Chalkboards

[naggy.livejournal.com]

All users need a chalkboard in their cubicle, so that when they call about something stupid, I can order them to write 100 times:

"I will read the entire error message before I call the help desk."

(no subject)

[ororo.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about this one for a while.

I want a moratorium on resetting passwords on Fridays, unless the caller can prove they are scheduled to work at least one of the following two days.

Think of the number of calls that would cut down on Mondays.

(no subject)

[chaobell]

Dear Customer,

If you must use your computer as a TV tray, please knock the chunky bits off the top before you bring it to us for repair plz kthxbye.

xoxo
Your disgusted technician

[x-posted to customers_suck]

Dear Crazy Lady,

[warlockd.livejournal.com]

Just saying "My CD-ROM don't work" helps, but saying, "I accidentally knocked over my cup of coffee, it dripped inside the mechanism and it now makes a grinding noise." would help much more.

Also, screaming about our high repair prices and mentioning that the Nazi's had the right idea about Jews won't get service quicker.

Thank you.

PS -Acts of God and Stupidity are not covered by our Warrenty.

the only non-morally bankrupt use for Clippy

[riffraff.livejournal.com]

Microsoft should resurrect Clippy, but this time for Good, rather than Evil:

(can you tell i've listened to a few too many solitare-playing grandmas who've lost their life's work and of course, didn't have backups?)

Rule #1- Back Up. Externally. Frequently. You Dumbass.

[fuego.livejournal.com]

Dude:"uh yeah, I have this problem, I was sorta hoping for a quick fix"
Me:"well...ok, let me get your info and we'll see what we can do

*dude gives vital info, I open record, blah blah blah*

Me:"ok so what's going on?"
Dude:*lot's of probably but not necessarily definitely stuff about an external firewire drive* "and I turned my computer off, and started it back up nad it was like I never turned the computer on before, it wanted me to set up everyhting from scratch"
Me:" Ok, so you rebooted your computer and it's basically back to out-of-box condition?"
Dude: "Yes. Everything"
Me:Out Loud: "Hmm...ok, that's really strange."
Me: In my head: "WTF did you do? Dude, you're screwed. I bet you're not backed up either"
Me, again to dude:"Are you backed up externally?"
Dude:"No. Do I need to be? Can you just tell me what preference or cache files to pull to fix this? I'd really like a quick fix"
Me"Hmm...did you do a search of your hard drive for any of your data?Is anyhting left?"
Dude: "No, it all seems to be gone. But I can recover it can't I?"
Me: "If it's not on your drive, it's gone. And you weren't backed up, that's the only way I can help you recover your data"
Dude: "That's not the answer I wanted"

Dude goes on to tell me that he has to go and asks me to do some research as to how to get his data back, he'll call back tomorrow. I try to explain that he's not going to get it back. Dude keeps saying that that's "not the answert he wants to hear" and he "wants a quick fix"

Well...you're not gonna get one and I'm not gonna lie to you.

Stoopid people keep me employed.

A Few Things To Keep In Mind When Calling Tech Support...

[fuego.livejournal.com]

1. It says on the voice recording that we require a serial number. I know we should have it in the system, and damn skippy we do. But I am required to verify the number to determine support eligibility and make sure I'm giving you the right info. So stop bitching and just give me the number, it wastes less of both of our time. If for some reason that serial number is inaccessible at the moment, that's ok.i'm more than happy to help you find it.

2. I don't give a flying fuck as to how many Macs you own and how much money you spend on Apple products every year/week/day/13.42 seconds. So if I tell you that a particular computer is out of support,don't bitch at me about how much money we're going to lose if I deny you support and you never buy Apple again. What person in their right mind who's spent so much time using an OS/system that actually works would suddenly go and sink all their money into a Gateway over one support issue anyway?I call your bluff.

3. I really don't care WHY you need to get it working, my scope of support and ability to make something work is the same whether it's government-critical or Mrs. Liebowitz's cats. So give me the pertinent details and forget the rest.

4. Yes, I need the full error message. Not "there was an error. somethign about a problem with a file maybe?"

5. Take the damned extra memory out already you wuss.

6. If I say update the software/firmware, do it damn you. I'm not telling you to do it for my health. I still don't care if it worked 5 minuters ago, the problem you're having now is the one they wrote the update to fix.

7. Do NOT bitch at me as to how "No one wants to take responsibility for any products" when I tell you that somethign is a 3rd party problem and refer you to that company. If that company makes products for Apple and doesn't support them, why the hell are you buying them?"

8. YES I need to take your info. NO, I CANNOT just answer a "really quick question" about a gigantic wireless networking mess

9. "Reboot" does not equal "Shut down" does not equal "Sleep" does not equal "Log Out" They don't even sound similar so WHY do so many people get them mixed up?

10. And for the last time, I WILL NOT TELL YOU HOW TO CHANGE YOUR SHORT NAME OR DO ANYHITNG ELSE INVOLVING THE ROOT USER OR NETINFO MANAGER. So go reinstall the damned OS if you fucked it up. That I can help you with.

I can think of more...many more rules...But I'm tired and need to sleep. After I smack a roommate for Bad Musical Taste.