Request for everyone

[canray.livejournal.com]

OK folks, I've commented a few times that I'm a Paranoia XP RPG GM.

And I'm currently working on an adventure for it, one that will send the characters into the very depths of HELL!

Their mission, and they volunteer for this mandatory mission, is to pose as Call/Field Techs for a Computer Tech Support Firm (Meaning that while they're fixing systems in the field, they also have to do phone support at the same time!) for a very specific reason (Currently under design, but I might just go with the typical Paranoia theme of "To lure the Communists out.").

So folks, I would like to request your favorite issues! The rare, the weird, the common, what is it that causes you to wince in agony, slam your head into the wall, make you want to pull out a laser pistol and just shoot the person you're dealing with, smash valuable property rather than fix it again and again and again!

Special thanks and cameos will go out to those that help!

For those of you who don't know what RPGs are, and Paranoia XP specifically, well, I can only say this:

Friend Computer Approves of Google.

Comments

[redhillian.livejournal.com]

Red tech support. Yellow help files.

[canray.livejournal.com]

That's a good start, and a given. :-D

Uh, no.

[alexmizell.livejournal.com]

Friend Computer would probably not approve of free exchange of information in general, comrade. In fact, I seriously doubt if you have clearance for any search engine more useful than Ask Jeeves, troubleshooter. Please report to the nearest suicide booth for summary reeducation. You will also be taught to fix broken hyperlinks.

Re: Uh, no.

[canray.livejournal.com]

*Beats Infrared HTTP Monkey Until Morale And Quality Inproves *

Re: Uh, no.

[ihateemo.livejournal.com]

Why do you feel a need to log onto the Internet at all, Citizen? Does the Computer not provide you with sufficient love, validation and education?

I used to love Paranoia when I was in high school. Good times.

[shadedspriter.livejournal.com]

I have only ever played one game of Paranoia...

I was killed by out of control scrubber droids (the ones on the "cleaning oficers card")...TWICE.

This was in the adventure set out in the book...but changed slightly because we had a really good GM.

Also worst way to die..."Automatic tooth picks."

------------

Now onto the topic at hand...

currently I am thinking how many out of control items may need a power cycle - which a customer experiencing the (maybe explosive) problem doesn't think of.

[canray.livejournal.com]

"Um... I... Can fix Friend Computer."

"WHAT?"

"Well... It turns out that all Friend Computer needed to be was shut off and a full drive scan for missing clusters."

"GREAT! Wait... How long would the drive scan take?"

"Ummmmmmmmmm... Eight years."

"Oh boy. And Friend Computer runs..."

"Everything, especially life support."

[tysolna]

Oh fantastic. Would you mind terribly much if I nicked your idea for a Doctor Who RPG I'm running?

[canray.livejournal.com]

Only if you help out with the adventure. ;-P

And you'll have to come up with problems a sonic screwdriver can't fix, as well. :-P

[mouser.livejournal.com]

Backup files encrypted with a randomly generated password.

The Rainbow (http://csrc.nist.gov/secpubs/rainbow/) series of government computer security standards.

Audit trails (and other event logging) done by hand.

[canray.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking more that primary files would be encrypted with a random password, and the back-up files in a non-decryptical encryption.

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

Just having users that don't read drives me nuts.

[canray.livejournal.com]

SHEER BRILLIANCE! I can use that in so many different ways!

*Steals*

"For your service to Alpha Complex, you are hereby promoted to Red clearance!"

"Ummmm... I am Red clearance."

"Keep up that bad attitude and I'll bust you all the way back down to Red, Mister!"

[knottie.livejournal.com]

Not sure if this is what you're looking for, but my favorite issue recently had us laughing because of the user description..."My typewriter is typing Chinese!".

It was a laptop, she was typing numbers, and the shift key was stuck...we probably would have cottoned on faster if she'd said it was swearing at her. For a few minutes I entertained the notion she actually knew what a chinese character looked like and that slowed me down. !@#$% lol

[canray.livejournal.com]

That one will work nicely as well.

Beware the wrath of the Printer Queue Manager!

[tryst-inn.livejournal.com]

Oh dear Gods...can I mention the asshat who wanted us to add a large volume paper shredder to the printer server? 0___o

Seems some protocol requires his department to print out monthly reports so there was an autoprint command on a chron setup for an outdated program (whose vendor shut down years ago - natch), then an addendum security protocol required almost immediate shredding. It never occured to him we could have someone quietly crack the program to wipe the autoprint without disrupting the regular processes of the outdated software.

