Can't you people just pay me and go away?

[tecie.livejournal.com]

Coworker: You closed the ticket on our web page authentication timing out?
Me: Yes, I did.
Coworker: Why?
Me: We solved the problem last month. There have been no complaints in weeks.
Coworker: But they said other servers are having this problem!
Me: But we're not.
Coworker: But we want to be in the group that gets the fix.
Me: I blew out a tire on I-787 last week and changed the tire. If I call AAA today they won't be able to help.
Coworker: Well I'm reopening the ticket.
Me: You do that.

The IT Shop Blues ( A lunch hour lament)

[jecook]

This was written by my co-worker/soon to be boss (The official Change of Command is next week, but I take orders from her already) down at the Home Office, who gratefully gave me permission to re-post it here.
( It's a bit on the long side )

x-posted from my journal

[obliquity.livejournal.com]

Here's a ticket I have right now.

cust: I want to upgrade to static ip address or shdsl
me: are you business?
cust: no 2 residential accounts.
me: call sales or billing, they handle upgrades.
cust: I called them, they haven't answered.
me: sorry they are the only ones who handle upgrades.
cust: can't you upgrade me?
me: no, I'm tech support.
cust: well what do you do?
me: tech support.
cust: well is [package] this a package?
me: yes, that is the fastest package.
cust: can you check if this number has that package?
cust: and this one too.
me: *checks numbers*
me: number xxxXXXxxxx has the fastest package. number yyyYYYyyyy has [2nd fastest package].
cust: can I get static ip on either of those?
me: I don't know. Contact billing or sales.
cust: can I get shdsl on either of those?
me: I don't know, contact billing or sales.
cust: they suck, they never answer their phones
me: I'm sorry but as I have told you already they are the only departments that handle upgrades. I told you that when you submitted the ticket and I am telling you that again now.

GOOD LORD OMG STFU!!!!!

Virus

[dog-star-man.livejournal.com]

I sent this note out today in light of the crazy/ugly new virus on the loose.

Hi,

Normally, I don't send out a warning about every virus that comes out, but this one is particularly nasty and could cause some serious damage. Please read the attached details below.

Please be careful about any e-mail attachments that you save and also be wary of websites that ask you if you would like to install any software. These are the main places that this one can come from.

It will also mail itself through instant messenger programs. I do not suggest that you use these in the first place, but if you do, I'd appreciate it if you stop using it and un-install it. If you persist in using any type of IM and a virus does work it's way into our network and messes with the files on your PC and then continues on to the rest of the network and servers, you have been warned and this will be your fault. If you need help un-installing an IM from your system, I will gladly help.

If you notice anything strange on your PC, or if you get any messages from your virus scan software about threats, please let me know immediately.

**Attached Details**

Over the last week, "Blackworm" infected about 300,000 systems based on analysis of logs from the counter web site used by the worm to track itself. This  worm is  different and more serious than other worms for a number of reasons. In particular, it will overwrite a user's files on February 3rd.

At this point, the worm will be detected by up to date anti-virus signatures. In order to protect yourself from data loss on February 3rd, you should use current (Jan 17th or later) anti-virus signatures.  Note, however, that the malware attempts to disable/remove any anti-virus software on the system (and does this every hour while the system is up), so if the machine was infected before signatures were deployed, obviously, that anti-virus software can't be expected to clean up the infection for you.

The following file types will be overwritten by the virus: DOC, XLS, MDE, MDB, PPT, PPS, RAR, PDF, PSD, DMP, ZIP. The files are overwritten with an error message( 'DATA Error [47 0F 94 93 F4 K5]').

The first thing you should do is to update your anti virus signatures.

blah blah blah....

Notice the bold text. I should know never to put that in any e-mail I send out. So far, I've gotten numerous calls on just about any topic. I've answered what an IM is, explained to a person that the reason their printer isn't printing isn't the cause of the virus, but because they leave their PC on for weeks in a row, etc. Now that I sent it out, any small glitch that happens on the network, I hear about it. I've also heard about 20 different stories from various people about any virus they've ever had or think they've had on their home PCs, friend's PC, grandma's PC and on and on....

Now I know what to do if I ever start feeling lonely.

It must be a joke, right?

[sober-panda.livejournal.com]

Now, I do work in tech support, but not for Macintosh or ...whoever makes Elf Bowling. I provide technical support for the websites of a family of online stores that do not sell anything even remotely computer related. This wasn't just e-mailed to our tech address; it was submitted through a form on our site.

I think it speaks for itself:

"i am going to be getting an mac g5 series computer my question you you guys is does elf bowling 1 work with all mac computers please let me know if elf bowling 1 works with all mac computers"

(no subject)

[kizayaen.livejournal.com]

You know you're in for a long, stressful call when the first words out of a client's mouth are:

"Is there something wrong with the internet?"

Well, there's lots of things wrong with the internet. Does she want a dissertation on the inherent inadequacies of DNS as currently implemented? A heated rant on why MTU should be double or more what the current default MTU standard is? A scathing diatribe about the sort of eye-searing content that leads to such phenomena as Google seppuku?* Pointed comparisons of IPSec over TCP to IPSec over UDP?

I was tempted beyond words to say, "Yes. Yes, there is. It's down. All of it. You won't be able to connect to any websites until sometime late Thursday night."

But no, instead I embarked on a good long troubleshooting call. Finally the issue was resolved down to where it was apparent that she's got a good connection from her laptop to her modem, but that her modem is not getting out to the ISP's servers. So I tell her that she'll need to contact her ISP for further troubleshooting. This is, of course, not what she wants to hear. She wants to hear that there's a simple checkbox somewhere that somehow managed to come unchecked and she'll be back up in seconds. So she starts arguing with me.

"Well, isn't there anything you can do?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

It all goes back to what every one of us here feels in our heart. You're calling us because we know more than you. Since we know more than you, then you need to listen to what we're telling you. Arguing isn't going to fix your computer. Being a shrill insipid bitch isn't going to fix your computer. Screaming at me incoherently isn't going to fix your computer. Just listen to us, since that's why you're calling us in the FIRST place.

Fortunately, I've discovered a great tactic to cut off arguments that my clients seem completely unable to get around.

"No, I'm afraid I can't do that for you. Is there anything else that I can help you with tonight?"

"Uh.... but... well, no." *muttering under breath and then CLICK and dialtone*

* I blame the furries.