When calling ISP technical support
Jan. 19th, 2005 01:19 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
taleya.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
techrecoveryPlease remember the following:
-- Do not argue with me. Don't. Ever. You're the one who's called for help because you can't get it working. I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. You do NOT, or you would have fixed it your damned self. Shut up, sit down, and be a goddamn automaton for the rest of this call.
-- Yes. I do need your goddamn computer to be turned on, and you to be in the same fucking room as it.
-- Saying "I cannot connect" is not good enough. Saying this will simply lower you even further in my eyes and resulting in me asking for the three digit error code. If you cannot supply this code (failing RAS errors that don't have one, o'course) will merely result in me saying "There's around 10,000 errors that could stop you connecting, without that error code, we can't work out what's wrong and fix it. Try connecting again and leaving that error up on the screen so we know what we're dealing with" *terminate call*
-- You call me on a speakerphone because you need both hands to play with yourself, and again, you're gonna get a Taleya Special Canned Bullshit Meal. "I'm sorry, speakerphones create feedback on our headsets. If you're unable to use a handset, I will have to terminate this call"
-- Swearing is acceptable. I do it all the fucking time. Make it personal, and the fun will begin. I know your date of birth, where you live, and your credit card number. On TOP of controlling your internet connection. Is this really the sort of person you want to piss off?
-- Addendum to the above - Do not swear at me in another language. I'm fluent in three languages, and know enough others to be quite aware of when you're pissing on me. Yes, this includes Chinese. I know what a Gwailo is, fucker. and I ain't happy hearing it. Qu si ba, motherfucker.
-- I am not accounts. I don't give a shit about accounts. You want the truth? I'm a network support rep who's just helping out the graveyard helpdesk guys when the morning calls overflow because you're too stupid to understand the IVR saying we're not open for another 4 hours. Quite frankly, I'm not monitored, I'm not statted, and I don't give a shit. Piss off and die.
-- Yes, I am female. And golly gee. I am a tech! Missing a penis does not make me a receptionist, you mysogonystic fuck.
-- Do NOT I repeat, do NOT call me on a fucking mobile phone when you have a speaker system that picks up feeback from the signal. I do not need to fucking hear that, AND you screaming over the top of it. Turn your speakers off, or get a goddamn land line. There are Occupational Health and Safety laws down here that mean I can hang up on your dumb arse and not get a single reprimand.
-- There is a difference between "Unable to connect" and "unable to browse" . Learn it.
-- Learn how to spell Ping, dumbass. And it's GOOGLE. G-O-O-G-L-E. It's only the biggest fucking search engine on the planet, you should know what the hell it is.
-- Don't call me from a shitty cordless phone that creates a veritable tsunami of static every time you stop to scratch your hairy caveman arse.
-- Lightning go boom! And no, a $5 surge protector from K-Mart will not protect your modem from it.
-- Never. Ever. EVER try to connect when I'm fucking talking to you on the phone line. EVER. You know enough to say you can't connect while we're using it, but you'll still give me an earful of fucking bleeps, won't you?
/end rant
:P
-- Do not argue with me. Don't. Ever. You're the one who's called for help because you can't get it working. I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. You do NOT, or you would have fixed it your damned self. Shut up, sit down, and be a goddamn automaton for the rest of this call.
-- Yes. I do need your goddamn computer to be turned on, and you to be in the same fucking room as it.
-- Saying "I cannot connect" is not good enough. Saying this will simply lower you even further in my eyes and resulting in me asking for the three digit error code. If you cannot supply this code (failing RAS errors that don't have one, o'course) will merely result in me saying "There's around 10,000 errors that could stop you connecting, without that error code, we can't work out what's wrong and fix it. Try connecting again and leaving that error up on the screen so we know what we're dealing with" *terminate call*
-- You call me on a speakerphone because you need both hands to play with yourself, and again, you're gonna get a Taleya Special Canned Bullshit Meal. "I'm sorry, speakerphones create feedback on our headsets. If you're unable to use a handset, I will have to terminate this call"
-- Swearing is acceptable. I do it all the fucking time. Make it personal, and the fun will begin. I know your date of birth, where you live, and your credit card number. On TOP of controlling your internet connection. Is this really the sort of person you want to piss off?
