Help Desk HELL updated!

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

Help Desk HELL has been updated with a new batch of calls.
NOW i know why i have waited so long to go through these things... UGH... it's like reliving a nightmare...
ANYWAY, here are SOME of the latest calls added, GO TO THE SITE (and click on some damned advertiser links) TO SEE THE REST! And yes, click on the "clueless luser stories" page, and some of your very graciously donated anecdotes are there, if you want me to change anything on that page, OR ADD MORE STUFF, just leave a comment. email me or leave a comment if you have a story you want to contributed! and i LOVE real calls!!!! email them to me and i'll edit out identifying info, or you can do it, whichever!

Added April 13th 2005

When you point out that the users are idiots, even nicely, they still hate you (272k) After as politely as possible demonstrating to her that YES, when the computer says "bad username or password" you are in fact using a BAD username or password, she decides that "she doesn't appreciate the hatefullness" and will call back later. Naturally, i'm heartbroken. This supposedly mentally sound lady does worse than the retarded gentelman (1.3meg) I tell her to restart her MODEM.  She restarts her COMPUTER.  When i point out that she needs to reboot the MODEM as i had INSTRUCTED her, she decideds to call me a smartass.  ME!!! A SMARTASS! yup, i'm just as shocked and suprised as you are. Now you're on my website! Eat that bitch! User doesn't want to be DEFILED by Cheating House Wife Pron spam (1.2 meg) WOW, this is a DOOOZY call.  We have alot of mega religious types here in the south, and some of them get on the net. And suprise suprise, some of them get PORN SPAM!  OMG OMG OMG!!  This guy thinks he's going to go to hell for just viewing the stuff before he deletes it.  Best part here? He tells the story about how he reponded BACK to porn spam with SCRIPTURES.  And then claims that they sent him a virus that was STRAIGHT FROM HELL!!  Better just delete it next time dood... This is one of those ones you just know is going to be good (388k) "What is the C n n dot com?"  Well... lady... if you dont know what CNN is... i dont think that you'll remember it in five minutes if i tell you now... MY COMPUTER WONT LET ME!!! (603K) If you are new to Internet Tech Support you dont know this yet, but there are THOUSANDS of computers out there that just get SOME kind of BUG up their ass and decide to NOT LET their users DO certain things.  I constantly get calls like this... MY COMPUTER WONT LET ME *insert random thing that the user is either doing just plain wrong, that they have broken, or that computers just dont do ANYWAY like say... start their car for them*.  In this case, the computer wouldn't LET HER turn it off.  Since i'm the UBER tech i am, i know the fix for this.  UNPLUG IT TARD.

valis
CEO
Valis Enterprises
my sites include:
http://www.valiskeogh.com - personal
http://www.valissoft.com - business
http://www.jackosuicidewatch.com - hehehehehe
http://www.helpdeskhell.com - obviously
and check out my other domain name (being redirected) http://www.stfuho.com cause she's a hawtie
*feel free to link to this post, or feel DOUBLY Free to link to my site*

Comments

[jahbulon.livejournal.com]

I don't know how you guys do it.. That accent.. is painful.

Spayam. I'm receiving too much spayam. ech

[lordstorm.livejournal.com]

I have to agree. I'm used to a relaxed Australian accent mostly, with the odd clipped Northern European, cultured Western European, melodious Indian or rapid Asian accents mostly on our helpdesk.

But that one nearly made my ears bleed. "Oh mah Gawd!" *wince*

[fixerkitty.livejournal.com]

I lived in the South for six years. That religious guy had the same accent as my brother in law (my sister still lives there) but the difference is, he's educated and doesn't spout Scripture. Thank God.

I can't say anything about accents, I'm originally from the NE US and still sound like I come from Brooklyn half the time, so...but still, that was frightening.

Next time I'd ask him who won the Civil War for entertainment value. ;)

[docskurlock.livejournal.com]

The Hatefullness? OH MY GOD! Dude, I'd have to kill em. Shining examples of idiots that should NOT have a computer.

By the way, I'm from Texas, so they sounded somewhat normal to me, hehe.

[dmsalem00.livejournal.com]

I grew up spoonfed BBC castoffs on PBS. None of you sound normal to me ;-p

[docskurlock.livejournal.com]

I feel sorry for you.

