Dear Local Printer Entitlement Tool

[ptstech.livejournal.com]

1.  As a matter of fact, It wasn't my decision to discontinue local printers for all but a select few. (I did, however, agree with it wholeheartedly)
2.  No, I cannot troubleshoot your local printer now that it has died, as I was instructed to simply pick it up and map you to the nearest networked multifunction unit.
3.  No, I don't know how much color printing you do. (but I bet your boss does, since his tally of the toner costs contributed to the decision made in #1 above)
4.  No, I cannot simply order another printer, or toner, or "whatever's gone wrong with it."  See #2 above.
5.  No, I don't have the super secret, IT-only stash.  I do LESS printing than anyone here, mainly because I can, you know, open documents ON MY BLOODY SCREEN AND READ THEM!
6.  Finally, it doesn't matter how they did it at your last job - you're not there, a fact for which I suspect they are eternally grateful.

Go get a cheese wheel to go with all that whine and GO AWAY.

Wishing you a visit from the Flaming Orbital Anvil of Death,
Me

Dear idiot end user.

[darkrose.livejournal.com]

Dear Idiot End User,

To answer your question, yes I think you are stupid. Apparently, you are incapable of following step-by-step instructions to open a ticket and provide the necessary information for me to help you.

No, I won't provide you with a reg key for the software you're trying to use -- it was discontinued 5 years ago and support was pulled for it after ample warning (eg: 5 or 6 e-mail messages to all users of the product). You were told it won't work with Windows XP SP2, so you can forget about SP3 or Vista. You were told the reason the software was pulled was because there are better quality 100% FREE products available, and we as a business have moved in a different direction.

No, you can't talk to a supervisor, because I *AM* as high as you're going to go.

You see, I wield lots of power in this organization. I can generate you a registration key because I am just that awesome. But when you don't follow my instructions and then have the gall to get angry when I tell you to fuck off (in the nicest, customer service-speak possible, of course), I have very little incentive to bend the 'rules' and make you happy.

So yeah. Here's a clue: Don't treat someone who is trying to help you like a piece of shit, follow what he is trying to tell you, and don't be a dickface, and you might actually get what you want. But this time, you're not getting it.

Hugs 'n Kisses,
Darkrose