(no subject)

[ex-deliveryboy.livejournal.com]

some background. We offer dial up service that is billed monthly, annually or every two years. Last summer, we began offering an accelerator. Those customers on annual and two year account would be charged a prorated amount on their next billing date.

Customer had a two year account, and was upgraded partway through his 2 year account to an accelerated service. Notes on his account indicate he called a couple of times last October and December because he couldn't get it to work. The last note indicates he uninstalled, reinstalled and it worked.


Flash-forward to a few minutes ago. He's just been charged the prorated chare, plus his renewal for another 2 years and he's of course disputing the charges with my rep.



Overheard during the conversation (overheard, as in I was monitoring the call) :

Customer: "I can get SBC DSL for $14.00 a month here, why don't I just use them?"


Apparently this was not a rhetorical question, as he was waiting for a response.


Rep: "Go for it."

now now, there's no call to get nasty

[valancy17.livejournal.com]

Dear customers:

Just because we sent you a reminder that you have an account on our site is no call to get all nasty with me about how many web accounts you have to keep track of, as if I give a rat's ass anyway. It seems a large number of the 300,000 people we reminded about their accounts are trying right now to get their passwords and log in and so forth, so our server decided to play a little joke and crack under the pressure. No, we didn't send our message out to you just so you'd click on the link and have it not work. Although next time, now that you've got all attitude on me, I think I will do it in purpose.

I'm having such a fun day already that I really appreciate you injecting a little humor into the situation by suggesting I do a little work for a change. In fact, I think it's so funny that I'm tempted to tell you to unsubscribe your own damn self from our site, since that's something so easy an ape could do it. Surely you will be able to handle it. On second thought, I better unsubscribe you myself, just to make sure.

Shooting you many arrows of NO LOVE,
your customer service monkey

P.S. If you saw my previous note about me getting to be the one who answers the customer service emails - turns out they go out with my name attached after all. It'll say "From: me, on behalf of customer service." So I can't tell all these asshats what I really think of them today, unless I kill them with kindness.

gentle mockery of my work's tech support dept

[wyldthyng.livejournal.com]

I'm leaving this particular company to do external tech support myself... so please understand that there's no malice beyond an eyeroll at this event, and I likely won't be perfect till I get myself underway. There is no holier-than-thou in this post whatsoever - just gigglin'.

my work's Helpdesk r00lz the sk00lz.

We had a hiccup in net support the other day and so I called them, leaving a voicemail because their system SUCKS - there's no hold time, just straight to voicemail if the Helpdeskers are busy.

I *specifically* said "email, {Telnet-connecting software} and {intarweb interface of previously mentioned software} are all down.".

So Helpdesk calls me back THE NEXT DAY (wtf?! what if we were belly-up for all that time?!)*** and the first thing the coug asks is "did you email us?"



I'm gonna be doing this for a living soon, and I vow not to be teh st00pidz with my customers! Really!

*** I did end up emailing once we'd gone back up - but there are different staff who monitor the phone and email queues... so she was asking the question to mean "why didn't you email us?" not "was it you who sent the email?" - I was just astonished that the phone queue got ignored for about 24 hours straight.

Dear Fucktard of the Day,

[fatesplaything.livejournal.com]

Dear Fucktard of the Day,

I don't know how you fucked up your router, but you wasted an hour and a half of my morning by not listening to me. I can ping your router, I can not log in. When I ask you to try each port on the router, do not plug yourself back into your firewall because you know your computer will say you are connected when you do, this does not mean you are connected to the internet and the internet is broken, it means you are connected to your firewall and your head something else is broken. After we finally determine that the ethernet hub in your router is dead, and you request for the soonest dispatch possible, do not bitch at me for another half an hour when it is Thursday morning, and I can't guarentee anyone until Monday morning. Also, if you are not available Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday of next week, do not tell me by telling me you could have new service with another provider by monday morning (btw, no, you can't). When I tell you that I did you a favor and requested (before you bitched about how far away Monday is, by the way) that the tech try to squeeze you in sometime today or tomorrow, do not yell at me about how that's not good enough and that your day is waisted.

When I call you back in two hours to tell you that the tech said there is no way to fit you in today and that he will -try- to get out there tomorrow, if he has time, please just say thank you and get back in your box, do not yell at my co-workers as if we have done you a personal wrong. At least he was nice enough escalate the sooner dispatch request for you.

If you call and bitch at me because no one called you before a tech came out (that you say your neighbor saw), do not accuse me of lying when I tell you the notes say that no tech has been out, nor can come out at all, today. Then inform me that you think you should have someone out this soon because you are a business customer, you already have priority over consumers, and those business customers with your service, but slower speeds, while there are people who pay 3, 4, and 5 times what you pay in order to have someone out within 4 hours. Do not threaten me to switch to SBC with some deal you immagined where you get 1.5 up and down for $300/month, if you want to switch to SBC, fucking go and switch to SBC, then I won't have you wasting my day because you think you are the alpha and the omega of customers.

But what really pissed me off was that as soon as you hung up with me, you called back, and spoke with a coworker of mine saying the exact same things, and thus, calling me a liar.

I am actually hoping that you sit by your cellphone tomorrow waiting for a call that never comes and thus "wasting" another of your precious days. Then, the soonest your internet will be fixed will be Thursday, because it apparently isn't that important, or you would at least arrange for someone to be there monday morning.

You wasted my first hour and a half here today by thinkign you know everything and not listening to what I say this morning. You wasted more of my time at lunch by bitching about me not being able to promise you someone can come out today, the you pissed me off by calling me a liar for my last half-hour here today.

I hope you get AOL.
And Die.
<small x-posted to various places>

software install

[japester.livejournal.com]

We have an SOE for a reason. Ease of software maintainence. No stupid or dodgy software being installed. Users not Fucking With it, etc. you all get this :)
I recently cleaned up a laptop (OS X) which had managed to get away with being semi non conformant for a while and it is not back in the fold and under my careful dictatorial administration. yay for me.
The user came and picked it up last Friday, happy with the knowledge that I'd made his computer faster, blah blah blah. Then on Monday, one of our other support people gets an email saying that I had 'not unlocked his computer' so he could install Shitty Apps back on his computer.
WTF??????
I have just had the joy of saying, "No. No, no and no. Get back in your box."

Closely followed by and email which says:
Every time I use Safari it pops up a dialog box saying 'unlock keychain, password required'.

well, did you try entering your password?
duh.
I'm glad it's 5pm. I'm glad it Battlefield 2 o'clock. It's time to go make believe like I'm shooting stupid people.

First call

[tjernobyl.livejournal.com]

"Yeah. You know the space bar? I've got a G on my space bar. How do I turn it back to the E?"

aaaagh.