(no subject)

[harmer.livejournal.com]

These are easy rules to follow that I wish I could read before troubleshooting with anyone.

1. Please for the love of god, DON'T tell me about the porn sites you go to when we're troubleshooting browsing issues. When I tell you it's okay, I don't want to know, replying with "Aw it's only softcore!" DOESN'T help.
2. Similarly, please don't describe to me every detail of the adult-related pop-ups you keep getting. I'm at work, I don't want to know where "the skinny blonde's" hand is.
3. Don't yell or whisper, "Shoot/darn/damn!" and when I ask you what's wrong, you reply, "nothing" and keep cursing.
4. When I ask for the MAC ID off your modem, asking me fifty million questions about it isn't necessary. Cable modems aren't that big, you don't need to know the exact corner it's going to be on; it should only take you 5 seconds to look the whole thing over. The only appropriate question is, "Which MAC do you want?"
5. Stop pronouncing things incorrectly after I tell you how they're pronounced...several times! Symantec is not "sim-in-tech," Linksys is not "link-sees" or "links" and ethernet is not "eh-thernet." (And to my mom's boyfriend, Vonage is not a French company and I laugh at you behind your back when you pronounce it like it is.)

And just because I'm feeling warm and fuzzy, please post 5 rules you wish you could tell every luser before doing anything else.

Comments

[usekh.livejournal.com]

1)Don't argue with me. You called ME for help. If you know better, go fix it yourself
2)I don't care how long it has been working perfectly. It isn't now.
3)Unless I say it is an outage you have a greater chance of winning the lottery than your problem being the ISP's fault.
4)I don't care what your friend/neighbour/workmate told you. If you think they are better than me, see 1
5)Don't threaten me with lawsuits. I laugh at you.

internal helpdesk hell

[dudeitsawesome.livejournal.com]

1. When you call because your password's been revoked, please know WHAT PASSWORD. Mainframe? Network? WHAT? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
2. Stop yelling, "I TRIED that!" over and over again. You obviously haven't tried that, because when I remote into your machine, it works fine for me..
3. When I say something's being worked on, trust me. We really DON'T want you to be unable to work all day because then you'll keep calling us.
4. Take notes. Write this stuff down. Stop calling us for the same problem four or five times a week. I'm sorry that you can't remember how to use this software from day to day. Maybe you should lay off the crack, too.
5. Quit apologizing for surfing the internet at work. I don't care. The company doesn't care. I'm sitting here with LJ and gmail open anyway.

This one's easy.

[jecook]

1. Reboot
2. Read the Fucking Manual/helpfile/web page telling you how to do it.
3. Reboot, Muthafucker!
4. pull the scrap of paper that has your password on it and READ THE THING.
5. REBOOT, DAMMIT!!!!

Re: This one's easy.

[astevenson.livejournal.com]

1. Reboot
2. Reboot
3. Reboot
4. Reboot
5. Reboot

Almost eveything else is lower on the list.

Re: This one's easy.

[usekh.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah. And DON'T LIE AND TELL ME YOU HAVE REBOOTED WHEN YOU HAVEN'T :)

Re: This one's easy.

[dudeitsawesome.livejournal.com]

hahaha, i hate that!

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

I once had someone who was convinced it was pronounced "Link-sigh."

[harmer.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha! WHY? Seriously, in any language is "sys" "sigh"? That is messed up! :D

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

That was the same cx who, after half an hour of troubleshooting, discovered that she did not, in fact, have a linksys PCMCIA wifi card.

She had a black piece of molded plastic that said "Dell" on it in her PCMCIA slot.

Grrrrrrrrr.

[kayfox.livejournal.com]

Just plastic?

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it wasn't a PCMCIA card at all. It was the plug that comes in the PCMCIA slot to keep dust and grime out.

*headdesk*x5

[plutherus.livejournal.com]

And it didn't connect her to the internets?? Obviously you're doing something wrong. Next, you'll be telling her she needs some kind of wireless router as well! Why can't you do your job! I want a real tech!

[harmer.livejournal.com]

LOL! Oh man.

[bynkii.livejournal.com]

1) Don't tell me what the problem is. You have no idea. It is neither physically, nor psychologically possible for you to know what the problem is. Just describe the symptoms clearly, concisely, and sans your acephalic opinions.

2) Yes, I did tell you the server would be down between 5 minutes and the end of time. It's my way of saying "I'm not going to give you a definite time until I'm very sure". Please note that "Very Sure" means something different to me, as my hero is Richard Feynman, and yours is Maury Povich.

