Current Mood: confused

(no subject)

OK….I will rarely post a tech call these days as I will save this stuff for my comic, but this one is right off the charts.

Coworker (referred to as CW from this point on) gets a call early this morning from a customer that wanted to complain about her VoIP service. She jumps right out and tells the CW that we put poison on her phone. CW doesn’t have a chance to get a word in at all and he even put her on speaker for a few seconds so the manager (and I) could hear. I heard her scream “Someone put MSG on my phone and I have grandkids! What about the welfare of my family!” and immediately LOST it. She went on for a good 5 minutes about how we were going to kill her and her family with MSG. After she got calmed down enough, it was explained to her that the MSG light that she was referring to on her phone was an indication that there was a MESSAGE on her answering machine and not a warning that her phone contained monosodium glutamate. I figured at that point the fun was over, but she went on another 5 minute rant screaming about how, not only were we trying to poison her, but we were lying to her as well. She did eventually hang up, but that was the most fun I’ve had listening to a customer since that drunk guy told me Crappy Cable was “the pyramid scheme of the smurfs”

Xposted to my LJ

(no subject)

Memo to self - do not read

techsupport on the day that one has "the snip"... I nearly busted something with this image:

http://community.livejournal.com/techsupport/958169.html?thread=7889369#t7889369

(x-posted to my own journal)