Over-enthusiasm

[tertiumquid.livejournal.com]

I really don't care how badly you want to sneak a peek at the upcoming version. Wanting to get your hands on the beta does not warrant a sev 1 / system down ticket with level 2 support. Asshat.

Why oh why are you so stupid?

[russianswinga.livejournal.com]

Dearest user:
My programmer job application clearly stated that a requirement of my position is that I should be able to lift 50-75 pounds. I am employed as said programmer. I am carrying said 50 pounds right now, as you can probably tell by the Optiplex 270 towers I have in each of my hands. I have just carried them down 3 flights of stairs and had to use my leg to open the door. Yet you approach me as I cross the parking lot holding these two machines, and proceed to stop me and ask me a question regarding your handheld. When I tell you to take it to the helpdesk, you persist in asking me if I can give you any steps to fix your wireless issue.

Why yes, yes I can.

Step 1: walk to an area that has wireless coverage. I.E. NOT the parking lot
Step 2: kindly let me proceed, as my fingers are burning from holding these awkward towers, and I'm not inclined to drop them on the ground.

And dear user... FUCK YOU! I will likely not be able to lift my fork as I try to eat dinner tonight due to your decision to get your issue resolved by me as opposed to the help desk. I repeat it again: FUCK YOU. You did not just cause me inconvenience, you, through your sheer stupidity, or social ineptitude, caused me personal injury. I hope when the next round of layoffs comes, you'll be the first to go. But knowing the seniority procedure at this institution, it will, of course, be me.

(no subject)

[mix-hyenataur.livejournal.com]

User Lingo.

[liber-cogito.livejournal.com]

"Cut it on."
And
"Cut it off."

In reference to powering up or down a PC, or any electronic device.
WTF? 
Where did this come from? 
How does "Cut it on" make sense in ANY context? 

What's the most baffling user terminology you've run into?

(no subject)

[jarad.livejournal.com]

Dear asshat customer,

We send you outage notifications about planned maintenance so that you DON'T freak out when your circuit goes down, phone us at 3am, get various folks out of bed, and getting the poor engineer doing the upgrade all flustered and panicked and possibly making a mistake and have yourself a full blown panic attack. YOU WERE TOLD IT WAS GOING TO GO DOWN FOR AN HOUR 2 WEEKS AGO. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE COMPENSATION. As a matter of fact - and you don't know it yet - but you're getting a whopping out-of-hours bill for your asshattery.

No love,
Your very tired ISP engineer.