3) If you allow me to perform dental surgery on you, then I'll give a rat's fuck what your dentist thinks.

4) Sunshine, I've forgotten more about Macs than you'll ever know.

5) I honestly don't care if you don't like it. Go bitch at someone who can change it. That someone is not me.

<3

[thebrainn8.livejournal.com]

I looooove your avatar. :D

Re: <3

[harmer.livejournal.com]

Haha, thanks. I actually considered that it was too non-techie to post with my entry, LOL, but I'm glad you mentioned it.

Re: <3

[ravenshrinkery.livejournal.com]

+1 to the avatar.

[usekh.livejournal.com]

I must remember 4. I am so sick of Mac customers with a chip on their shoulder demandng to speak to our "Mac qualified techs" or whatever...as in all the fucking callcentre? :P

[bynkii.livejournal.com]

I honestly don't know what is worse, Mac/Unix ignorant IT people or Mac fanatic users. It's that whole "two-sides of the same coin" thing

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

well, honestly before Macs became so goddamn popular, it actually was an issue. I'm too young to have called support before the explosion in popularity, but I have all the old MacAddicts that talked about ISP Mac-friendliness as if it was unusual to have a tech who knew the OS.

I could be wrong, but I don't think I am.

[usekh.livejournal.com]

They are about 5% of the market, so not really all that popular even now. I have never had one but every ISP I have worked for we had a mac test machine and training on them.

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

it used to be ... at one time I was one of the like 2 techs in a callcenter of 75 or so that knew macs.

So I got to be a "level 2" tech ... so raise, mind, but a title. Thanks, but titles don't pay the bills, do they?

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

it just meant you got to deal with the assholes who demanded to speak to a higher-up?

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

pretty much. I also got to talk to Mac customers as well as PC customers. Whoopie!

[ravenshrinkery.livejournal.com]

These are the advanced rules. Once the basics have been done (which ya'll know how to put in such lovely ways), then these ones come in.

1. Tell me exactly what is going on. Not the version that makes you look good, the version that is going to get the problem solved. Even if this makes you look like an ass and should get you fired, I'm often willing to ignore this if it means solving the problem in five minutes instead of an hour or more.

2. Ignore no small detail unless I've told you to. Sometimes what you think is insignificant is not. You are my eyes, ears, and hands on that piece of equipment. The better I can make use of what you've got the faster the job will get done.

3. Obey my instructions to the letter. If I didn't tell you to do it don't do it. If I told you to do something do it exactly as I instructed you to do it. Don't make shit up along the way. If there's something you think I should know before doing something refer to rules #1 and #2.

4. Unlike a large number of people in IT, I am willing to accept there must be something that you are good at that is related to the business my company engages in. In exchange for that, you must be willing to accept that this company hires me because I am good at what I do - fixing the problems within the Scope of Support outlined in my job description. If it's not there and you have a valid business reason for it to be fixed, I will do my best to help you because we have a business to run, although I may want somebody to substantiate that for the sake of the long list of other things I hvae to get done. I'm not unsympathetic to your actual job NEEDS, but try for once in your life to understand things from the other point of view. BEFORE you call me.

5. Stay on topic with one request at a time. Tell me about your broken printer, software applications, and your subordinate's login at the beginning, but once we have that, let's do one thing at a time, and then we'll confirm you're taken care of. Expect that we will ticket each one seperately so that we have a log of all the work we've done. Again, consult previous rules and this will go as painless as possible.

Once you've got the hang of these rules, you will be an expert luser and able to work with your IT department effectively.

[malgrep.livejournal.com]

I just put tell them "I am going to put you on hold, but while you wait you might want to read the free novel that came with your PC. It is an engaging story about a man named Manual."

[quinn222.livejournal.com]

#1- Don't click on anything unless I tell you to.
#2- Don't type anything unless I tell you to.
#3- Don't call me unless you are in front of the thing you are calling me about and the thing you are calling me about is turned on.
#4- I don't care how it worked up north so don't tell me about it.
#5- No, we don't support products we don't provide. Don't call me about them.

[tecie.livejournal.com]

#1 Give me the information I asked for. Immediately.
#2 Don't lie. If you don't know something, then look it up.
#3 Do not try to hack my systems.
#4 Use the tools I tell you to use. If I say "putty" and "firefox", then I don't really mean "Grandma's olde tyme SSH client" and "Internet Explorer".
#5 COMMUNICATE, dammit. Chances are I didn't get the memo.

[xforge.livejournal.com]

1. If you've tried typing your password 12 times with what sounds over the phone like the flats of your palms and a two by four, maybe just once try it with your two index fingers, SLOWLY, and see if that does the trick. Mmkay?

