A laptop is. A. LAPTOP!

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

Background: Every user at my work has a desktop and a laptop.

User calls in, their life is about to end because 'teh server's down' (IE doesn't find MySpace or some such).

Gilmoure: "Can I remote in?"

User: "Yes, oh thank you!"

Gilmoure: "Are you on your laptop or desktop?"

User: "I'm on my desktop."

Gilmoure: "I don't see it online." -or- "No one is logged on." (blink-blink)

User: (blink-blink)

Gilmoure: "Are you on your desktop or laptop?"

User: "I'm on my laptop. I use it as my desktop."

Gilmoure: "Ah, so the last 3 minutes of my life are wasted (I average over 100 calls a day; those 3 minutes add up) because you are so stupid you can't tell the difference between a large ass honking tower and a laptop computer. Aaaaugh!" (breaks fingers repeatedly mashing the "2x4 to the customer's head" button.)

Dear Users,

A laptop is a god damn fucking laptop. I don't care if you have it sitting on a desk or are wearing as an expensive pair of Depends. I don't care if you balance it on your head, spin around in your chair and make motor boat noises (and still make more money than me) It. Is. A. Fucking. Laptop!

Be very glad I don't have the full bitch psychic (psychotic?) powers that you assume I do, when you email in "Printer Bad" or "Internet broke". Because if I did have the powers to decipher your grunts and scratches and just 'know' what the hell has climbed up your ass today, I would also have the power to telekinetically rearrange your body so that your ass was attached to your neck and your head was the end of your alimentary canal. No doubt, this would improve conversation with you, when you're not too busy to actually call and shower us with your wisdom (there's smoke coming out of the cd drive. Is email down?) and instead send an email with OMGWTF!!! NEED IT FIXES NOW! status when it clearly states on the email form page; 24 hour response time.

Oh, what the hell, just go die or play golf or something. Just stay the hell of my networks and computers!

Your loving tech monkey,

Gilmoure

Thought you guys might appreciate this...

[phrogg.livejournal.com]

(no subject)

[ex-deliveryboy.livejournal.com]

I'm in the process of moving from Mesa, AZ to Northern Illinois, thanks to promotion at work. Went from tech to shift lead to supervisor and now I'm "Tier 3 tech", (only because they couldn't think of a better title)


Anyways, I used to have cable and broadband service w/ a company called Cable America. rather small company, but excellent service and dependability.

Then they got bought by Cox, and I ended by service shortly afterwards. I switched to Dish Network for tv, and decided not to even have internet service at home.



Anyways, now I'm in Illinois, just got an apartment, and my family won't be coming out for another week or so. Now I do need to have home service for a variety of reasons.


So I get an email yesterday that the requested turn on time isn't available, so I got rescheduled for 1-5pm on a Tuesday. keep in mind, this is to hook up 1 box, and apparently I have to pay $30 to hook up the cable modem myself.


I call up Comcast, spent 10 minutes or so on hold, was never really given the right choice to begin with, and the kid who answered is going to transfer me to "the right department". cool.

I wait another 10 minutes, then a recording comes on saying the number I dialed is no longer in service, and to call a different 800 number.

grr.

Call, wait ANOTHER 10-15 minutes on hold. Finally get the right service. Oh, but apparently, installations are only done until 5:00 pm. No way they can do it after 5:30 or 6 when I'll actually be there.


had to convince them to have the tech call the office, ask them to open the apartment, then just drop the box inside si I can hook it up later, otherwise it'd be another 2 weeks before someone would be available to have them come in and hook up service.




I'm already shopping for alternatives.

Sigh.

[blossomingfire.livejournal.com]

Yesterday:

Dear users,
If your toolbar for [program] isn't installing into Word, please close Word, save the following files into [specific folder], and then reopen Word.
Thanks,
BF

This morning:

Dear BF:
I cannot open these files.
lUser


*Ding ding ding* We have a winner!

People who shouldn't be allowed to own computer

[russianswinga.livejournal.com]

Background: I'm on helpdesk at a university with > 40000 students, faculty and staff. I receive a call, where a lady with a VERY thick cantonese accent proceeds to tell me about her problem.

L: I can't log in.
Me: I'd be very happy to help you with this. Are you having problems logging into a computer or logging in to check your email?
L: I can't log into a computer to check my email.
Me: ....
L: It say password not correct.
Me: Does your computer say password not correct, or the email program?
L: The computer say password error when I email.
Me: Can you tell me what computer you can't log into? Is this a personal computer, a public lab computer, or a computer that belongs to your department?
L: It the computer, it no like my password. My personal and department and public computer all no like my password email
Me: ????
Me: M'am, your computer, depatmental computers, and public labs would all have different accounts and different passwords associated with them. Can you give me a list of the comuters you can log into and which ones you can't?
L: I call you back, OK? *click*
Me: *sigh* please don't.