-- Addendum to the above - Do not swear at me in another language. I'm fluent in three languages, and know enough others to be quite aware of when you're pissing on me. Yes, this includes Chinese. I know what a Gwailo is, fucker. and I ain't happy hearing it. Qu si ba, motherfucker.
-- I am not accounts. I don't give a shit about accounts. You want the truth? I'm a network support rep who's just helping out the graveyard helpdesk guys when the morning calls overflow because you're too stupid to understand the IVR saying we're not open for another 4 hours. Quite frankly, I'm not monitored, I'm not statted, and I don't give a shit. Piss off and die.
-- Yes, I am female. And golly gee. I am a tech! Missing a penis does not make me a receptionist, you mysogonystic fuck.
-- Do NOT I repeat, do NOT call me on a fucking mobile phone when you have a speaker system that picks up feeback from the signal. I do not need to fucking hear that, AND you screaming over the top of it. Turn your speakers off, or get a goddamn land line. There are Occupational Health and Safety laws down here that mean I can hang up on your dumb arse and not get a single reprimand.
-- There is a difference between "Unable to connect" and "unable to browse" . Learn it.
-- Learn how to spell Ping, dumbass. And it's GOOGLE. G-O-O-G-L-E. It's only the biggest fucking search engine on the planet, you should know what the hell it is.
-- Don't call me from a shitty cordless phone that creates a veritable tsunami of static every time you stop to scratch your hairy caveman arse.
-- Lightning go boom! And no, a $5 surge protector from K-Mart will not protect your modem from it.
-- Never. Ever. EVER try to connect when I'm fucking talking to you on the phone line. EVER. You know enough to say you can't connect while we're using it, but you'll still give me an earful of fucking bleeps, won't you?
/end rant
:P
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no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 06:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 06:14 pm (UTC)Hear, hear! Brava, the whole thing was a wonderful read :)
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Date: 2005-01-18 06:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 06:39 pm (UTC)Preach on Sister!
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Date: 2005-01-18 07:33 pm (UTC)I second your tech wisdom. I get these screwballs all the time in my profession (network admin) but I used to work in tech support and wondered about these people.
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Date: 2005-01-18 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 09:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 02:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 07:34 pm (UTC)God, how I wish I could say that.
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Date: 2005-01-18 08:04 pm (UTC)That brings me back to my isp support days.......
If anyone needs me I will be in the other room rocking back and forth, sucking my thumb all the while chanting "Thank you for calling technical support".
I need a drink.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 09:29 pm (UTC)A subset, I can't remember if telstra only (used to work for 'em) or law was that if had been on the receiving end of a noise loud enough to cause pain (even if it's just ARGFH! shuddup!) meant an acoustic incident had to be filled out, and you took time off the phones.
I'm kinda half-assed supervisor on Graveyard on weekends (well, most senior in position and time at company) so I stick to this. The guys can hang up on that shit, and I'll make them take a break from the phones, (and fill in to keep management happy) Mostly because I take care of "my boys", but also because I just *know* if someone ends up deaf, they'll try and make me pay for it (despite not being legitimised in any way shape or form as having any sort of authority over anyoner)
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Date: 2005-01-18 11:35 pm (UTC)DodoboyWhat is it with all the techs I know posting rants to
no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 02:02 pm (UTC)'cos our customers are fucking morons?
Ahh, Summer. It brings them out in droves.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 09:24 pm (UTC)missing a penis? I guess you could miss it like an old friend, or miss it like Bobbit. or ... oh.. *blink* *blink* never have one to start with and never need one. Y chromosomes. Why do they always come in pairs?
Good rant. It relieved the tension I'd built up smacking up a new switch which was not playing happily with the rest of my network.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 09:37 pm (UTC)Pedant :P
*and icon love for the Oro*
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Date: 2005-01-18 09:49 pm (UTC)the 'oro' is my normal state .... sometimes I swing into 剣心’s slice and dice mode too. Although I'm not allowed to at work, *sigh*.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 10:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 10:11 pm (UTC)Himura Kenshin. Or Shinta. Depends on how much you've seen....
