A few rules for customers...

[masonstone.livejournal.com]

Just a few of many things that irk me greatly during calls

1. Don't use a speakerphone.

You are hard enough to understand as it is, don't use a lousy speakerphone to make it worse. If you want to use your hands buy a damned headset or put down the phone for a moment.

2. Don't tell me how much money you are losing.

I am not paid enough to care about that. I also only support residential accounts. We do not guarantee them for business purposes. If you want that sort of guarantee, get a goddamned business acount. If going down for two days will cause you to lose untold thousands of dollars then pay 10 bucks a month for a cheap dialup account.

3. Don't blame the technician for your technical inadequacy.

It is not our fault you are too stupid to click on what we tell you. It is also not our fault that you did something stupid that caused your connection to crash. You are the ones who called us for help. We certainly do not want to talk to you and we are not to blame for your problem. Even if the company did something to screw up your service we are not to blame for that either. Either ask for a supervisor or go rant on DSLreports.

4. I don't care how many people you have talked to today.

I don't care if I'm the first or the thirty first. It will not make a difference in how I assist you. My goal is to get you fixed and off my phone. No more, no less. The more time you waste bitching about the past is time I don't spend fixing your problem. Shut up, answer my questions when asked and let me get rid of you properly.

Comments

[trenthamfamily.livejournal.com]

Don't you love it when someone says...

"I've fixed the problem myself already but stayed on the line to complain to you about how long it took to get through!"

*smacks head on the desk*

[fnordx.livejournal.com]

You left out the "I've been waiting on hold for X minutes!" rant. I don't care how long you've been on hold. Normally my team lead or manager cares, but that's their job to care, it's my job to fix your problem, and if you spend 5 minutes bitching about how long you were on hold, then that means I'll have to leave the next person waiting for an extra 5 minutes.

[glennarbor.livejournal.com]

whenever i get put on speaker phone i just say "Hello ?..... Hello ?.... I can't hear you....."

they think speaker phone is broken and take me off, works like a charm everytime.

[teriwyn.livejournal.com]

Hah. DSLReports... *cackle*. That place can get crazy in the ISP forums.

[hoffman-log.livejournal.com]

How many of these "Rules for Customers" things have you posted?

Considered publishing a "manual", ya know, for those in tech support to purchase and laugh over? Sounds like good money to me... Be like the Dilbert of tech support!

You know what.... Nevermind.... I never said anything.... That sounds like a good enough idea for myself. ;-)

_MaH

[punkygoat.livejournal.com]

"2. Don't tell me how much money you are losing."

sometimes when I get that one, I tell them they if they're running any kind of profit making activities off our service without getting a business account, it's a violation of their Terms of Service and I have the right to cancel their account (which I actually can't do. Whoops, forgot to tell them that).
Yeah, that does something that's far from calming to them.

[skajeanne.livejournal.com]

I just tell them, "Are you aware of the user agreement you agreed to when you signed up?" Well yes... "Then you're aware these accounts are for personal, entertainment use only, not for business. Then I must also make you aware you've violated the TOS and I am authorized to cancel your account on that premis." That's when they shut the hell up and become very obediant.

[ngtmagicks.livejournal.com]

"2. Don't tell me how much money you are losing."
-If it's a personal acct, I love hearing that.

"I'm sorry, as per your current TOS you have a personal non-profit account setup, shall I cancel that and fax or mail you the forms necessary to get a business account online?"

Love that!!