2. Know how to describe a problem. "My printer prints only blank pages" is not the same as "Nothing comes out when I print from this one specific application."

3. a. Is it plugged in? b. Is it turned on? c. Is it connected to the computer?

4. I've already told you this problem is only happening to YOU. Don't try to tell my superiors that the "entire department is unable to send email" because, when asked, I will tell them you are utterly full of shit, and they will believe me, because they know you are a f*cking dumbass.

5. You call my desk, you'll probably get my voicemail, and I might just be so busy I'll ignore it. You call the Helpdesk, they'll generate a ticket on it and then I *have to* respond or my boss will ask me why I haven't. Got it?

[captpackrat.livejournal.com]

1. Yes, you did change something. Don't tell me you didn't.

2. If the program is misbehaving, reboot and try again before you come whingeing to me.

3. I have 23 years of computer experience. You have trouble using Outlook. When I recommend buying a specific model and configuration of computer for a specific purpose, don't hop on the Internet and order something else because it's cheaper.

4. No, I can't diagnose the problem with your VPN connection if you're leeching off you next door neighbor's wireless access point.

5. No, I will not fix your home computer on company time. If you want me to work on it, I charge $100 an hour, 1 hour minimum. And for the love of God, CLEAN THE DAMN THING before you bring it to me!

[jon787.livejournal.com]

1. Do NOT tell me your password out loud

2. Do NOT leave your password written on a sticky note on my desk

3. Do NOT email me your password

4. Do NOT leave your password in my voicemail

5. "Shut up and reboot." -Dogbert

[harmer.livejournal.com]

I have that "shut up and reboot" comic in my cubicle, haha!

[kayfox.livejournal.com]

1. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
2. Are you sure its plugged in?
3. Are you absolutely sure you havent changed any settings. (with some electroshock if they lie)
4. Do you even have the device with you?
5. Are you **sure** its plugged in?

[billysapphire.livejournal.com]

1. If English is not your native tongue, SLOW DOWN when you talk because understanding your thick accent is not easy

2. If English is not your native language do not get mad at me because you cannot understand what I am telling you. This falls under your problem, not mine. If you speak Arabic and your laptop is from Africa and is in Portugese, I am not going to be able to interpret for you in any possible way.

3. Just because the thing "works in all kinds of hotels all the time" does not make it our equipment. 9 times out of 10, you have some stupid setting that needs to be changed for THIS network that you are connecting to. Contrary to what you think...the world is NOT one big compatible network.

4. Wireless connectivity is like your cellphone. Sometimes it works great and sometimes it doesn't Remember, you are in a building and generally there are walls between access points so there might be some times when your weak little plug in wireless B adapter might not be able to see the network.

5. I don't care if you are a PhD, I will tell you callback later if you attempt to jump ahead of what I am telling you to do. They monitor my time and calls, I am not waiting for your Pentium laptop running Windows ME to reboot!

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

OK, I got bored and analysed the last two thousand corporate tickets I created, looking for patterns.

My rules would now appear to be:

1) If you are not an office tech or an office manager, hang the fuck up right now and go talk to your office tech or manager. There is ONE (1) of us per THOUSAND of you when we are ALL on the phones and not answering email or handling red tape. Fully forty-three percent of our incoming calls could have been solved by the local staff, and often can ONLY be solved by the local staff. I know that some fuckstain put a huge orange sticker with our phone number on every PC in the organisation, but that does not mean you should call us for every goddamn thing and wait on the phone for thirty minutes, only to be told that you need to talk to the person sitting at the desk across from you. And don't get pissed at me when I tell you that, either.

2) I realise that this is the eight hundredth time you've called about this ancient software problem, which the developers have once again declined to fix despite the fact it would take three minutes' work and save the Helpdesk... (counts)... five hundred calls per week. Trust me, you are not the only one calling about it. Please, for the love of my sanity, have your manager send a foaming rant up to the developers. I HAVE NO POWER TO FIX THIS. This is twenty-two percent of our incoming calls.

3) Yes, our incoming IVR's scripts were created by shroom-brained monkeys on crack. I have been trying to have this addressed for over two years now. Please do not bitch at me because it asked you to choose between "The option", "the other option", and "Hail Satan". Bitch at your manager and have your manager complain to the telephone people. You think I *like* having to spend three minutes writing yet another ticket which boils down to "The IVR fucked up again"? This makes up fourteen percent of our incoming calls. It's insane.

