HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

Here is a reply I got back from a BUSINESS level client - i.e. he has the server version of a certain product:

Hi MB,

 thanks for the email. with all the time I have spent on this computer over the past 10 years, I never learned how to do a "cut and paste"...could you enlighten me??? I have a bunch of headers to send you as they keep piling in!    Thanks!

(Revelation: Do you mean to tell me, that this guy has been meticulously and manually typing things in for 10 years thinking "there's gotta be a better way to do this..."?!)

NO! NO NO NO!

[the-ninja-style.livejournal.com]

Dear guy who thought he was smart by calling the Tier 2 line,
If you do not know the difference between monitor and tower, do not tell me to stay on the line while you uninstall your NIC card by yourself.
To answer your questions:
No, I do not trust you.
No sir, I don't think you know what you are doing.
No, I am not going to walk you through HOW TO TAKE OFF YOUR TOWER CASING.

Please, for the sake of your POS computer you bought "From dat Wal-mart down da street der." call Geek Squad.

Tech Support Of A Different Kind

[untalented-hack.livejournal.com]

PREAMBLE:  I do technical support of a slightly different nature.  I sell, set up, and troubleshoot DAWs (digital audio workstations) for a living, in a specialty store that caters to musicians & audio engineers.   If you've ever heard of Pro Tools, Cubase, or Logic Pro, then you're in the ballpark.  Our clientele ranges from the hobbyist to the high-end pro, and over the years I've become fairly adept at sussing out people's technical ability as they come into the store. 

Some people's questions are easily enough answered - your typical "Compy 101" kinda stuff:  "How do I send email?  How does iTunes work?"  Then there are more challenging things, like "What kind of track count can I expect in a typical session with this system?", or "How do I change my latency buffer?", or even "What MIDI control numbers do I use to automate the cutoff & resonance in this virtual synth?"
 
I take a certain amount of pride in being able to answer these questions quickly, with a minimum of homework or grunt work for the customer.
Occasionally, though, communication breaks down, and I get into situations like the following...


************

One day, a few years ago, an older gentleman wandered into our shop.  

He explained that he wanted to record his interview subjects onto a computer, and then put those interviews on CD.  He'd been to other computer shops in town, and none of them had known how to help him. 

I showed him an Apple laptop and a small Pro Tools interface, combined with a couple of clip-on mics (the kind that TV newscasters use).  This seemed to meet his needs, so I ordered up all the components, took a deposit check from him, and told him we'd need about 3 business days to get everything together.

Initially, all was fine.  The custom-ordered iBook arrived early, so he opted to pick that up first, with Pro Tools but sans microphones (which were on back order), so he could get a head start on teaching himself the software.  No problem.  I spent an afternoon showing him the basics of Pro Tools here in the shop, and lent him some adapters for the cheap Radio Shack microphones that he already owned.

And then, a few days later, the emails started. 

My inbox became clogged with multi-page tirades:  nothing worked, I was a liar, a con artist, a fraud, the system did none of the things I claimed it could do, he wanted his money back.  I politely made some troubleshooting suggestions, apologized for the steep learning curve he was experiencing, and suggested he spend some more tutorial time with me here in the shop, seeing as the clip-on mics had arrived anyway.

He came back in to pick up the mics and I showed him once again how to get started with Pro Tools.  He begrudgingly took my advice and left, his system now complete.

This triggered a second wave of angry emails:  I was personally responsible for ruining his livelihood, I'd "left him twisting in the breeze" (actual quote!), I would tell anyone anything to close a deal, he would personally see to it that all of his friends knew what kind of business we really were.  

After a week of increasingly personal attacks, I didn't want to go to work anymore.  

I showed the emails to our owner, and the dialogue went something like this:

Boss:            So, what exactly is this guy's problem?
Me:               He can't get Pro Tools LE to work.
Boss:           Did he buy everything from us?
Me:              Yes.
Boss:          Did you check all the gear before he picked it up?
Me:              Yes.
Boss:          Did you give him a little tutorial?
Me:              Sure did.
Boss:          So he's writing you angry, attacking emails because he doesn't know what he's doing?
Me:              Pretty much.
Boss:          Why do you get all the crazy people?
Ian:              I don't know, sir!  I don't know.

My boss told me not to worry, that this one would blow over once the customer realized his mistake. 

Sure enough, that Saturday, who walked in to apologize in person?  

It turned out that one small setting in the Pro Tools software was askew.  He had mistaken the on-screen "Mute" button (a small orange thing with an "M" in the middle) for some kind of (nonexistent) "Activate Microphone" button.  No wonder he'd not been able to hear or record anything!

He was pretty horribly embarrassed about the whole thing, to the point where I was squirming on his behalf.  What could I do but shake his hand and tell him not to worry, that I hadn't taken any of this personally?  (I, in fact, had taken the whole thing personally, to the point where I printed his emails out for the sheer satisfaction of ripping the goddamned things to shreds.)

He contacted me a few weeks later to say that he was back in business.  No hard feelings.

Did I mention that this man was a professional psychic who'd bought the system so his clients could have CDs of his readings?  I shit you not!

Baby!tech's first overheard call

[azurelunatic]

As part of training today, I got to plug in alongside an experienced tech and listen to how things were handled. There were a few unexceptional calls. Then the funny started happening.


Why, yes, sir. When you change the name of the server you retrieve your mail from in your Outlook, so it no longer says pop.example.com and instead points to your local Exchange server ... why yes, this does mean that YOU WILL NO LONGER RECEIVE NEW MAIL FROM OUR SERVERS. Imagine that.

Hello, sweet-sounding old lady. You want to know if upgrading your e-mail account will give you a user interface that is less confusing? No, sorry, it's all the same. But. Um. What exactly is it that you're complaining about? The e-mail address link on your website? And when people click on it, Outlook Express opens, and you think that will confuse them? Oh, honey. No, upgrading won't change that. Most people wind up copying the e-mail address and pasting it into their e-mail program of choice.


Thursday, we trainees will be released to the phones in pairs. Friday, they unleash us solo on the customers. (Or does that go the other way around?)