techrecovery | Oct. 20th, 2008

Today's story, gentle reader, actually begins a few days ago. I was sitting through a training class for some new disk-encryption software being led by some teutonic twit whose grasp of the English language was shakier than the San Andreas Fault, and was about as useful as a trainer as a hat full of busted assholes. In order to prevent myself from falling asleep, I was surfing the web (not for Pr0n - gov't site and all o' that) when an email from the so-called HellDesk technician at $remote_site popped into my inbox. I cringed at the sight, since every time this pear shaped dipshit emails me, it's either something stupid, something I've given him the solution for before, or a non-issue. This was to be no exception.

"I'm having $problem_x with this computer." I have emailed the solution to this problem to this wretched waste of carbon on 4 separate occasions since late July. I email them again, pointing out that he has been sent these directions several times, & CC'ing his supervisors.

A bit later, my perusal of TSC is interrupted by the surprising discovery that he figured out how to send an email twice in one day. "It doesn't work. I can't get it to work whether I'm logged in under $acct_x or $acct_y" reads the electronic whine. Annoyed by the distraction, I whip off a quick response that he should follow step one while logged in as $admin_acct2. Mildly relieved that it was a minor issue, I returned to my TSC perusal.

And so we find ourselves at today. Another email from this pus-filled boil on the asscrack of humanity finds its way into my inbox. Now he wants to know what "step one" is and/or where he can find it. Now mind you, *the *entire* email trail is being sent back & forth, including the directions I sent in the first place. I highlighted the directions in red and pointed out to him that he had been given the directiosn on several occasions. After clicking "Send", I immediately grabbed the "special bottle" for my coffee. The hell with Irish cream, I need Irish coffee...

But wait, the saga does not end here. Oh no. That would be too easy. Another email drops in my inbox with an electronic thud. "Thud" because the weight of specific gravity of Stupidity is so much higher than that of lead. Now moronovich is saying "This is exactly what I am telling you. I cannot do what the instructions say!. Either way, it says Access Denied. I am logging in as $acct_x and I also tried as $acct_y."

The next 30 seconds were spent in an attempt to deepen the dent in my desk. However, after the 3rd or fourth replacement, facilities installed a steel plate under the desk. It hasn't stopped the dents from forming, they just form slower. But I digress.

In a tone that can most charitably be described as "annoyed", I point out to this drooling fuckwit that I specifically said to log in as $admin_acct2, and not $acct_x or $acct_y!

His response to this is reproduced here for your amusement: "Oh, ok. I didn't realize that was the user id. Thanks! I will try it today."

I have been trying for the last several hours to reconcile how this person can be considered a life form more advanced than a paramecium, let alone as a tech. How in the name of Hastur do you not comprehend that when I tell you to log in with a given account, that this is the username of the account!

1430 hrs and the sweet release brought on by Tullamore Dew cannot possibly come quickly enough.