Tales of the HellDesk
Oct. 20th, 2008 11:10 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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techrecoveryToday's story, gentle reader, actually begins a few days ago. I was sitting through a training class for some new disk-encryption software being led by some teutonic twit whose grasp of the English language was shakier than the San Andreas Fault, and was about as useful as a trainer as a hat full of busted assholes. In order to prevent myself from falling asleep, I was surfing the web (not for Pr0n - gov't site and all o' that) when an email from the so-called HellDesk technician at $remote_site popped into my inbox. I cringed at the sight, since every time this pear shaped dipshit emails me, it's either something stupid, something I've given him the solution for before, or a non-issue. This was to be no exception.
"I'm having $problem_x with this computer." I have emailed the solution to this problem to this wretched waste of carbon on 4 separate occasions since late July. I email them again, pointing out that he has been sent these directions several times, & CC'ing his supervisors.
A bit later, my perusal of TSC is interrupted by the surprising discovery that he figured out how to send an email twice in one day. "It doesn't work. I can't get it to work whether I'm logged in under $acct_x or $acct_y" reads the electronic whine. Annoyed by the distraction, I whip off a quick response that he should follow step one while logged in as $admin_acct2. Mildly relieved that it was a minor issue, I returned to my TSC perusal.
And so we find ourselves at today. Another email from this pus-filled boil on the asscrack of humanity finds its way into my inbox. Now he wants to know what "step one" is and/or where he can find it. Now mind you, *the *entire* email trail is being sent back & forth, including the directions I sent in the first place. I highlighted the directions in red and pointed out to him that he had been given the directiosn on several occasions. After clicking "Send", I immediately grabbed the "special bottle" for my coffee. The hell with Irish cream, I need Irish coffee...
But wait, the saga does not end here. Oh no. That would be too easy. Another email drops in my inbox with an electronic thud. "Thud" because the weight of specific gravity of Stupidity is so much higher than that of lead. Now moronovich is saying "This is exactly what I am telling you. I cannot do what the instructions say!. Either way, it says Access Denied. I am logging in as $acct_x and I also tried as $acct_y."
The next 30 seconds were spent in an attempt to deepen the dent in my desk. However, after the 3rd or fourth replacement, facilities installed a steel plate under the desk. It hasn't stopped the dents from forming, they just form slower. But I digress.
In a tone that can most charitably be described as "annoyed", I point out to this drooling fuckwit that I specifically said to log in as $admin_acct2, and not $acct_x or $acct_y!
His response to this is reproduced here for your amusement: "Oh, ok. I didn't realize that was the user id. Thanks! I will try it today."
I have been trying for the last several hours to reconcile how this person can be considered a life form more advanced than a paramecium, let alone as a tech. How in the name of Hastur do you not comprehend that when I tell you to log in with a given account, that this is the username of the account!
1430 hrs and the sweet release brought on by Tullamore Dew cannot possibly come quickly enough.
"I'm having $problem_x with this computer." I have emailed the solution to this problem to this wretched waste of carbon on 4 separate occasions since late July. I email them again, pointing out that he has been sent these directions several times, & CC'ing his supervisors.
A bit later, my perusal of TSC is interrupted by the surprising discovery that he figured out how to send an email twice in one day. "It doesn't work. I can't get it to work whether I'm logged in under $acct_x or $acct_y" reads the electronic whine. Annoyed by the distraction, I whip off a quick response that he should follow step one while logged in as $admin_acct2. Mildly relieved that it was a minor issue, I returned to my TSC perusal.
And so we find ourselves at today. Another email from this pus-filled boil on the asscrack of humanity finds its way into my inbox. Now he wants to know what "step one" is and/or where he can find it. Now mind you, *the *entire* email trail is being sent back & forth, including the directions I sent in the first place. I highlighted the directions in red and pointed out to him that he had been given the directiosn on several occasions. After clicking "Send", I immediately grabbed the "special bottle" for my coffee. The hell with Irish cream, I need Irish coffee...
But wait, the saga does not end here. Oh no. That would be too easy. Another email drops in my inbox with an electronic thud. "Thud" because the weight of specific gravity of Stupidity is so much higher than that of lead. Now moronovich is saying "This is exactly what I am telling you. I cannot do what the instructions say!. Either way, it says Access Denied. I am logging in as $acct_x and I also tried as $acct_y."
The next 30 seconds were spent in an attempt to deepen the dent in my desk. However, after the 3rd or fourth replacement, facilities installed a steel plate under the desk. It hasn't stopped the dents from forming, they just form slower. But I digress.
In a tone that can most charitably be described as "annoyed", I point out to this drooling fuckwit that I specifically said to log in as $admin_acct2, and not $acct_x or $acct_y!
His response to this is reproduced here for your amusement: "Oh, ok. I didn't realize that was the user id. Thanks! I will try it today."
I have been trying for the last several hours to reconcile how this person can be considered a life form more advanced than a paramecium, let alone as a tech. How in the name of Hastur do you not comprehend that when I tell you to log in with a given account, that this is the username of the account!
1430 hrs and the sweet release brought on by Tullamore Dew cannot possibly come quickly enough.
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no subject
Date: 2008-10-20 03:51 pm (UTC)Just last night I was pondering if adding a flask to my laptop bag would be a good idea or a bad idea.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-20 04:31 pm (UTC)Reminds me of this one.
I was talking a customer's support guy through an install of our software, and our software links into a large brand of accounts package. To enable third party software to link in you need to enter a specific activation code NB this is not the same as the general serial number and activation key for just installing the software.
So I was walking the onsite tech through this. And when we got the screen up I read out the codes he required. He was making the right kind of noises during this process. Then he tells me it didn't work. I walk him through it again. Still didn't work.
I asked him to read me back the codes he'd just entered twice. It bore no resemblence to what I'd just read out to him twice. 'Oh I thought I could just use the standard codes'.
Yes, I was obviously wasting my breath explaining that you needed to use the codes I provided and read out to you twice.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-20 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-20 05:08 pm (UTC)Great one!!!!
And thanks for the link, I didn't know the side ^^
no subject
Date: 2008-10-21 04:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-22 02:27 am (UTC)Put a note together in anticipation of the next time he does this. Address it to the relevant supervisor or boss. Make it along the lines of -
==============
"Over the past X months/years, $twerp has contacted Support N times regarding logging on to ABC. In summary, the results have been:
$date1: $twerp was getting error XYZ.
Solution: No issue found once $twerp followed correct logon procedure.
$date2: $twerp advised that blah blah.
Solution: No issue found once $twerp followed correct logon procedure.
$date3: etc etc...
[...]
Today, $twerp has contacted support stating $PICNIC. Please ensure that $twerp is, in fact, using correct procedure.
For reference, the correct procedure is:
[...]
Thank you,
Support Team"
==============
Then, whenever this idiot calls up, update the note with the relevant latest info, and send it. Send another short note back to the Little Engine Who Couldn't, saying that updated information about logging on had been emailed to $bossname and to check with them.
In short, make it very clear to whoever's responsible for this fool that you will not be picking up their problems for them.
We've actually had users who were banned from contacting the Helpdesk without first going through their manager, simply because of the number of stupidity-related tickets they were generating.