(no subject)

[erunamiryene.livejournal.com]

Dear User,

I see you emailed me. The reason your VPN connection isn't working is because you need to have a working network connection first, in this case your home internet.

... No, the VPN is not a "built-in, portable internet connection."

No, really, it's not.

Ma'am, I promise you, the VPN is not a standalone internet connection.

Yes, I will get frustrated when you tell me that you don't connect to the internet at home via direct cable or wireless router, and then after a few emails where I try to figure out how in the hell you're connecting to the internet, you tell me "oh, that cable thing you plug into the back of the computer".

In that case, I understand that your son wants to use your home computer while you work on work stuff ... however, if you want to be able to work on work stuff, you're going to have to connect your work computer to your home internet connection.

No, I cannot set up your VPN to "wirelessly pull the internet connection from work". It just does not work like that.

No, this is one instance which is NOT the government agency's fault for being "useless". If you're going to think that, you may as well be mad at your car for not making your coffee. I quite simply cannot make the VPN do something that it is not designed to do.

I'm going to smack you when I get to your office, I promise.

~Your long-suffering tech, who thinks you need to put down the Blackberry when you're still emailing me at 11 PM.

ETA: No, the government will not buy you a wireless router. I cannot believe you even just asked me that.

Maybe its just a minor bitch out of many

[sdx.livejournal.com]

But I've got 2 for today.

"Ma'am, I need you to unplug the small black power cord out of the back of the modem for 20 seconds".

a) They can't figure out which cord it is. I can't help but get a little snarky, there's 3 cords.
"Ma'am, its not the thick ethernet cable, and its not the phone line, so ....". I still get people who have a problem after that. Their internet license should be revoked.

b) While doing multiple things at once (for the cx, helping other techs out), I'll say "Ma'am, I need you to unplug the small black power cord out of the back of the modem for 20 seconds"

And they'll say "let me know when 20 seconds is up".

If you're so goddamned lazy or retarded that you can't count to 20 seconds on your own, you really have no business operating a computer.

(no subject)

[endotoxin.livejournal.com]

Customer: Macs NEVER need to be rebooted!
Me: Humor me.
Customer: Oh look, now email resolves!
Me: Right, sometimes, even Macs need to be rebooted.
Customer: Oh, I never said that Macs never need to be rebooted.
Me: ...
Customer: You know, I work at [NATIONAL ENERGY RESEARCH LAB]. I know all about computers!
Me: That's nice, ma'am.

At work, we like to assume that these customers are smoking blue crack. Howdy, techs!

I appear to be having the same sort of day as many others.

[xforge.livejournal.com]

Caller: "I can't log in as < username >."
Me: "Okay, I've reset the password to Password1, with a capital P, and it will ask you for a new password."
C (quicker than it should take): "It still won't let me."
Me: "You're typing Password1, with a capital P and the 'one' is a numeral?"
C: "Er. Okay now it wants me to put in a new password."
Me: "Right."
C: "It says the old password is wrong!"
Me: "Did you change what it put in there automatically? The old password is 'Password1.'"
C: "Oh. Okay." (pause) "Okay now it says I can't use any of my past seven passwords."
Me: "That's right, you have to actually change the password. Just change one character and it will be fine."
C: (pause) "Still not working. It says it doesn't meet the requirements."
Me: (stabby) "It has to have capitals, lowercase and numerals."
C: (hemming, hawing, confusion, language barrier, harrumphing)
Me: "Okay, what do you want me to set as your password?"
C: (gives a word with no numerals)
Me: "It needs a numeral."
C: (gives numerals)
Me: "Done. Go in now."
C: "Okay it's logging in." (pause) "Okay now where's the General Ledger application?"
Me: (no idea what she's talking about) "There's not an icon on the desktop? Or the program name doesn't appear in the Program list under the Start button?"
C: "No, the desktop is blank, it only says My Documents and My Computer. < Username > is out sick all week and..."
Me: "You're using someone else's login??!"
C: "We have to, in order to use the GL program."
Me: (No, no you don't. At all. Ever.) "Okay, open the web browser and give me the IP address it shows."
C: "I don't have a web browser. I don't have nothing (sic). It just kicked me out of Windows."
Me: "It kicked you out of Windows?"
C: "Oh yeah, that happens like, 20 times a day or more."
Me: "And you never thought to call us about this?"
C: "Well.... No."
Me: "Okay, you're going to have to find one of your associates to help us with this all right? I'll wait on the line."
C: "Okay." (puts phone down)

Five minutes of background jabbering in Dutch later, I hung up. They didn't call us back as far as I know. I want to fly to Aruba just so I can go on a neck-stabbing spree. Please?