Back to the idiots, did you check out the site? A couple more there and they are just as funny.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

lol

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

LOL, alabama here :(

[docskurlock.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I'm so sorry. Alabamy is not a fun state. When I was there in 97, we had girls from 14 up hitting on us, hoping we'd marry em. I was in the Corps at the time, fresh out of boot. Thank god none of us got married, but still. Bama ain't a great state, but it ain't the worst.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

nope, but read the site.

we had isp's in mississippi and tennessee and backwoods georgia.

we covered all the idiots...

[docskurlock.livejournal.com]

Damn. I feel sorry for you, I really do.

[jcaswell.livejournal.com]

Just out of interest, isn't it illegal to record calls / post them on the internet without the knowledge of the caller? I know it is here in the UK

[tsutton.livejournal.com]

And USA too... you have to tell them it's being recorded.

[anivair.livejournal.com]

Most places to tell them that. "This call may be monitored or recorded" and so on and so forth.

[tsutton.livejournal.com]

But did he for this?

[jcaswell.livejournal.com]

That's what I was thinking

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

There might be a recorded message when the customer's call up saying that these calls are recorded, monitored and used for quality control and training purposes. Or something like that.

Our company has that disclaimer on the phone before the caller gets to a tech.

[jcaswell.livejournal.com]

But does that then give you the right to take those recordings and post them to an external website? I'd be a bit pissed off if I found calls of mine being posted on the internet without my knowledge. I think valiskeogh could be on some very sticky ground legally if one of the people in those calls were to find them and complain.

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

True. I was wondering the same thing. I don't know if that disclaimer leaves it open for that.

if one of the people in those calls were to find them and complain.

I'm not making fun of you, but this comment made me laugh. :) I mean, the lady couldn't even figure out what "cee n n dot com" was. I doubt they would find this page. ;)

[jcaswell.livejournal.com]

It's a long shot, I know, but it could happen! Maybe she's got a techsavvy friend or something! (OK, yes, I'm reaching a bit here :))

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

you guys haven't heard PAT yet... oh yes... pat will get her own page...

picture 4 different techs
each at completely different times
trying to explain that you need to type "@" instead of "at"
and how to type the "@"

[jcaswell.livejournal.com]

Eeeek!

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

I can't wait!!!!!! :D

Then I will probably smash my head on the desk. ;)

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY!!!!!!

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

that's the fun part.

none of these people are smart enough to go anywhere beyond yahoo, and whereever they go to get spyware and viruses.

training purposes

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

all o' dat

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

no, he's a complete retard.

haven't you called for tech support?

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

what he said

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

and they were told :)

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

the company recorded all calls, before talking to anyone they got the "calls may be monitored or recorded for training and quality assurance"

i list this under training

plus, all identifying information i remove from the sound files

[sunfell.livejournal.com]

When I worked retail, I had customers (who thought that they knew something about computers) call the CPU the "modem". Sometimes that led to a merry semantic chase, because they'd call the monitor the "computer". I'd have to stand there and tell them, much as one gently corrects a small child, that the big box with the drives was the computer, the modem was inside the computer (most of the time- my broadband modem is on top of my computer), and that TV-looking thing was the monitor.

So, I can see what happened. Your caller was one of those miseducated sorts who believed that the computer box was a 'modem'.

Try explaning how to hook together an external modem, router, and firewall. I tend to avoid that- I just do that myself... for a fee.

[sunfell.livejournal.com]

Oh, and some people called the computer box the "hard drive"- which caused even more confusion.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

I've had some success with "computer box", as in "plug it into the back of the computer box," or "push the button on the computer box."

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

heard it all... sigh...

[das.livejournal.com]

Ach, egads. What a grating bunch of callers & accents.

Atleast the religious guy was polite.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

lol, true that

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

"Usually that "YEAH-HOO" comes up."

ohmigod. I would be pulling my hair out on the phone! :\

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

thank god i still have my hair...

i actually took to lifting a barbell in the tech room during "difficult" calls

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

What I'm noticing lately .... our center has been having some really really bad days that have been extending into a week. (contant issues)

Without any sympathy from management - old that we're told (well I was specifically told) to keep my mouth shut (not cussing at all but telling my screen, "my god, are you stupid?!" because "important people are around the area."

Is it that these managers leave their call positions never to look back or remember what it's like to deal with these idiots that make you want to bash your head through the monitor.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

either that or they are genetic mutants...

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

I think I'm going to agree with the Genetic mutants.

[methedras.livejournal.com]

Hahah hatefullness.

Like jahbulon said, I don't know how you deal with the redneck accents. Haha.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

was a DAILY struggle...