We still talk about that guy over drinks. Lots of drinks.

Re: Beware the wrath of the Printer Queue Manager!

[canray.livejournal.com]

A varient of this will be used.

[jecook]

Password resets on whatever system you can think of.

Except in that 'verse, the 'password' is probably tied to your DNA or some such...

Repairing a system that has been home to a family of some small rodent (or rodent-like) creatures. (That call *still* squicks me a bit, and that was 8 years and three/four job changes ago...)

[canray.livejournal.com]

Tongue Tattoos for the older tech stuff.

Newer tech stuff use "Mechendile Express" Cards. Credit cards that have all your info on them.

All your info, except how to confirm that "You" are "You" when someone else steals it and uses it.

Identity Theft is a major problem in Alpha Complex.

Or would be, if there were problems in Alpha Complex. *Looks nervously*

[ateji.livejournal.com]

Users who cannot figure out how to properly spell passwords they themselves set? One of those little peeves...

Or... ever had access to the unencrypted password database of a program? Nearly everyone had some variant of "fuck" or another as their password. Without knowing anyone else's.

[alstaria.livejournal.com]

The V.I.P. with an unreproducible error.

Tech: "I'm sorry, sir, there have been no other reports of that error and from our troubleshooting, everything seems to be fine on your machine."

VIP: "I told you it's not working like it always does! You people broke my computer..now fix it or I'll have you fired!"

[canray.livejournal.com]

This is a good one, thank you!

[evilbill1782.livejournal.com]

Anything involving Windows 98 First Edition.

And people who use the word 'password' as their password. ;)

[canray.livejournal.com]

Windows ME and USB Dongles.

[kalium.livejournal.com]

'The internet is down', meaning that some random site isn't working.

Oh, I mean some site that doesn't actually exist isn't working.

[canray.livejournal.com]

One of my favourite days was when MSN was down. Easy, easy quick calls!

Too bad I was night shift at the time, and they fixed it an hour after I got in. :-(

[zzyzx.livejournal.com]

In my career, I have troubleshot two TVs that had no picture... because they were microwaves.

[canray.livejournal.com]

Using that one!

[siliconshaman.livejournal.com]

*Evil grin*

Color-coded wiring.... or worse, wiring that's all infra-red level clearance [ie, black]

Or there's the traditional one, normal access to the call centre is blocked by a scrub-bot malfunction. So the only way there is take the lift up a level, go though a higher-clearance corridor, and use the stairs down again.

They just have to request a temp pass which they must collect before they enter that section, and which will be printed out at the printer on that level...
which is just down the hallway from the lift...

[megpie71.livejournal.com]

Might I add the classics: "I can't get my email", meaning "I've forgotten my password"; and "I can't get my email", meaning "the building is on fire and I'm about to expire from the toxic fumes my Peecee is putting out". Of course, the latter information would require higher clearance to prise loose than the former, and any mistakes would result in immediate demotion...

[canray.livejournal.com]

"Is Fire Red Clearance, or Orange Clearance? It has both colours!"

[tysolna]

I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hijack your thread. *blushes*

[canray.livejournal.com]

Bah! It's on topic, it's RPGing!

And it's Doctor Who, worse case, I drop him into Alpha Complex, he hacks The Computer with his Sonic Screwdriver, and fixes the Complex for a bit while getting parts needed for the TARDIS!

Heck, R&D might even have parts for the "chameleon circuit"!

[margaretc.livejournal.com]

You read Sharktank (http://www.computerworld.com/action/sharktank) from ComputerWorld? Good stuff.

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Let's see, my longest-ever and most frustrating call was a seven-and-one-half-hour marathon call when I was working for Dell, pre-firing-for-not-being-Indian.

Lady's computer is bluescreening all over the place, she can't even get into Windows safe mode, nothing is working at all. Error messages point to problems with installation of AOL software. Lady says she has no data worth protecting. Fine. Fdisk-format-reinstall, doo-dah-doo-dah. Complicated by all the normal things, where's my CD, what are you talking about there's no power button on the modem (tower), blah blah blah. Also complicated by the fact that the lady was repeating (badly) everything I was saying to her friend, who was the one actually working the computer. We reinstall Windows, and I have to take a break so I tell them UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO REINSTALL AOL FROM THAT CD. DO NOT DO ANY AOL STUFF TILL I CALL YOU BACK.

