Open letter to IT managers and Their Staff

[toxico.livejournal.com]

Dear Overly-Self-Important Asspandas:

Reasons for calling support include features not working properly, errors during install or normal use, or requests for information in preparation for upgrades to either our products, your operating system or your mail server.

While there are other reasons, one of them is NOT so that we may function as a living and breathing product manual. If you want to know about new features from one version to the next, try reading the fucking file that is aptly named Readme.txt. I don't care what your excuse is, especially if it involves the words "no one ever reads those."

Furthermore, we are not your parents and will not tell you a bedtime story. Therefore, when you say "We pay for support so instead of me reading the documentation you can just tell me," I am simply going to repeat the phrase "That information is in the documentation." Until we begin producing manuals in Audio Book format, which will begin at approximately 0-fuck-hundred on the 30th of February, kindly eat a dick, deflate your ego, and read like it's Harry fucking Potter.

Seething & Abject Hatred,
Tox

Comments

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

AKA "Please see your manager to arrange training in the use of your standard workplace tools, kthxbye."

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

AMEN!

Reminds me of that idiot who told me in no uncertain terms that the new spam filter's how-to guide, which was four pages long and consisted almost entirely of screenshots, was not worth his time to read and that I needed to explain it to him.

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, his quote was, "I shouldn't have to READ anything to learn how this works!" In the most indignant tone possible. Like my suggesting he read it was akin to my suggesting he might need to nuke an orphanage to learn to use the product.

[projectgator.livejournal.com]

lol'z I remember that!

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Tell him that's the next step - if he doesn't believe you, he can check the manual :)

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Yeah, he said that if he forgot what I was saying (which consisted of "if you think that is spam, click this, and if you don't, click that) then he would just call back instead of reading the help file.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

I suppose he's welcome to try, certainly. Of course, the first words anyone will say will be "Did you read the manual," closely followed by "Why not?"

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, that was never a question we were allowed to ask. Either, actually. Reading the directions was never a requirement and people would be allowed to call for the same reason as many times as they wanted with no penalty.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Ouch.

BWAH!!

[meijhen.livejournal.com]

"asspandas?"

*snork*

Re: BWAH!!

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

beat me to it. Almost better than "assclown," that.

I did this in the name of science

[toxico.livejournal.com]

Prefix "ass" to any simple two-syllable animal name. Works like a charm.

Doesn't have to be two syllables; however, independent research shows this to work best.

Good Examples:

Asspanda
Assmonkey
Assdolphin
Asskitten
Asspanther
Asskangaroo

Bad Examples:

Assocelot
Asselephant
Assbear

You get the idea.

Re: I did this in the name of science

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

omg ... *gasp* *choke*

YOU WIN DA INTERNETS

Re: I did this in the name of science

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

Upon further experimentation, I've found that "ass" + (animal name of any syllable count, starting with S) also does not work.

Hence, "asssnake," "assskink," and "asssalamander" are all bad examples.

I have found that a rather good one is "assaardvark," but for my money "asspenguin" takes the cake.

Carry on then!

[echan.livejournal.com]

Oh gods, I would give anything to work somewhere where I was allowed to say "It's in the fucking manual, asshate, so fuckoff. *click*". I spend half my day quoting manuals to people. :(

[toxico.livejournal.com]

The nice ones that either are just confused or may not be that bright about our products I don't mind helping; in fact, it's a pleasure. Just got off the phone a few minutes ago with a super nice gent who followed every word and was pleased with the results when we were done.

The arrogant fucksticks who think they shit gold bricks are the ones that bother me. The one in particular that promted the original post refused to listen, would begin making beat-box style noises in sync with the absolutely horrible techno in the background while I was explaining things, and generally had the attitude that he was shit-hot and nothing could touch him.

What I failed to mention originally, beides that this guy set me off, was that this particular crankcase was SO ARROGANT he pulled the "Do you know who I am?" line after the third time I said "That information is in the product guide."

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

"Yep. You're the illiterate guy who keeps wasting the technical department's time."