Help Desk HELL updated!

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

Help Desk HELL has been updated with a new batch of calls.
NOW i know why i have waited so long to go through these things... UGH... it's like reliving a nightmare...
ANYWAY, here are SOME of the latest calls added, GO TO THE SITE (and click on some damned advertiser links) TO SEE THE REST! And yes, click on the "clueless luser stories" page, and some of your very graciously donated anecdotes are there, if you want me to change anything on that page, OR ADD MORE STUFF, just leave a comment. email me or leave a comment if you have a story you want to contributed! and i LOVE real calls!!!! email them to me and i'll edit out identifying info, or you can do it, whichever!

Added April 13th 2005

When you point out that the users are idiots, even nicely, they still hate you (272k) After as politely as possible demonstrating to her that YES, when the computer says "bad username or password" you are in fact using a BAD username or password, she decides that "she doesn't appreciate the hatefullness" and will call back later. Naturally, i'm heartbroken. This supposedly mentally sound lady does worse than the retarded gentelman (1.3meg) I tell her to restart her MODEM.  She restarts her COMPUTER.  When i point out that she needs to reboot the MODEM as i had INSTRUCTED her, she decideds to call me a smartass.  ME!!! A SMARTASS! yup, i'm just as shocked and suprised as you are. Now you're on my website! Eat that bitch! User doesn't want to be DEFILED by Cheating House Wife Pron spam (1.2 meg) WOW, this is a DOOOZY call.  We have alot of mega religious types here in the south, and some of them get on the net. And suprise suprise, some of them get PORN SPAM!  OMG OMG OMG!!  This guy thinks he's going to go to hell for just viewing the stuff before he deletes it.  Best part here? He tells the story about how he reponded BACK to porn spam with SCRIPTURES.  And then claims that they sent him a virus that was STRAIGHT FROM HELL!!  Better just delete it next time dood... This is one of those ones you just know is going to be good (388k) "What is the C n n dot com?"  Well... lady... if you dont know what CNN is... i dont think that you'll remember it in five minutes if i tell you now... MY COMPUTER WONT LET ME!!! (603K) If you are new to Internet Tech Support you dont know this yet, but there are THOUSANDS of computers out there that just get SOME kind of BUG up their ass and decide to NOT LET their users DO certain things.  I constantly get calls like this... MY COMPUTER WONT LET ME *insert random thing that the user is either doing just plain wrong, that they have broken, or that computers just dont do ANYWAY like say... start their car for them*.  In this case, the computer wouldn't LET HER turn it off.  Since i'm the UBER tech i am, i know the fix for this.  UNPLUG IT TARD.

valis
CEO
Valis Enterprises
my sites include:
http://www.valiskeogh.com - personal
http://www.valissoft.com - business
http://www.jackosuicidewatch.com - hehehehehe
http://www.helpdeskhell.com - obviously
and check out my other domain name (being redirected) http://www.stfuho.com cause she's a hawtie
*feel free to link to this post, or feel DOUBLY Free to link to my site*

Just because I still get idiots calling

[polarbee.livejournal.com]

Too many idiots believing too many virus hoaxes. Too many computers that people have gone in and randomly deleted essential files because an email told them to. As an antidote to this, I present this quite old virus hoax response.

( One man's response... )

I don't appreciate your ruse, sir. Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me.

[crankyholly.livejournal.com]

Last call of the evening last night. I'm tired, bored, and ready to go home..

*Beep Beep*

Me: Thanks for calling, formalities, more formalities What can I help you with, sir?
Asshat: Yes, This is Mr. Asshat, and my former roommate, Mr. Fuckwad, has moved out, and he's wanting his email account, fuckwad@isp.net, moved to his account. I was told I'd have to call to give permission for that move to take place.

I notice that Mr. Asshat's service has been turned off for non-payment, but apathy is in full swing, so I realy don't care at this point... after all 15 minutes till the end of my shift.

Me: Okay, sir, can you give me his account information?
AH: blah blah, phone number, address
Me: Thanks. I'll put you on hold while I have this taken care of.

Open up a lead chat to have our leads switch it over, I'm typing in the situation and before I actually connect to the chat, I remember I didn't verify Asshat's last 4 digits of his social security number.

Me: Mr. Asshat, thank you for holding. The switch is almost complete. I just need to verify the last four digits of your social.
AH: mumbles, stutters, shuffles papers in the background. Um, who's number?
Me: The last 4 digits of YOUR social, Mr. Asshat.
'AH': Uh, 9645?
Me: *cancels lead chat* I'm sorry, that's not what I have listed here.
'AH': So you can't switch it?
Me: I'm sorry. You'll need Mr. Asshat to actually call in.

The guy proeeds to admit being Mr. Fuckwad, and yells at me because I won't switch his account over. He hangs up and I note both accounts. I check back just before I leave and see he's called Tier 1 (the television department) and they've transferred him back to us. I can't wait to read his notes today.

Teeth-grating call

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

So the caller says they have three issues. Thank you so much for saving them up for me.

First, some other person in the office occasionally gets messages in IE.
Are they getting them now? No.
What did the errors say? Different things.
Is the person available for troubleshooting? No.
Fuck off, then.

Secondly, a different person again is launching the timesheet app and it's freezing.
Have they tried a different PC? No.
Are they available for troubleshooting? No.
Fuck off, then.

Thirdly, the caller himself is getting the occasional low-resource message. Or at least he was, on a previous PC.
Have you been getting them on the new PC? No.
Is the old PC available for troubleshooting? No.
Fuck off, then.

What, you think I have a magic "Fix the World" wand that works with no troubleshooting and no data? And you think I'd waste it on you if I did?

Gyah.