I call back. Bluescreens all over the place. AOL errors. Yep. "Did you reinstall AOL?" "Well, OF COURSE! AOL is PART OF MY COMPUTER!" Great. Nothing for it. We repeat the ENTIRE procedure. Only this time, the lady's friend has to leave because it's already been like five hours and she has places to be.

No problem, right? I can walk this lady through reinstalling, right?

Well...

Lady #1 was having her friend help her because Lady #1 has really bad vision problems. She cannot see any type that's less than about 24-point size. She had her Windows set up to accommodate her, but damn if she can get through that setup! But we finally did. We got into Windows. We made the type bigger for her... and then...

SHE REINSTALLED AOL AGAIN RIGHT THEN FROM THAT DISK.

My shift was ending at the 7.5 hour mark, but I passed the call off to an L2 who was wondering why my stats were so awful, and I waited to see if he could get anywhere with her. He couldn't. She just started shouting and hung up.

Whatever, lady.

Seven and a half hours.

[canray.livejournal.com]

Not so easily included in the game, but a damn fine story.

"Ma'am, you have too high a disability to use a computer."

"I AM NOT BLIND OR DISABLED!"

"No, Ma'am, I'm refering to your lack of mental competency. Please box the computer up and return it."

[torkell]

Remember to interpret all commands as literally as possible, and to never tell them what clearance is needed:

"Right, so you need a new PDC. Computer?"

"Yes citizen?"

"I'd like to request a replacement PDC for John-ALP-1"

"State reason for replacement PDC request"

"The PDC has a corrupt memory section"

"Request denied. The PDC is functioning perfectly, comrade citizen"

*thinks* "Computer, what reasons may a PDC be replaced?"

"Request denied. Insufficient clearance"

"What clearance is needed?"

"Request denied. Insufficient clearance"

"What clearance is needed to find out what clearance is needed?"

"Level Infra-red clearance is required to find out what clearance is needed for level Red clearance"

"WTF?"

"Warning: textspeak detected. Beginning termination procedure"

*a rather ominous-looking spike descends from the eciling above the hapless troubleshooter*

"Oh sh--"

BZZZERT. Lose a clone.

[bard-mercutio.livejournal.com]

Hmm. The most frustrating issue is the ever popular, "It don't work!" as in:

Me: So, what's happening or not happening?
User: It doesn't work!
M: And, pray tell, what do you mean by that?
U: It don't work!
M: Can you tell me what "it" is?
U: The thing! That I bought from you guys!
M: We have many different products. Which one is this?
U: Uh. It doesn't say!
M: Could you guess?
U: Can't you just list the ones you have and I can choose?
M: Um, no, I couldn't.
U: Well, fix it already!
M: So what do you mean by 'not working'? Is it [list common issues]?
U: (extremely frustrated) It's NOT WORKING, that's what it's doing!

Repeat for 10-20 minutes. It is rarely the technical issue that is frustrating; it's nearly always the user who is.

Other common issues, the user who calls from his car, nowhere near his computer and says he's having a problem and needs us to fix it. Especially those who're getting an error message, but have neglected to take note of what the error message actually said. Or repeat all of the above with the user's hapless secretary, who does not know how any of the hardware/software works, does not know exactly what the problem is, but has been assigned to fix it anyway.

[canray.livejournal.com]

Yoink!

[photosinensis.livejournal.com]

You've got to include the ones that don't follow instructions and the ones that no speaky the English, so they try to use Babelfish to make up for this problem, instead of finding a company in their own country that speaks their native tongue--or better yet, they've lived in America their entire life and use the text messaging cypher in all of their online communications.

I love all of those, particularly the ones that think they're truly 1337. We also should mention Mr. "Tell Me My Password Over An Insecure Line Without Verifying My Identity".

And the prank caller! Yes! "Tech support, how may I help you?" "Is your refrigerator running?"

[canray.livejournal.com]

Kinda hard to do language issues in Alpha Complex, but the other two will work great!

The Mr. "Tell Me My Password Over An Insecure Line Without Verifying My Identity" will especially work with a high clearance person, too!