(no subject)

[toxico.livejournal.com]

Dear Dell,

While I understand that Bring Your Son/Daughter/Alien Chestburster/Pet Marmoset/Newly-Formed Peptide Chain to Work Day is good for the morale of some, plesae refrain from letting your employees' tagalongs practice creating Warhol forgeries with a Bic (edit: A FUCKING PEN) on the packaging.

It is our firm belief that, while this activity promotes creativity and motor skill development, it does not exactly instill in your customers a high standard of quality control.


Thanks a heap,
toxico

Help Desk Haiku

[zhent.livejournal.com]

We had a massive outage this morning. As a result we were tossing haiku responses around the desk....

The server is down
Estimate, we do not have
Go do something else

(no subject)

[trayce.livejournal.com]

My helpdesk's teamleader, earlier, when someone else was discussing the latest 4chan "hilarity":

"Whats a troll?"


Kids these days *shakes head sadly*.

A couple of gems from today....

[jcaswell.livejournal.com]

The junior member of our department is only allowed to do the basics - answering the phone, resetting passwords etc. He's a nice enough kid, but common sense isn't one of his attributes.

- this morning, year 7 kid (aged 11-12) came in to reset her password. He let her set it to 12345. I made him reset it to something random so she has to come back and do it properly.

- shortly afterwards, another year 7 kid comes up to print some work. It's a photo. D opens the file in MS Photo Editor and hits print. Then he turns round and says to me "Jo, it opened the photo printing wizard".Er, yeah. It'll do that.

I wouldn't mind, but we've had both conversations soooooooooo many times. He's been doing the job 3 years now. You'd think he'd have something of a clue by now!

English, motherfscker, can you type it!?

[laptop-mechanic.livejournal.com]

To my coworkers:

I know you can all speak English. I know you can all read it as well. What you apparently cannot do is write it. I cannot edit case notes YOU put in, so please sanity check your work. If you do not, I will be compelled to shoot you smartly between the eyes with something very large caliber.

--laptop_mechanic 

To our partner from Belgium..

[darkrose.livejournal.com]

Look dude, I know it's hard to fathom that NOBODY in an American company would speak Dutch. Not a damn one of us fat, lazy Americans would bring ourselves to stoop to such a low level as to learn a language that abuses the use of vowels with such reckless abandon. Hell, most of us can't even speak English and you want us to speak Dutch to you?

You wanted a Dutch version of the software. So our developers wrote language strings and let you translate them into your native tongue for inclusion in the software. Fine. Good. Dandy..but then you proceed to barrage ME (not us as a company, ME) with questions to the point that I ended up having to expense a copy of Vista/Dutch so I could emulate YOUR environment, muddle my way through your language's abusive use of vowels (really, dooees yoouur laanguuaagee neeeed too doouublee aall vooweels iin aa woord soo muuch?) at the expense of a massive migraine so I could reproduce the issue that is caused by you being a complete dumbass. Yes, that's right, I found nothing similar to your problems and suggested this is possibly a problem with [Microsoft application].

And that was the wrong thing to say to you, wasn't it Dutchie..because now you're getting all irate on me (yet all I can do is read your e-mail in a Goldmember accent and add off comments about your tragic smelting accident), as I try to explain to you that our "fabricated environment" as you put it is the best we can do, and as a partner, perhaps YOU should be doing the troubleshooting on the version we built just for you! No, see, that would kill your buzz, wouldn't it. You aren't a partner with us, you are an end user mooching off high level support so you don't have to talk to the minions or wait in the support queue. Instead, you get escalated to me in between dealing with a crushing load of RSS feed spam brought on by our dumbass developers who decided that 1 second intervals for checking our news feed that is updated maybe 2x a month is a great idea! (I don't blame them for being stupid, they're also not Americans, but they are from a country opposite of you, Dutchie. In fact, I'm pretty sure they sold all their vowels out of their words to you during the War or something, because most of their words lack so many vowels (being Eastern European and all).

Anyway, I just thought I'd let you know that your partnership is currently being reviewed by our business development committee (oops! I'm on that, too!) and it looks like we're going to be taking our Dutch business a different direction--that being one without your crap company. So you can take yourself and your web page that looks like it was designed by the Geocities web page designer--in 1995--by a 12 year old girl and STFU & GTFO.

Oh, and if "It isn't my daily job to spam your ticketbox because i havent anything else to do.", then WHY THE HELL DO YOU DO IT RATHER THAN TROUBLESHOOTING THE SOFTWARE YOURSELF?

Regards,
~Darkrose
Slayer of Dutch Weirdos
(Isn't that vierd?)

/yes, this is snark. I love Dutch speakers. Just not this idiot.