techrecovery | When calling ISP technical support (Reply)

Please remember the following:

-- Do not argue with me. Don't. Ever. You're the one who's called for help because you can't get it working. I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. You do NOT, or you would have fixed it your damned self. Shut up, sit down, and be a goddamn automaton for the rest of this call.

-- Yes. I do need your goddamn computer to be turned on, and you to be in the same fucking room as it.

-- Saying "I cannot connect" is not good enough. Saying this will simply lower you even further in my eyes and resulting in me asking for the three digit error code. If you cannot supply this code (failing RAS errors that don't have one, o'course) will merely result in me saying "There's around 10,000 errors that could stop you connecting, without that error code, we can't work out what's wrong and fix it. Try connecting again and leaving that error up on the screen so we know what we're dealing with" *terminate call*

-- You call me on a speakerphone because you need both hands to play with yourself, and again, you're gonna get a Taleya Special Canned Bullshit Meal. "I'm sorry, speakerphones create feedback on our headsets. If you're unable to use a handset, I will have to terminate this call"

-- Swearing is acceptable. I do it all the fucking time. Make it personal, and the fun will begin. I know your date of birth, where you live, and your credit card number. On TOP of controlling your internet connection. Is this really the sort of person you want to piss off?

-- Addendum to the above - Do not swear at me in another language. I'm fluent in three languages, and know enough others to be quite aware of when you're pissing on me. Yes, this includes Chinese. I know what a Gwailo is, fucker. and I ain't happy hearing it. Qu si ba, motherfucker.

-- I am not accounts. I don't give a shit about accounts. You want the truth? I'm a network support rep who's just helping out the graveyard helpdesk guys when the morning calls overflow because you're too stupid to understand the IVR saying we're not open for another 4 hours. Quite frankly, I'm not monitored, I'm not statted, and I don't give a shit. Piss off and die.

-- Yes, I am female. And golly gee. I am a tech! Missing a penis does not make me a receptionist, you mysogonystic fuck.

-- Do NOT I repeat, do NOT call me on a fucking mobile phone when you have a speaker system that picks up feeback from the signal. I do not need to fucking hear that, AND you screaming over the top of it. Turn your speakers off, or get a goddamn land line. There are Occupational Health and Safety laws down here that mean I can hang up on your dumb arse and not get a single reprimand.

-- There is a difference between "Unable to connect" and "unable to browse" . Learn it.

-- Learn how to spell Ping, dumbass. And it's GOOGLE. G-O-O-G-L-E. It's only the biggest fucking search engine on the planet, you should know what the hell it is.

-- Don't call me from a shitty cordless phone that creates a veritable tsunami of static every time you stop to scratch your hairy caveman arse.

-- Lightning go boom! And no, a $5 surge protector from K-Mart will not protect your modem from it.

-- Never. Ever. EVER try to connect when I'm fucking talking to you on the phone line. EVER. You know enough to say you can't connect while we're using it, but you'll still give me an earful of fucking bleeps, won't you?

/end rant

:P