It is not my fault you decided to....

[geekgrrl-ca.livejournal.com]

It is not my fault you decided to....

...place a heavy piece of furnature in front of the power plug/phone jack, etc. Either call a mover or an interior designer to help you with this issue.
...that you didn't read the minimum requirements for the device to work with the stuff you already had.
...that you listened to the bad advice from your cousin because he is a "geek" and should know these things even though all he actually knows is how to cheat at counterstrike.
...that the salesman lied to you and your doohicky doen't do. Yes it was not a nice thing to do, but I'm techsupport, not the salesman's supervisor, complain elsewhere.
...that you have 4 virus's and 150 spyware programs that are preventing our software from working, here's a clue, stop surfing porn and warez sites and stop installing stupid crap on your computer.
...smash your device with a hammer because you need a course in anger management - This is not covered under your warranty.
...put your device in some sort of cabnet that prevents you from accessing your serial number/ports/cables.
...spend 2000 dollars and not learn how to use your device, it's not my job to teach you either.
...that you waited over a year to use your product and now the consumables/offers/rebates are expired.
...you did not buy an extended warranty when you were in warranty.
...that we didn't call you to offer said warranty when a) you didn't register and we didn't know you bought the product or b)requested that we not contact you for any reason including the option to upgrade your warranty.
...reproduce and your offspring is stupider then you are and keeps messing up your device when you're not looking

(no subject)

[zercool.livejournal.com]

Customer complaining she can't make selection in reports.
(Original case title: "System down". Confirmed that terminals are online and functioning fine.)
Deleted blank record from database. Report works fine now.
Customer also mentioned that the system has been "weird" lately. Asked her to elaborate. She can't, it's just been "weird". Explained that "weird" is rather difficult to diagnose, but if she comes up with particular questions or concerns, we'd be happy to help.

Stupidity is contagious

[chaobell]

Working on a customer's machine just now. Needed to install some software, couldn't because the customer couldn't find his serial number.

I removed CD from the drive and mumbled something about how I "couldn't download this right now."

Then I cringed and whimpered as I realized that luserspeak had just come out of my mouth.

help meeeeeee.

Tech Support Rule #1

[tertiumquid.livejournal.com]

Do not lie to the tech.
We are here to help. Lying to us makes it much more difficult to deliver the assistance you want and we want to give you. Do not think it will go unnoticed. We will find out and it will not make us happy.
If you do not know the answer, the correct response is "I don't know". Pulling a random answer out of your butt that you think we will like is not going to expedite the support process. We ask questions for specific reasons and rely on the answers to make the decisions regarding your problem. If you give us the incorrect answer, you lead us down the wrong path and backtracking will waste our time and yours. If you don't know, we can usually ask another question to help elicit the true answer.
Omitting details is just as bad. If your software stopped working after you decompiled, and rewrote part of the code, not telling is the same as lying. If you know you did something stupid, own up to it. We have seen worse and will be able to assist you with much more efficiency if we have all of the details.

Tech Support Rule #2

[tertiumquid.livejournal.com]

Don't be an ass.
Pissing off the person trying to assist you is counterproductive and will likely cost you in one way or another. Most of us are people pleasers. We want to make you happy. A really happy customer is one of the few things that makes this hell worth while. Most of us will bend over backwards and bend rules past the breaking point to make you happy. Being a jerk is a sure fire way to get yourself the absolute minimum service required for us to remain employed. Being nice will frequently get you much better service and maybe even a few perks.
Oh, and it's just the decent thing to do. What would your Mother think?


Guy calls in three minutes before closing tonight. I could have ignored it and left for tomorrow morning. I'm too nice.

There's a registration discrepancy. Most likely the guy isn't entitled to support at all. I could easily let it go for tonight and would probably be able to close it tomorrow without even calling him once the entitlement discrepancy is confirmed. I'm too nice.

I call the listed number and I get a message that the company is closed. I should have stopped there but I happened to find a cell number in the record. I'm too nice.

He has a shiny new Treo 600 and an extremely old version of our synch software. He has it mostly working with one exception. I'm shocked he has it working at all. He's three versions back from the first one to actually support that device.
I explain that he will need a new version as the new device isn't supported with that old version. My next statement would have been "It's not really a free upgrade, but I will send it to you to get you back up and running." Yep. That would have been my next statement, as it usually is in these situations.

Not this time...

Before I can get out the good news the guy says "I don't believe you."

You don't believe me? You call in at closing time with ancient software, no entitlement, a bad phone number, and you wanna screw with me? Screw you.

Guess who's buying new software tonight...