here you go guys! hope you liked the last ones, cause i got bunches more...

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

here we go again fellers!!!
xposted from old posts in my own journal, here we have REAL, LIVE, UNEDITED (except to remove identifying information) INTERNET TECH SUPPORT CALLS!

---

THIS is one of those calls i HAD to record at the very first sentance that was spoken.
here is EXACTLY what happened just before i hit "RECORD".

me : "tech support, how can i help you?"
him : "How can i get to my Start Menu?"
me : silence....... "can you hold on for just one minute?"
him : "oh, okay"
me : put's him on hold, hits RECORD, takes sip of coffee, takes deep breath, goes back to call

HEAR THE REST OF THIS REAL, UNEDITED TECH SUPPORT CALL!
then with a GLEAM IN MY EYE and a BROAD smile on my face i ask "ookay... what was your question again?" and say it NICE AND LOUD for me, that's a good boy.
you can hear me typing during this, dont remember what i was doing...
(btw, i know EXACTLY how to keep msn from starting up at start up, but the process, if messenger is not in the startup folder (and sometimes even if it is), involves editing the registry, and like HELL am i even attempting to walk anyone through THAT. that does NOT fall under my roll of "internet" tech support anyhow. i actually didn't have to take this call at all, this one was purely for my, and your, enjoyment)

valis
fast becoming the BOFH

---

click HERE to listen to the latest REAL TECH SUPPORT CALL!!

what can we learn from this tech support call?

• THIS is why the simplest of things take absolutely forever


• you can NOT have windows 98 AND windows ME AT THE SAME TIME.


• the speed of the internet has NO BEARING WHATSOEVER on the speed of your computer, ESPECIALLY if you aren't even CONNECTED to the internet


• "my daughters picture" is NOT a valid answer to the question "what do you see on the screen?"


• sometimes, valis feels it's necessary to say "you'll have to hang up with me, but DONT DO THAT YET..."


• THESE are the calls that have me ready to do harm to small furry creatures.


• if you take 5 minutes to click on three things, something a normal person can do in roughly 4 seconds, the tech support person will hate you. no if's ands or but's.

memorable valis lines from this call:

• now, you'll have to TELL ME after you finish each of these little tasks so that i'll know that you're done.


• i'm not familiar with ANY TYPE of error message that is going to tell you that.


• it can only be ONE OR THE OTHER, either win98, or winme


• me : is the computer finished rebooting? them : huh? me : is the computer TURNED ON?

there you have it kiddies, your tech support zen of the day.
and you some of you thought YOU were computer illiterate... i beg to differ...

---

ENJOY!!!!

valis
http://www.valis.info
http://www.valis.biz

Comments

[c0c0c0.livejournal.com]

Ya, just delete the folder. That will work.

I have had this computer 3 years and it ain't ever give me a lick of trouble. Well except for that one time when...

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

that would mean guiding him through windows explorer.... AUGH, would have added another 20 mins to the call...

[c0c0c0.livejournal.com]

I can see him deleting the msn messanger folder and then restarting the computer and getting file not found errors. He is going to be one of those people who will start scanning through his c:/ and randomly deleting "un needed" files rending it useless.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

i had one of those... and i recorded it!

:)

[azmodai.livejournal.com]

Having the audio copies of these calls is brilliant, It only makes me cringe to hear the kind of people that you have to put up with.

If anybody I heard on the phone sounded that dopey, I would probably scream.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

the phone doesn't record when i hit the mute button to yell out various profanities ;)

[azmodai.livejournal.com]

no suprise there. The amount of times my monitor has recieved my blistering words due to customers without the slightest of nuerons in their gray matter working, is entirely astounding.

even without the running commentary that I am sure was included, the recordings are still amusing.

[obsidiansaturn.livejournal.com]

wow ^^ looks like you had fun hehehh I couldn't resist in listening to your calls.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

:)

[tsutton.livejournal.com]

Pardon me for asking, but... is there any chance for someone (or you) to translate it to text? I'm deaf, so obviously I can't hear the file.

Thank you.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

i have a couple translated already, i'll post those later!

I'll do the first one, because it's shorter

[200iso.livejournal.com]

