Things today that made me want to crush my ear drums with q tips

[twistedsyx.livejournal.com]

So, I work in call center of like... 5 people... seriously. We do software support for networking assistance software. Today, there was extra stupid floating around today, and it just seeped into our calls. These are some items today that made me wish I had a license for performing blunt object labotomies:

Caps lock and passwords. (finish this however you see fit)

We say, "Click next three times." This does not mean to click next, read what's on the dialog box, then ask if they need to click next, or go back, or if the next button is really what we want to do.

We say, "Check the cables... No really check the cables... F@#$ING A CHECK THE CABLES!" When your internet doesn't work, the first thing anyone SHOULD tell you, is to check the cables. I had 4 people double and triple check my suggestion today.

Me: That one license is good for up to three computers! :D
Them: So, I need three licenses?
Me *thinking*: Oh god.
Me: Nope. Let me try to say it another way I think your infantile brain may understand. That ONE license is good for up to THREE computers.
Them: ...?
Me: Just buy one okay?
Them: Thanks!

NETWORK CONNECTIONS!!! You use the internet don't you? AND YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS?!?! P:LASDAVBH!

Control Panel... Start - Settings - Control Panel... Control panel. Easier than a f@#$ing spelling bee.

They say, "I don't know if you are the right people to talk to," then they're probably right. For this particular hard on, his solution was to call his credit card company. But the leap in logic is what just throws me to the wall.

Can you please elaborate on, "It doesn't work" (Another four timer from just today)

Oh and for the love of god:
(Caution big pictures, best viewed in firefox :D)
This
This, and
This



Picture One:
Screen cap of error, pasted into word, screen capped, pasted into word again, then printed and faxed. And for our purposes... scanned.

Picture Two:
A screen shot of a screen shot, pasted into word, which is on top of a screen shot of windows, with word up. Pasted into Word then printed. Faxed. Scanned.

Picture Three.
A screen shot of a screen shot, pasted into word, which has been pasted into word, and then printed. Faxed. Scanned.

Some of the information has been blacked as to avoid unnecessary phone calls and "Supervisor Reviews."

Please Correct me if I'm wrong, but... I'd like to know what a think.

Comments

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Wait until you get the email with the password-protected compressed attachment of the scan of the fax of the printout of the Powerpoint presentation with the embedded TIFF of the digital photo of a monitor with a Word document with the pasted-in screencap of the app with the error message which could not only have the four words of actual text selected and copied, but which read "Press OK to continue."

[gorthok.livejournal.com]

dude. you are my new god.

[sid-dslaci.livejournal.com]

No man... I am still your god. I fielded this one, which started as an email incident saying "I am getting an error what is wrong". Except probably not spelled that well. I responded with "Sorry to hear that, can you please provide the complete and exact text of the error message so we can determine what it might be related to?"

His response, naturally, was to ask for our fax number, so he can send a screenshot. *blink* Well, sir, we'd really prefer an email attachment, but (anticipating the likelihood that you won't be able to figure out how to do that) here's our fax number.

Then this gem arrived.

Oh, also: The fax had no identifying information on it that we could correlate with anything in our incident database. The name string on it, which talshoe obscured by I will reveal, was a business name starting with "Leroy's..." and the area code placed it in Flint, MI... oh yes. Oh, and, CLIPPY, for the love of god.

It's like one of those "find seven things that are wrong with this drawing" puzzles, it just keeps on giving. We laughed for days.

[gorthok.livejournal.com]

heh. i'm going to seriously have to join this community.

[twistedsyx.livejournal.com]

Dude... You my hero.

[ace-brickman.livejournal.com]

you win everything that could possibly constitute an award

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's not the best bit. The best bit was when our email queue blew out to a week behind because of crap like that clogging our mailbox, and the manager of the original nitwit phoned us in a towering rage because his minion "hadn't been able to use his computer all week" because of the error message.

A winner is YOU!

[jecook]

+500 gold coins, a +1 up, and a brand new LARThammer 40K 'De-Lux'(Complete with a variable impact settings for those stubborn lusers)

[sid-dslaci.livejournal.com]

oh holy crap, I thought you were making up a worst-case scenario, but that was a live case example wasn't it?

[gorthok.livejournal.com]

/me searches for his jaw along with you

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Rule #99: For any worst-case scenario you can think of, there is always a worse one.

:/

[twistedsyx.livejournal.com]

yeah, I mean, I see where you're coming from.

Like, there could be any situation that normally doesn't have snakes, and perhaps its the worst case scenario. You could always make it worse by adding snakes, or a falling ceiling, or pretty much any of the suspenseful parts of indiana jones. (arrows coming out of the walls, huge boulders chasing you, etc)

[liakela.livejournal.com]

*cries*

[xforge.livejournal.com]

Re that last bit, here's what I think:

BWEAAHHAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHH BBLBBLLBBLBLLBLBL WAAAHHUUUGGHHHH HA HA HA HA HA THE USERS ARE MORONS MORONS MOOOOOOOEEE-ROOOONNNNNNSSS HELP ME PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME I WANNA BE A PASTRY CHEF OR FIX CARS FOR A LIVING ANYTHING BUT WORKING WITH THESE NEANDERTHALS PLEASE PLEASE AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

Something like that.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Those professions probably have their own idiot customers and pointy-haired bosses.

"I bought one of your superlarge superheavy Family Kingsize pies and my chichuaua ate it all and was sick in my shoe! Fix it!"

"What's wrong with my car? Well, I dunno... it just doesn't go! And there's a treetrunk where the engine used to be! It worked yesterday, it must be your fault!"

[twistedsyx.livejournal.com]

here's the kicker, above anything else.

He put on there no identifying information that would help us find his incident in our database. So... it's just a random fax to us now.

[mouser.livejournal.com]

Well, you DO have to admit it beats the conversation:

"I had an error"
"What did the error say?"
"Something about there was a problem. It was yesterday and I didn't want to call you."
*tries to kill user with thoughts*

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

I still like "The network's down."

No, what problem are you having. Ah, Outlook can't find your personal folder stored on a server. Quit Outlook, start it up, oh look, your personal folder. Fucking user's ass could be on fire and they call us blaming the network. Meh.

[sid-dslaci.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that always fucking kills me. Sir, you called me. I didn't ask "what's your diagnosis", I asked, "what's not working for you?"

Same with error messages... When I ask "what does the error message say", I don't want you to tell me what you think it means, I want you to *read* it to me.

The word of the day here has been "retarded".

[dario.livejournal.com]

Remote Desktop Faxing...never would have thought of that one!!

[loosechanj.livejournal.com]

Faxed. Scanned.

I was wondering how that happened. That'd make a killer visual style I think.

[twistedsyx.livejournal.com]

well my co worker sid_dslaci had to scan it so we could share it with you wonderful people.