Horse Porn

[combat-taco.livejournal.com]

I had a horrific vision of my future the other day. A future of... parenting. A future wrought with futile efforts of sympathy and understanding. A future of porn.

This woman was always a handful. About a year ago I setup a VNC server (lets her look at the screen of her son's computer from her laptop without him knowing). It's sneaky as shit, but since then she's managed to find out all his friends smoke weed and do meth. I wouldn't really care about the weed, but the kid is thirteen and it sounds like he has access to much worse narcotics, so I had no moral quandary about the arrangement. I also put a content blocker to block porn you can download from the internet, and drug/alcohol pages.

Anyway, I pulled up to her house she ran out and met me, regailing me with teenage horror stories. Apparently every person this kid knows is a) on myspace, b) a drug addict, and c) a total skank. She thinks they are all inter-related, I tend to agree. She asked me to just take a look and make sure that everything was looking ok on his computer. The catch was that she wanted him in the room with us while I was rooting around on his computer looking for porn.

Awkward much?

Why she insisted I be in there, I'm not sure. I guess she wanted me for moral support and to give justification to her actions if it came to that. After all I was the one who set this whole thing up, and even though I was getting paid I sort of felt obligated to help out.

I checked the log of websites he had visited. WWW.BANGBUS.COM struck my eye. I shuddered. She turned and glared at him.

"What's this Matthew? Bang Bus Dot Com huh? You went to this website?"
"Mom, fuck, why do we have to do this?"
"Tell my son why this stuff corrupts his mind and degrades women."

Then I thought of all the horrible, disgusting, mindfucking, degrading, scummy porn I had ever watched in my life, and karma laughed at me long and hard. I ended up giving a half-assed answer and made up some statistic about porn and kids who kill people or something. It was good enough I guess.

I deleted limewire at her command, which cant really be effectively blocked by a content filter on a mac. Then I saw it- the limewire shared folder. Oh, what horrors would lie within? I stealthfully trashed it, but I was caught. I played dumb and opened it up for her to see. Matthew, I saw, was cringing.

teens_rape_horse.avi
teen_lez_rape.avi
Teenrapebj.avi
horsecum.mpeg

I felt ill. Not because of the porn, but because of what I knew was going to happen next. After what seemed like ten minutes but was probably ten seconds, she said, plain as day,
"Son, why do you have horse rape porn on your computer?"

How the fuck are you supposed to respond to that?

"Open it up, I want to see it."

Oh please kill me. Can you imagine watching horse porn in front of a complete stranger who is paying you to be there?

I GOT PAID TO WATCH HORSE RAPE PORN.

And I'll never look at parenting the same again.

EDIT: Thanks for the moral support, but I'm OK (relatively speaking). I've been through infinitely worse (or awesome?) at this job (in house tech).

EDIT2: I'm pretty blown away by some of the flaming. No it wasn't really rape (it was obviously an actress), yes I think that anything like that involving a horse is cruel, and no I dont think the VNC server was immoral. The mother was pretty nuts- that much is obvious and I'm not going to disagree there. But I think it's telling that nobody who actually posts in this community flamed me, only random anonymous trolls. I think the answer why is pretty obvious- you've never worked in this industry. This stuff is par the course, and since there was nothing illegal about what she asked me to do, I did it. Sure it was awkward and uncomfortable, but I have a thick skin and, honestly, even if you think this makes me a horrible person, I could give a shit about the kid. I'm just the computer guy, nothing I did is going to make his life any shittier than it already is. If I didn't open up the thing his mother would have after I left. Do you really think he cared more about me being there than his own mother? I bet she showed his dad too after I left, and to clarify he didn't cry or anything, he hid whatever emotions he was having pretty well. Although I didn't make anything up in this story, I left a lot out, like the fifteen minutes I argued with her about why I thought this whole thing was a horrible idea. She was just not going to leave until she had her way, and as I said before, if you don't work in this industry then you just aren't going to understand.