tech: oh...kay, what was your question again?
cust: how can i git to my start menu?
tech: on what operating system?
cust: xp.
*typing*
tech: well, do you have a start button?
cust: yeah.
tech: generally to get to the start menu one would click the start button.
cust: i'm sayin'. how can i git to the menu, i mean, you know, to tell what want on what i what i want off?
tech: ah....what you want on and what you want off of what?
cust: yeah, i got ms messager on there and i don't want it on there.
tech: ah, you want...click on, click on start button.
cust: alright.
tech: and go to control panel.
cust: ohhh...kay. sir?
*typing*
tech: and does it say switch to category view or switch to classic view, on the left there?
cust: ahhh...switch to category.
tech: do you see an icon on the right that says "add and remove programs?"
cust: ahh yeah. click on it?
tech: uh huh.
*typing*
cust: alright. alright. go on in here to find msn messenger.
tech: exactly. then hit...yuh...and remove it.
cust: i ain't see in in there. *long pause* it's not in here. immedic match jukebox.
tech: they generally are in alphabetical order.
cust: say what?
tech: they're generally in alphabetical order sir.
cust: i know. my dvd and music match jukebox is all i got in here.
tech: umm hmm...are you trying to keep it from running?
cust: i'm trying to keep it from keep coming up on my toolbar. a guy had me, like earlier do it, and i had to reformat because i got bit by a worm.
tech: i see. well, i'm not actually quite sure how to keep if from starting up at start up. what you may want to do is check the msn messenger website for information on how to remove it.
cust: so there ain't no other way you...could i go an search by find files and remove ms messenger?
tech: yeah you can try it that way.
cust: ok thank you.
tech: good luck.

Re: I'll do the first one, because it's shorter

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

hehehe, thanks, nice how you got his accent in there

Re: I'll do the first one, because it's shorter

[200iso.livejournal.com]

:)

how do you record your calls, btw?
and...couldn't you get fired for this?

Re: I'll do the first one, because it's shorter

[tsutton.livejournal.com]

Haha. thanks!

[inahandbasket]

man, I appreciate all the work you go through posting these, but the last thing I want to do at work is listen to someone elses tech support calls, I have to deal with enough of them live.
;o)

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

;)

[boredevilperson.livejournal.com]

I liked the second one.

"Okay sir . . . Every time you're finished with these little tasks you do need to tell me . . ." lol

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

i try so hard to NOT talk down to them... i REALLY REALLY do...

[boredevilperson.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it's just not possible to say what you need to say without talking down to them.

[drnazo.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I'm baffled that people actually speak like that. There's so many things in that recording that pisses me off about the stupidity of tech support clients that I won't list them all. One of my greatest pet peeves is when somebody says, "I've been trying to get on the computer for hours." when by computer they mean internet and they are sitting in front of their damn computer right now.

We as technicians should be able to be smart asses to them when they turn into dumb asses. Seems like the right balance.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

Technical Support: You have dumbass questions, we have smartass answers

I NEED to put that on a shirt...

[terata.livejournal.com]

Why would you even remotly consider advertising your webpage and services after posting somthing like this? Its not good business practice, and shows your obvious lack of morals. Posting simple text about a call is one thing, but taking recordings is somthing VERY different.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

http://www.valiskeogh.com

[boredevilperson.livejournal.com]

I think it's technically okay if you have a disclaimer at the start of the call that says "calls can be monitored for training purposes"

You could say this is preparing future techs for what they may be getting into so therefore qualifies as training. ;-)

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY!

and yes, there is such a disclaimer

[boredevilperson.livejournal.com]

Either way in all seriousness I don't think I'd call tech support if I thought that my call would be spread around the internet . . . But that's just me.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

well if you called and said
"yeah, i need to get my mailserver names, dns addy's, and ip address please"
"sure thing, they are yadda yadda, and yadda, and yadda yadda, know where to put that info?"
"yup, thanks!"
"thank you!"

you woudln't end up here
i LOVE those calls, they make me all warm and squishy.

however, if you call up and say "how do i get to my start menu" , then BINGO!!!

so, which are ya?

[boredevilperson.livejournal.com]

LOL The former ;-)

Of course that doesn't mean I don't have my fun

See here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/techsupport/303496.html) I'm not sure someone would want that on a recording however. Break the speakers.

I'm also the guy who'll call up "OH GOD I'M STUPID! REALLY I DO THIS FOR A LIVING! I KNOW TO CHECK THAT I CAN'T BELIEVE MYSELF! OH GEEZ!!!" ;-)

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

LOL

[terata.livejournal.com]

Training and publicly posting are two very different things.

oh my

[belovedcrown.livejournal.com]

completely unrelated, but you have the sexiest voice. ;)

Re: oh my

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

why thank you!

[speccy.livejournal.com]

No offence, but if you were talking to one of our customers and said what you said with the MSN messenger thing, well - I guess we wouldn't have been very happy at all.

The customer clearly doesn't know much about computers, but that's fine. I mean, I don't know much about finance, so if I had money to invest (haha), I'd have to ask someone else about it. I'd hope the person I asked wouldn't think I was a somehow 'stupid' simply because I didn't know about investing. Ignorant, for sure, but not stupid. Everyone is ignorant, to some degree.

Also, one can instruct MSN not to load on startup, even if it isn't loading with an icon in one of the Startup menu groups. (which I've never seen btw, unless of course someone deliberately put an icon in there, but then again, I'm not a huge windows user)



And it doesn't involve the registry either. If the user can get the Add/Remove Program applet, they can probably get to this checkbox too.