(no subject)

[the-ninja-style.livejournal.com]

Apparently Compaq and Dell got together, had a love child, and named it MAC

Remember y'all I deal with field techs!
This one was having trouble getting the modem online.

Me: What type of OS are they running?
Him: It's a MAC
Me: OK, I need a little more info
Him: It's a Intel Sempron.
Me: ... Did you just say a MAC is running an Intel Sempron?
Him: Yes.
Me: You know Intel and Sempron are processors right? For two different computer companies?
Tech: Oh... she said it's MAC 10.
Me: OK then.

Take my hand...

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

...as I lead you down the path of reason.

I feel strongly that a keylogger is installed on my pc. Is there any keylogger on the market to your knowledge that your software will not detect?

IF WE KNEW ABOUT IT, IT WOULD DETECT IT.

Had I known the user manual for your product was 50 pages, I wouldn't have purchased it.

I AM SURE THAT YOU OPERATE THINGS ON A DAILY BASIS WITH USER MANUALS MUCH LONGER THAN 50 PAGES.

Basic Email Knowledge or lack thereof.

[graafen]

An incident arrived on our stack about 10 minutes ago:

"Unable to reply or forward emails.

User has no icon to reply to or forward emails and has no send button in new emails."

This incident was originally logged two and a half days ago, and during this time has been passed back and forth between 1st line, 2nd line, and the Exchange team, the user chasing and complaining all the while. Finally some bright spark grasps that the user is on C-SUP (see my earlier post for more info) and sends it to us.

So I call the user and after five minutes of explaining the process of entering a password I'm finally able to remote control to his machine. I assume that this must be something to do with the user's Outlook profile. How wrong was I.

I'm looking directly at the user's desktop and aside from his toolbars being in different positions to the default setup everything is fine.

Me: "Are you sure you can't see Reply or Forward? I can see them."
User: "Where?"
Me: *points to them with cursor*
User: "Oh! They weren't there earlier."

Once I again I assume wrongly that I've reached the boundary of the user's ineptitude. He continues...
User: "Ahh, but if I go into an email I have no send button!"
Me: "Show me"

The user double-clicks on an email in his inbox and is presented with it.
User: "See? No send button!"
Me: "Err... you need to click 'Reply' or 'Forward' first."
User: "...oh."

Now we've hit rock bottom. Not only can he not see the wood for the trees but he hasn't grasped basic email client functionality. And all this after complaining to the previous agents.

the stupid, it burns

[red-scully.livejournal.com]

Me:  Helpdesk From Hell, can I help you?
Luser:  I can't get onto the intranet.
Me:  Okay, can you tell me what happens when you try to?
Luser:  I can't log in.
Me:  O_o  There is no login screen for the intranet, Sir.  Can you log into your user account, or is this where you are stuck?
Luser:  I can log in fine.  I can't get onto the intranet.
Me:  *sigh*  Ok.  So you log into Windows fine, but the intranet won't load?
Luser:  The intranet doesn't work.  I can't log in.
Me:  Can you log into your user account, Sir?
Luser:  No.  It's locked out.
Me:  *headdesk*


Here's a thought.  Before ringing me to report your problem, how about getting straight in your head what your problem actually is?  I'm not expecting you to give me technical details or any 'complicated' shit like that, but it would be really nice to JUST ONCE take a call from someone who can just say, "My account is locked out; please unlock".  IS THAT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK?

Introducing myself....etc...

[asbrand.livejournal.com]

Greetings!   Just wanted to take the time to introduce myself, and give one of my own stories of "techsupport" hell.   Found this community via a friend of mine (who I also happen to work at the same company with).

Some background on me:   I am almost 40, married, kids, etc.  I currently live in Atlanta (one of the suburbs, actually).

I work as a Network Engineer for a large ISP / Telephone / Cable company, who's name sounds very similar to those cloth things you put on your feet.   ;-)

Before coming here a little over a year ago, I worked for HellSloth (figure that out) for 7+ years doing the same thing.  Before that, I was a software installation tech for a Dental Insurance Claims Processing company.   And before that, I was a desktop computer builder / tech at a little shop in Kingsport, Tennessee for about 4 years.  I've been working in the "computer tech" industry since about 1993 or so, but been unofficially helping friends / family since the late 80's.

So...that's my background...now onto the amusing stuff...

( Click here for the stupidity... )

(hope you guys get a kick outta this...I have plenty more from that shop....rednecks and computers make for funny stories!)



-Az
http://www.asbrand.com