"Put a link on the Internet" to .. what?

[lihan161051.livejournal.com]

OK, this isn't nearly as good a story as teenage horse porn, but ..

"I want to make a link for people to type in my email and be directed to my web page."

OK .. where? On what page? Or did you want to embed it in an email you're spam- uhh- sending out to people?

It went downhill from there.

The worst thing about teaching idiots buzzwords is that they use them as indiscriminately as they use everything else, and bumble around until they find a meaningful combination by accident. The best thing is that they're usually trying to do something that's not even theoretically possible because what they think they want doesn't actually exist, or they're trying to do something I don't have to help them do on the phone. Like edit the HTML for their site.

(oh, and the real beauty of this one is that she turned out to want the search engines to bring up her page when people searched for her email address, which is something that will usually be done for her when the search engines index her page. Assuming she didn't want her page to pop up every time anyone types her email for any purpose in anything, which is something I'm kind of glad people like her can't do ..)

Email = reason for marriage.

[karopanda.livejournal.com]

While I was giggling over horse porn and kids gone wrong...still, I got a call from one of the professors who did research in chem.  I talked to him and seen him before, because SquirrelMail is the bane of his existence, apparently.  Today, he decided to use pine, for which he needs to know extremely easy unix commands...and how to log into our unix server.

So, after I explained all the one's he'd need and sent him an email in case he forgot, he decided to get a little personal.

Prof. ChemHead: Wow, awesome!  Thanks!
Me: You're welcome!  Is there anything else you needed?
Prof. ChemHead: Yes, just one question.
Me: Okay, shoot!
Prof. ChemHead: Are you single?
Me: What?
Prof. ChemHead: I said, are you single?
Me: Uhh...yes?
CH: Well, so am I.
Me: Really?  I thought you would have had nerd babies between calling me.
CH: Ahaha...  Well, we've been getting along pretty well lately.
Me: Really, now?
CH: Yes, really.  And after this relationship has had such a great chance to develop and be nurtured as it was, I was wondering if you're the type to marry.
My Brain:  W.  T.  F?
My mouth: I don't think that's supported, Sir. (Still trying to figure out why this comes out as my response to things when I don't know what else to say)
CH: Would you like to go on a date?
Me: I'm a student.  A 19-year-old student.
CH: Oh...call me when you graduate.

Click.

...What the fuck?  This is a help center.  For tech support.  Not a dating service for professors who have their head in the chemicals.  "Develop and nurture"...our relationship...because he has issues with his email constantly (because he's incredibly...not..tech...savvy.)

Lesson: Tech support is serious business.  However,  if while receiving tech support you feel feelings of elation to the point where you even momentarily consider marriage, dating, or otherwise with your tech supporter, it may be time to visit counseling.

Oh well, at least I didn't have some weird girl stalk me to the point of getting her schedule to match mine after I fixed her computer once unlike ONE of my coworkers.  ...But he's also a bit of a chronic flirt and may have deserved it.

And the great thing about working with guys?  My new office nickname is "Princess Bride"...after that movie.

I'm so changing all their passwords the moment they're not looking.

IT?

[freakbarman.livejournal.com]

So I get called out to a national company that rents construction equipment. They are having problem printing to a IBM Infoprint 1552 which is just a Lexmark T642 with IBM markings. When they call me they state that they have already had their companies IT department come out and they spent 3 hours trying to make this system work and it has to be a hardware problem with the printer. That's why they call me. Well I go onsite and print a network setup page from the printer, and it shows me they are set up with a static IP on the printer. I go to one of their computers and try pinging the printer. No response. I go to check the cables and discover that the printer is hooked to a small Linksys 4 port hub. I unplug the hub and let it sit for 30 seconds. Upon giving the hub power the printer starts printing all the print jobs that were still in the print que. My question is, What kind of IT people are these people hiring if they don't try a reset on a $15 hub first?