light bulb

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

I love it when you can hear the proverbial light bulb go on when you have someone on the phone. e.g.

Me: Thank you for calling tech support, this is MB, how may I help you?
Luser:  YEAH, YOU CAN START BY TAKING ME OFF YOUR GOD DAMNED MAILING LIST. I'M SICK OF YOUR POP UPS AND I'M SICK OF YOUR SHITTY SOFTWARE! I WANT IT OFF MY COMPUTER NOW!
Me:  Alright, I can help you with that. First of all, there is no need to yell or use that kind of language. And secondly, which of our products are you using?
Luser:  *fumbling* It's um... lemme see... uh.... the ...um... winsoftware!
Me:  Oh. Well, sir, that is not one of our products.
Luser:  WELL THEN WHY IN THE HELL DOES IT TAKE ME TO YOUR RESEARCH SITE WHEN I GOOGLE IT?!
Me:  Sir, you don't have to yell.  It takes you to our research site because that is where I threat database is located.  It is a known threat and our software removes it.
Luser:  oh... *long pause* so, winsoftware is... *light bulb* spyware?
Me:  Exactly.
Luser:  Well, I don't believe in using anti-spyware software. I got this disk from a computer hacker friend... blah, blah, blah, blah.... do you know where it is on my machine? Can you help me remove it?
Me:  Well, unfortunately, we can only support you if you are currently using our software. 
Luser: Oh.... okay. I see.  Um... well... thanks...bye.

Ahhh....I love those calls...

email

[anivair.livejournal.com]

I get an email from a luser here.

"I just got this email. How do I keep getting these it is not my email. How does this happen???"

What's the forward? Penis enlargement spam, of course.

Are you shitting me? It wasn't even from an address that I maintain. It's webmail from a crappy email provider.

So he gets back:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-mail_spam

As if I have the time or inclenation to explain to him how he gets spam.

Dell --> Fuck You very Much

[hisamishness.livejournal.com]

Process: tweaking our standards to be properly Vista-Ready, should we ever decide to allow it to be common here.

Item: Dell D820 laptop

Issue: 512mg video card ordered, bios reporting 256

Dell's Answer: The total of local and shared* system memory used by this graphics card is up to 512MB. Local on-board memory is 256MB.

Even worse? Apparently the "256mb" video card only has 64 and gets the other 192 from system memory.

I'm suspecting their latest marketing guy came from the used car or 'dented' virginity market....

(no subject)

[phrogg.livejournal.com]

I got called in on my day off today.

Turns out someone called the IT head-honcho down from his office up north to take care of some "problems with the network".
I'm the IT manager for our office, and everyone knows this (either that or they just like waking me up in the middle of the night to fix their "oops"es). So i'm standing in front of the manager, and he asks me about this supposed problem. I have no choice but to stand there with a stupid look on my face, because nobody has brought this deficiency to my attention. I still only know that, according to someone in my office, there is/was a problem.
Naturally, they didn't tell my boss what the exact problem was, either, only that there was one. I'll just go about my happy way, then, and imagine he was butt-hurt that he couldn't get on his myspace account...

Dear Dipshit,
  I'm here for a REASON. I'm here to fix things when your grubby little paws break them. When you delete a file that's vital to our operations, you call ME to bail your ass out. When you break the printer, you call ME. When you can't surf eBaum's World because we've put a block on it, I'll happily explain to you why.
  You don't call MY higher-ups and get them down from their offices doing THEIR jobs, when my sole purpose here is to take care of your problems. You embarrassed me today, and if i find out which one of you nitwits made me look stupid in front of my boss today, the next time i fix your computer will be with a BFH.
Thanks,
Your friendly neighborhood Phrogg.