Interweb ESP
May. 21st, 2007 03:27 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
combat-taco.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
techrecovery"This computer doesn't like the new one."
Haha, very funny. I hear this crap all the time and IT'S NOT CUTE. I mocked a giggle.
"No really, it doesn't like that one."
"Well if I was an old computer I wouldn't like the new one either."
A look of angry frustration crossed his fat, pockmarked face and his balding temple went red almost instantaneously, like his pimple-crusted dome was getting an erection.
"NO. YOU AREN'T LISTENING TO ME. THIS COMPUTER DOESN'T LIKE THAT ONE."
I welcomed myself to la-la land and forced myself to listen, if only for a good laugh later.
"Really."
"Yes, I have internet ESP."
"Internet ESP."
He seemed to calm down and positioned his arms in an explanatory manner, and I knew he was going to go into a practiced speech he had given to who knows how many unfortunate saps bored and or morbidly curious enough to listen. This was going to be fucking awesome and I was STOKED.
"Ever since I was a young man, I have developed the unique ability to bend the space around all machines. See, all machines have a personality, and they exude this personality in an aura around them-"
"Like a chakra?"
"NO THATS HIPPY BULLSHIT" (I shut up at this point)
"As I was SAYING, I can bend their personalities based on my mood and I've noticed that when I'm pissed the fuck off, this computer acts like a FUCKING CUNT and doesn't work, but when I'm in a great mood or stoned or something it works fine I can also make machines work better by focusing my energy on them I'd show you but only the attuned can really notice"
Oh.
"I was in a dentists office one day and I saw this book and it's called IN THE MARGINS it's written by this PRINCETON professor here's a copy you'll never read it because you don't give a shit but this is it, I was reading this in the dentists office and all of a sudden the text started to blur"
He was looking at me with the widest, most insane "I'm going to kill you and eat your face" look I've ever seen.
"and then I realized that WE ALL LIVE IN THE MARGINS"
whoa there Neo.
My mind was certainly blown. I had the urge to take his book out of his hands, throw it on the ground and urinate on it and tell him "Now you realize you live in a pool of urine like this flea infested shithole of an apartment you whackjob" but I decided to LIVE WITHIN THE MARGINS and just tell him it'll be 225$ dollars today we take cash check or credit.
As I was packing up he was looking over some paperwork on his desk. I have NO CLUE what prompted this but I guess he was comfortable enough with me to say "You know whats worse than Osama? Those fucking mexicans."
Haha, very funny. I hear this crap all the time and IT'S NOT CUTE. I mocked a giggle.
"No really, it doesn't like that one."
"Well if I was an old computer I wouldn't like the new one either."
A look of angry frustration crossed his fat, pockmarked face and his balding temple went red almost instantaneously, like his pimple-crusted dome was getting an erection.
"NO. YOU AREN'T LISTENING TO ME. THIS COMPUTER DOESN'T LIKE THAT ONE."
I welcomed myself to la-la land and forced myself to listen, if only for a good laugh later.
"Really."
"Yes, I have internet ESP."
"Internet ESP."
He seemed to calm down and positioned his arms in an explanatory manner, and I knew he was going to go into a practiced speech he had given to who knows how many unfortunate saps bored and or morbidly curious enough to listen. This was going to be fucking awesome and I was STOKED.
"Ever since I was a young man, I have developed the unique ability to bend the space around all machines. See, all machines have a personality, and they exude this personality in an aura around them-"
"Like a chakra?"
"NO THATS HIPPY BULLSHIT" (I shut up at this point)
"As I was SAYING, I can bend their personalities based on my mood and I've noticed that when I'm pissed the fuck off, this computer acts like a FUCKING CUNT and doesn't work, but when I'm in a great mood or stoned or something it works fine I can also make machines work better by focusing my energy on them I'd show you but only the attuned can really notice"
Oh.
"I was in a dentists office one day and I saw this book and it's called IN THE MARGINS it's written by this PRINCETON professor here's a copy you'll never read it because you don't give a shit but this is it, I was reading this in the dentists office and all of a sudden the text started to blur"
He was looking at me with the widest, most insane "I'm going to kill you and eat your face" look I've ever seen.
"and then I realized that WE ALL LIVE IN THE MARGINS"
whoa there Neo.
My mind was certainly blown. I had the urge to take his book out of his hands, throw it on the ground and urinate on it and tell him "Now you realize you live in a pool of urine like this flea infested shithole of an apartment you whackjob" but I decided to LIVE WITHIN THE MARGINS and just tell him it'll be 225$ dollars today we take cash check or credit.
As I was packing up he was looking over some paperwork on his desk. I have NO CLUE what prompted this but I guess he was comfortable enough with me to say "You know whats worse than Osama? Those fucking mexicans."
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no subject
Date: 2007-05-21 10:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-21 10:44 pm (UTC)You know how HHGTTG talks of the ruler of the universe living in a shack on a backwater planet and not even knowing what power he has?
You also know how the net is bizarre, screwy, oddball, constantly misbehaving and generally weird?
Maybe you just met God...
no subject
Date: 2007-05-21 11:10 pm (UTC)bahahaha!
Date: 2007-05-21 10:52 pm (UTC)You can usually see through my bullshit though and if you can't well then you get everything that you deserve in those situations.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-21 11:57 pm (UTC)See, what I do is I open up SSH and log into the server as root. Then I kill off processes like a madman.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-22 12:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-22 01:56 am (UTC)I've been waiting for ESPoTCP forever.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-22 02:22 am (UTC)*runs to back and picks up phone* Hello, Police Department?
This is the last time I use this, I swear...
Date: 2007-05-22 01:36 pm (UTC)