4) Yes, I know it's stupid that you have to call us every single time you want to make a particular administrative change. We hate it too. And if the tards sitting in front of you in the phone queue had just checked with their local management before calling, you wouldn't have had to wait half an hour. To prevent this problem in the future, please kill everyone at your office.

5) Fuck you; reboot.

[megpie71.livejournal.com]

My statement of position as a helldesk tech:

You have phoned me for help. In order to ensure that I can help you resolve this problem in the shortest possible time, and also in the most comprehensive manner, so that it *stays* solved, please note the following:

1) I am the one with the tools, the training, and the knowledge base. You are the one with the PC problem. Keep these roles straight in your head.
2) If I give instructions, I expect you to follow them.
3) Yes, I am sure.
4) Yes, I do want you to do that now.
5) I don't give a flying fsck at a rolling doughnut if everyone else in the office does it differently. I am telling you to do it that way, so damn well do it that way, and you won't have the fecking problem again. See rule 1.

[supportbitch.livejournal.com]

01. I am a real tech. Boobies are +10 for getting free b33r, not -10 intellegence.
02. It's not a bug.
03. Stop downloading binaries with IE. It corrupts them...and WHY THE HELL are you using IE to download Linux?
04. Yeah, that isn't a bug either.
05. You don't want to talk to my manager. Seriosuly...he is making fun of your in our IRC chatroom, making snide comments in the tickets, and generally impeeding your path to assitance for being nasty to one of his techs.

5 rules

[plutherus.livejournal.com]

I can only think of one:

Shut the fuck up and do what I tell you!

Oh, and I suppose:
Don't do ANYTHING I didn't tell you to do.

[harry-whodunnit.livejournal.com]

1) Answer the fucking question.
2) Answer the fucking question with the fucking answer.
3) Keep a sense of perspective. On a day when the print server and firewall have gone down, arranging your email by subject instead of date is not vitally important to the organisation, even if it would help you to 'work more efficiently'.
4) Occasionally I'm going to ask you to think with your brain instead of mine. There's no getting around it, and trying just wastes both our time.
5) Reboot before you call me.

[knittinggoddess.livejournal.com]

1. It's okay to not know how to use something. But that doesn't give you license to throw files away and kill apps in Process Viewer willy-nilly. Cause and effect, people.

2. When the Finder asks for your password, it wants your name and password for your own computer. When Kerberos asks for your password, use your system login for the network. Alternately, when I tell you which one to enter, actually enter it. Guessing wastes time.

3. Please please please please don't work directly off of the home server. You'll corrupt your file and increase the chances of the server crashing, thus fucking everyone over.

4. Write down the error message. We can't help you if we're just going off of "it gave me an error."

5. Just because I'm a student doesn't mean I can't help you. It's insulting and frustrating when you pass me over to interrupt my boss, who is working on things more complicated than your desire for a new mailing list. Hey! I can make that for you.

[katyism.livejournal.com]

1. Don't interrupt me unless you enjoy being asked to repeat yourself to the point of frustration.
2. You're not getting ANYWHERE until I confirm your username.
3. Learn the concept of the phonetic alphabet. If needed, hang up, learn it now, and call back. I don't care which one you use as long as it's not the one with "J as in Peter..."
4. You have to say "bye" before I can hang up. I'm not trying to make small talk with you. I'm trying to get you to say goodbye and hang up. Thanks.
5. RTFM.

[bard-mercutio.livejournal.com]

1. Don't have your secretary/tech/son/significant other call me. Especially if they know nothing about your problem/computer/software.
2. Putting me on hold so you can take other calls? Rude. TECH SMASH!
3. When I ask you what you see? "Nothing" is not an acceptable answer.
4. Read what's on the screen, not what the voices in your head are telling you. Or I notify your boss that you're functionally illiterate.
5. If you're calling tech support, the customer is NOT always right. You wouldn't be calling me if everything was all right, now would you?

[network-nerd.livejournal.com]

1. Don't tell me "It gives me an error". Tell me *WHAT* error it gives.

2. If we schedule a time for me to come and see you, be there. If some emergency comes up, call and cancel. If you just blow me off, guess what priority your future tickets will get?

3. Don't call to scream about why you're still having that problem after all these months. *WE* thought it was fixed all those months ago; we haven't cone anything further on it because you didn't let us know it needed any more work.

4. The BlueSocket box is not named "Blue Sprocket", no matter how many times you pronounce it that way.

5. What part of the Acceptable Use Policy do you need read to you in pig-latin before you'll begin to grasp that what you're doing is interfering with a couple thousand other users' needs?