[identity profile] endotoxin.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] techrecovery

$ISP, David speaking, how may I help you?
Hi, I'm Doctor Fussbudget. You're my provider in $STATE_WHAT_WE_DONT_SERVICE, and I'm trying to get my circa 1990s Macintosh to dial in via VoIP and across state lines to reach your service so I can download email. Can you help me with that?
Wow... Wow sir, no. No, that's not going to work at all. Dialing up from out of state is headache enough, but you're doing it over Voice over IP? No, that's not gonna work at all.
Well why not?
A couple of reasons, but the most important being that digitally compressing a saturated analog signal is going to completely destroy communication. I'm surprised you managed to get your computer to handshake in the first place!
Well wait, I'm a Doctor, so you can't tell me that something doesn't work!
Really?
It worked when I lived in town, didn't it?
Yes, but now you DON'T live in town. Do you. And you DON'T have regular telephone service, you have Internet Phones. Don't you.
Oh. Well yes, I guess that's true. But why won't it work?
Well it's a little hard to explain without going into radio theory-
Listen, I'm a Doctor!
Yes sir. As you said. Anyway, the basic problem is that you're trying to layer Internet on top of Phone on top of Internet. That's just not going to work. If you can actually accomplish making that work, let me know, cause I'm pretty sure it can't be done. OK?
Ah. Well, I guess that makes sense. So what do I do?
Does your $COMPUTER_YOU_EXCAVATED_FROM_A_CAVE have an Ethernet port?
Wazzat?
[TIME PASSES]
So I've got it plugged in to my router, and now I need to get Eudora to download my email. Do I need an IP Address?
What do you mean, sir?
Well, you know, I need to be able to connect to your IP to get my email.
Sir, do you know what an IP Address is?
Well, not really...
Then trust me when I say that as a Doctor, you really don't need to be concerned with IP Addresses. If you were a Network Engineer, sure, IP Addresses are very important. But for you, no. Don't worry about 'em. Let US worry about IP Addresses, and you can stick to worrying about email and your patients. OK?
OK.
You need to have 5 things. Your email address, username, password, and the incoming and outgoing mail servers. And that should be ALL you need to get connected to us. And here's that information now.
OK! Well... THANKS!
You're welcome, sir.
[HANGS UP]
DERKA DERKA DERKA!




X-posted

Date: 2009-12-17 08:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 2percentright.livejournal.com
NOW WITH PICTURES!

awesome. It almost sounds like he started to realize he just needed to answer questions and let you do your thing there towards the end.

Date: 2009-12-24 04:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tuba-man.livejournal.com
Major points for him actually able to learn in some sort of rudimentary way!

Date: 2009-12-17 08:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ptomblin-lj.livejournal.com
That sounds remarkably calm and clued for a doctor.

Date: 2009-12-17 09:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mavikfelna.livejournal.com
Dude, you really don't deal with many Doctors do you? Maybe it's the hospital here but they have a real entitlement problem. The Lawyers aren't any better but at least they pay for their extra support, not that I ever see any of that.

--Mav

Date: 2009-12-18 05:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kingogre.livejournal.com
Indeed, I've worked with doc's and goodness first off if you don't call them doctor so and so they get upset. Secondly like they should understand computer stuff....
I actually had to go into Ok for your car do you do it, No... well that's why you're paying for me.. it's the same thing.
Doc: no it's not...
*headdesk*
Umm trust me?
Doc: Nope...
*muted cursing and swearing*
Ok *long winded explanation*
Doc: Umm can you just fix it..
Me: Yup, *2 minute fix* Done
Doc: Thanks, I could have taken care of that..
*headdesk*
gah

That's my normal experience with doc's

Date: 2009-12-18 07:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] japester.livejournal.com
After the "I could have taken care of that ...
Me: Okay, your turn.

Date: 2009-12-18 04:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jimbojones.livejournal.com
Private practice doctors tend to be LOTS easier to deal with than hospital doctors, in my experience.

I've got a few as clients, and they generally get called by their first name and are pretty reasonable about things. (Honestly, the nurses tend to be a bigger problem - in the "sweet-as-sugar to your face, bitching the second you turn your back" kind of way.)

Date: 2009-12-17 08:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] talonvaki.livejournal.com
This is the best stupid customer post I have ever read.

Date: 2009-12-17 08:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] darkmattr.livejournal.com
I had a dsl installer actually ask me the same thing for a dial up backup system so...

Date: 2009-12-17 08:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spaz-own-joo.livejournal.com
Your customer is dumb, but sweetly deferent to your expertise.

Which in my books, is 100x better than someone with a little skill and an unwillingness to listen.

Date: 2009-12-17 08:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hiroe.livejournal.com
I don't have anything useful to say, aside from HICKORY SMOKED HORSE BUTTHOLES!

Date: 2009-12-17 09:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redhillian.livejournal.com
I can't be sure, but I think they said "HICKORY SMOKED HORSE BUTTHOLES!"

That my be added to my favourite insults and excalmtions list.

I mean, the butt holes of horses with added hickory smoke - that's a winner right there. ;)

Date: 2009-12-18 02:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gotica.livejournal.com
Gives a new meaning to blowing it our your arse. :P

Date: 2009-12-17 11:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] docskurlock.livejournal.com
I am here to put you on notice. I have filed a patent for the term derka derka derka. You need to put a copyright tag on that and pay me the sum of eleventy billion quadjillion simoleans or I will be forced to sue you for everything you don't have.


JK. This guy is stupid. I would need a cluebat for him, I think.

Date: 2009-12-17 11:27 pm (UTC)
jjjiii: It's pug! (Default)
From: [personal profile] jjjiii
Why would a doctor constrain himself to a 20 year old Mac?

(deleted comment)

Date: 2009-12-18 05:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kingogre.livejournal.com
*nods* Well it works.. and no virus's right??

Date: 2009-12-18 10:08 am (UTC)
ext_8716: (Default)
From: [identity profile] trixtah.livejournal.com
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! (http://search.mcafee.com/search?as_sitesearch=vil.nai.com/vil/content&entqr=0&access=p&as_dt=i&sort=date%3AD%3AL%3Ad1&output=xml_no_dtd&ie=UTF-8&region=us&btnG=Search&as_sitesearch=&as_lq=&client=default_frontend&as_epq=&as_eq=X&as_oq=&num=10&ud=1&oe=UTF-8&as_q=macos&proxystylesheet=default_frontend&as_occt=title) Pre-OS X, please note.

Not to mention the first virus found in the wild (http://library.thinkquest.org/04oct/00460/malwareHistory.html). And getting rid of viruses on older Macs was a bitch, due to the kind of reasons outlined here. At least DOS and Windows AV engines were always readily available. (http://www.macintouch.com/m85_antivirus.html)
(deleted comment)

Date: 2009-12-18 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] synesthesiatic.livejournal.com
Ha, very nice.

Date: 2009-12-18 12:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] attackgypsy.livejournal.com
Friend of ours worked for my wife's neurosurgeon. Now, this guy was one f the best neurosurgeons in the country.

She had to drive him down to renew his driver's license.

Because he had been pulled over so many times for failing to renew it, his last judge seized it and told him point blank "You get your license back when you renew it. Otherwise, you can't drive, or you got to jail."

This was over a six month period. He had to take the test over again. He failed twice.

Date: 2009-12-22 07:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] red-scully.livejournal.com
$COMPUTER_YOU_EXCAVATED_FROM_A_CAVE

This totally made my evening. Thank you for the lols!
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