Turn my radio back on!

[naggy.livejournal.com]

We had a user call up the other day complaining that our system was slow. Easily possible...our server is pending an upgrade, and she's at the slowest network site we support (too many users, not enough pipe).

However, we can't account for the slowness; the server is looking OK, her processes aren't locked up...until my coworker notices that the user has internet radio going.

Kill internet radio, and the data shall flow. All is good, right?

User: "Turn that back on right now!"
Coworker: "I'm sorry, I'm not authorized. Internet Radio is against the Acceptable Use Policy, and it really eats up the bandwidth at your site."
U: "I want it back on."
C: "Talk to your supervisor for authorization."
U: "My supervisor didn't authorize it in the first place!"

More grumbling, user finally hangs up.

Later that day, the network support folks pop into her PC to take a look. She removed the incriminating programs...as well as Virus Scan (who needs that?). Amusingly enough, she did not clear her cache, cookies, or favorites, so it's not like she's removed the offending evidence from her PC, not to mention the network logs.

The kicker is: she called on the last workday of the month...from which all tickets are sent up to the director. The words internet radio were inexplicably bolded in said report.

This morning, she calls back because she's locked out. It took a LOT of willpower to not ask how her internet radio was going. :)

(no subject)

[fragbert.livejournal.com]

So it's the beginning of the month, and our roving sales drones are at it again. Every month, their electronic contract templates are updated, and in order to have the latest versions, they are required to double-click on the "document synchronization" icon we have so thoughtfully put on their desktops.

[rhetoric] Why on earth would you open up your contract folder, see NO files, and then head out to do your business? You *need* those documents to do any work, moron. Adding insult to injury, why would you then decide to call us for help when your closest network connection is a dial-up at Kinko's that's 3 hours away? [/rhetoric]

You're on the side of the road next to a cornfield? Sure, I can just beam those documents to you. Scotty, I need full power! Clem needs his contracts!

Morons, I say.

Ther perfect tech support question

[japester.livejournal.com]

I know, it seems too good to be true. Amongst the swathes of The interweb is broken and What does 'Load Paper' mean?, we do get the occasional gem.

to wit:


To: IT Support <support@weexperimentuponsmallchildren>
From: Joe Un-Luser

I seem to have come across a problem printing (at least some) pdf's using Schubert's pdf browser plug-in within Safari (and within Firefox too) using the NW level 2 printer.

I haven't been methodical in defining the problem in toto. My impression had been that multi-page pdf's loaded into the browser would, if they printed, print only the first page (and shoot out blank pages from the printer thereafter). Single-page pdf's seem to print, but in the instance of one UWA-derived form that will print in portrait mode as a document that looks like it should have been printed in landscape mode, will not print when you swap to landscape mode in page setup (a blank page shoots out).

So I find that to reliably print a pdf I have to save it to disk, open with Acrobat Reader (I'm sure Preview would work too, most times) and print from it.

Another one for the too-hard basket? (Could be printer ...?).


as it was, it's a known issue with how this plugin interacts with OS X and its browsers and well documented on the Schubert web site. Another 2 minutes googling and he would have found it. It stunned us as it showed a user who both researched his problem and then explained it well.

Take back the power!

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

You know that if the EU gets control of a call, your life becomes hell. But just as there are a thousand ways for a caller to earn a penalty reboot, there are a thousand little ways we can keep the call under tight control, even when the caller is completely deranged.

These range from the tiny methods (waiting two seconds before answering a call, waiting two seconds after picking up before answering) to the everyday (keeping up a volley of questions, filling inviting silences with random announcements, having a range of stock phrases to keep the call on the rails) to the superstructural (having your own policy on what's acceptable and what's not, hanging up when there is obviously no more useful information to be exchanged, knowing when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em).

What if the caller's high, apoplectic, the Boss's Boss, a salesweenie, or just wants to blather on and on? What's the best trick, phrase or policy you've ever used to keep call times short, diagnose and resolve problems ASAP, and pare the call down to the absolute minimum?

(no subject)

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

Cust: "I want a supervisor!"
Paco: "I can get you one, please hold."
Cust: "I don't want to hold! What's their number."
Paco: "They don't have a customer dialable number."
Cust: "What good are they!?! Are they another screen-reading retard who can't give me any answers as to why my service isn't working?"
Paco: "If you're looking for answers, I can help you."
Cust: "I don't want your help! I want to talk to somebody in the corporate office who can give me some honest answers!"
Paco: "Sir, if you're looking for honesty, a corporate drone is not who you want to talk to."
Cust: *laughter* "I just want a technical answer to my technical question, and you can't give it. Maybe we should stop giving our money to these monolithic corporations that just..."
Paco: "Yes, maybe we should. However, before we did that perhaps we shouldn't have been reducing our education system to dregs over the past 50 years, catering to the lowest common denominator, and breeding stupidity and complacency. Maybe we shouldn't have allowed so many people who, content in their ignorance, DEMAND these corporations be put in the positions to take care of the people! Maybe we should have taught tenets of personal responsibility, maturity, and independence to our children! But no, we didn't. So now my company gets to deal with either 50,000 people a day who, rather than bother picking up a book, want us to wipe up after them and protect them from the big bad internet and be reassured in baby terms, OR we get to play 'Big Brother' and deal with 50 customers a day like you who don't want to be patronized. I'm sorry, but guess what they're going to choose? Now who do you think is to blame for THAT?"
Cust: "..."
Paco: "Now do you want a supervisor?"
Cust: "Yes, please."
Paco: "Please hold."

Hold on while I get a pen.

[geekgrrl-ca.livejournal.com]

Once I had some one write "click" on their moniter on a support call about 5 or 6 years ago. No big deal, back then most people were unfamiliar with computers and most people didn't use them... cut to today - some one asked me where I wanted them to write the word "click". *Bangs head off something sharp and pointy*

Sweet Baby Jesus, Not Again!

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

( The internet is larger than us! )

And the day wears on.

You are the reason for 90% of my job

[polarbee.livejournal.com]

Me: Company Computer Service.
Cust: Hi, yeah. I have a technical question.
Me: Okay, go ahead.
Cust: Yeah, I got a pop up earlier that told me I needed to upgrade to Window XP Service Pack Two. So I paid $99 and downloaded it, but now my computer isn't working properly. What's wrong?
Me: *patiently explains the nature of pop-ups, scammers, and the actual process of Microsoft patches*
Cust: So, I can still get my money back, right?

Heh. Ah, the ever hopeful public.

Tech support = Magic

[mjkauffman.livejournal.com]

User Jane: "Well we had to get a whole new hard drive mother thing and when we installed the program again it didn't work right."
Me: "Well the program you're running is several years old. We'll need to reinstall version 2.0 - we sent you a disk with version 2.0 on it a few months ago. Can you go find that for me?"
User Jane: *halfheartedly shuffles some things around "I don't see that anywhere, do we have to install it?"
Me: "Unfortunately, ma'am yes. The old version you're using only works with our servers about 50% of the time and we're not supposed to support it at all anymore. If we just install 2.0 then it will almost certainly solve all your problems."
User Jane: *more shuffling* "Can't you just install it on my computer from where you are?"
Me: ...
Me: *sweetly* "No ma'am, it's impossible for me to install a program on your computer from here."
User Jane: "Well.... I'll just see if it works again tomorrow, ok?"
Me: "Ma'am--"
User Jane: *hangs up*

(Yes, ok, technically if I somehow had remote access to her computer, but she'd still need the disk.)

And then of course, once every few weeks we get, "So can you see me through the computer screen?"

One of these days I should just say, "We sure can! Your hair looks lovely today, by the way."