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Date: 2005-01-18 10:12 pm (UTC)Favorite TS quote #5: "OK, please read the error off the screen to me. Could you bring the error up again, and read it off the screen to me. Yes, I'll need you to read the error off the screen to me..."
(Repeat with variations until caller is stunned into action.)
no subject
All my thinking takes place in that organ though . . . So how could you possibly do tech support without one? ;-)
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Date: 2005-01-18 11:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 12:10 am (UTC)bloody lateshift...
btw i posted a similar rant here a while ago, and one of your points made me think of it...enjoy... (http://www.livejournal.com/users/twitchfetish/154799.html)
IV
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Date: 2005-01-19 12:11 am (UTC)IV
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Date: 2005-01-19 02:02 pm (UTC)I feel no shame, nor need to excuse my musical tastes in any way shape or form whatsoever.
My ears! Mine!
no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 04:38 pm (UTC)and they're only your ears while they're attached to your body...*evil grin*
IV
no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 05:15 pm (UTC):P
I just happen to like APB as well
no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 05:26 pm (UTC)as long as you're not a Wolfsheim fan :)
ps if you havent already try Stromkern, Lights of Euphoria and Le Syndicat...
IV
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Date: 2005-01-19 10:33 pm (UTC)*also likes wumpscut, die form, Sirenia (now tristania) Therion, Nighwish, Stratovarius, Queensryche, Finntroll, Iced Earth, Dream theatre, Pet shop boys, Pulp, Icehouse, depeche mode, Madness, cruxshadows....among others. Getting an idea of how eclectic my tastes are yet? :P*
no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 11:13 pm (UTC):P
(oh yeah, you don't know my journal. i pay out goths all the time, even though i'm almost one.)
my list: i don't like powermetal, so a lot of those wont be there, but i love Space Dye Vest by Dream Theatre. one of the most beautiful songs in history.
also: :W:, VAC, Stromkern, Institute for the Criminally Insane, VNV, Le Syndicat, Skinny Puppy, Metallica, Blood Duster, Morbid Angel, Arch Enemy, Icehouse (my secret shame!), Crowded House, Jewel, Alanis Morissette, George, VAST, various classical, BB King, Robbie Williams, Bowie, Diary of Dreams, Celldweller/Circle of Dust, various local bands (including my own :P), Scanner, Recoil, Rotterdam Terror Corps, Headbanger, Infected Mushroom, Radiohead, Placebo (mmm...Brian), Muse and more others than i can list here without getting permanent RSI :P
eclectic you say?
oh, and Wolfsheim suck coz they do. The only good Wolfsheim song is Sleep Somehow, and the only good Apop track is the VNV remix of Kathy's Song.
so there!
IV
The Music Police.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-20 01:48 am (UTC)And no shame for icehouse - Wind and Sail is forever embedded amongst my favourite tracks (well that and Jericho bay....shit, anything off Code Blue, really)
Good wolfsheim songs (well my faves) Heroin she said, tender days :P And I love what APB did to Fade to Black :D
Bar the Jewel and Alanis Morissette, you sound like you've got a music collection I would be delighted to completely and utterly arserape. We should bang MP3 dirs sometime... (*cough* I run an fserve *cough*)
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Date: 2005-01-20 02:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-20 02:19 am (UTC)/three amigos
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Date: 2005-01-20 04:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-20 05:38 pm (UTC):D
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Date: 2005-01-22 07:13 am (UTC)Lucky Anna.
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Date: 2005-01-20 05:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-20 04:46 pm (UTC)and yes, APB did a good job with Fade to Black, but considering it's one of my fave Metallica songs ever, i have a hard time respecting it...
oh, 2 bands i forgot to mention, even though they're 2 of my favourite ever - Slipknot and Mudvayne.
IV
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Date: 2005-01-20 01:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-20 04:47 pm (UTC)of course i don't mind.
i'm a social slut :P
IV
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Date: 2005-01-20 05:46 pm (UTC)I can solve just about any problem on the phone (or online) and when I can't I just refer them over to someone who knows. Or who -think- he knows. At least that gets them off my arse. >_>