Interweb ESP

[combat-taco.livejournal.com]

"This computer doesn't like the new one."

Haha, very funny. I hear this crap all the time and IT'S NOT CUTE. I mocked a giggle.

"No really, it doesn't like that one."
"Well if I was an old computer I wouldn't like the new one either."
A look of angry frustration crossed his fat, pockmarked face and his balding temple went red almost instantaneously, like his pimple-crusted dome was getting an erection.
"NO. YOU AREN'T LISTENING TO ME. THIS COMPUTER DOESN'T LIKE THAT ONE."

I welcomed myself to la-la land and forced myself to listen, if only for a good laugh later.
"Really."
"Yes, I have internet ESP."
"Internet ESP."
He seemed to calm down and positioned his arms in an explanatory manner, and I knew he was going to go into a practiced speech he had given to who knows how many unfortunate saps bored and or morbidly curious enough to listen. This was going to be fucking awesome and I was STOKED.
"Ever since I was a young man, I have developed the unique ability to bend the space around all machines. See, all machines have a personality, and they exude this personality in an aura around them-"
"Like a chakra?"
"NO THATS HIPPY BULLSHIT" (I shut up at this point)
"As I was SAYING, I can bend their personalities based on my mood and I've noticed that when I'm pissed the fuck off, this computer acts like a FUCKING CUNT and doesn't work, but when I'm in a great mood or stoned or something it works fine I can also make machines work better by focusing my energy on them I'd show you but only the attuned can really notice"

Oh.

"I was in a dentists office one day and I saw this book and it's called IN THE MARGINS it's written by this PRINCETON professor here's a copy you'll never read it because you don't give a shit but this is it, I was reading this in the dentists office and all of a sudden the text started to blur"

He was looking at me with the widest, most insane "I'm going to kill you and eat your face" look I've ever seen.

"and then I realized that WE ALL LIVE IN THE MARGINS"

whoa there Neo.

My mind was certainly blown. I had the urge to take his book out of his hands, throw it on the ground and urinate on it and tell him "Now you realize you live in a pool of urine like this flea infested shithole of an apartment you whackjob" but I decided to LIVE WITHIN THE MARGINS and just tell him it'll be 225$ dollars today we take cash check or credit.

As I was packing up he was looking over some paperwork on his desk. I have NO CLUE what prompted this but I guess he was comfortable enough with me to say "You know whats worse than Osama? Those fucking mexicans."

Request for everyone

[canray.livejournal.com]

OK folks, I've commented a few times that I'm a Paranoia XP RPG GM.

And I'm currently working on an adventure for it, one that will send the characters into the very depths of HELL!

Their mission, and they volunteer for this mandatory mission, is to pose as Call/Field Techs for a Computer Tech Support Firm (Meaning that while they're fixing systems in the field, they also have to do phone support at the same time!) for a very specific reason (Currently under design, but I might just go with the typical Paranoia theme of "To lure the Communists out.").

So folks, I would like to request your favorite issues! The rare, the weird, the common, what is it that causes you to wince in agony, slam your head into the wall, make you want to pull out a laser pistol and just shoot the person you're dealing with, smash valuable property rather than fix it again and again and again!

Special thanks and cameos will go out to those that help!

For those of you who don't know what RPGs are, and Paranoia XP specifically, well, I can only say this:

Friend Computer Approves of Google.

Strangest. Call. Ever.

[wibbble]

Like most calls I get, this one guy was a prick and didn't believe what I was telling him. He went so far as to actually call me a liar, which is further than most people go. That call didn't end well, but I got on with the job and talked to more idiots.

Later in the day, he gets transferred back to tech, with a new SR number and a note that reads 'calling regarding previous issue'. I don't recognise him at this point. Not terribly useful, so while I'm getting the previous notes, the guy says 'I was speaking to someone earlier - Gary, I think it was?'

By now I've got his notes and see that it was me. I say 'it was me, actually, and my name is John'.

I'm fully expecting more shit, but then... he apologises. At length. For, like, five minutes.

He went off and did more testing and found out that I wasn't lying after all.

Right at the end he did ask an extra question, but it was just a short simple answer and he didn't hang around for hand-holding on it.

Best call ever.