OMG CAPS LOCK FTW

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

There's just something about an email written in all caps that make me laugh. Enjoy verbatim:

I DONT KNOW HOW OR WHEN YHIS JUNK WAS PUT ON MY COMPUTER BUT THE LAST TIME WE WENT TO USE THE COMPUTER WE GOT THE DELL SCREEN THE WINDOWS SCREEN THEN ITS STUCK ON A BLUE SCREEN WITH YOUR COMPANY THE COMPUTERIS FROZE ON THAT SCREEN WHICH AS FAR AS I KNOW IS USELESS TO ME!!MY CHILDREN AND I BOTH USE THIS COMPUTER FOR SCHOOL SO IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO OFFER SOME LEGITIMATE HELP AS TO WHAT YOUR PRODUCT HAS DONE AND HOW TO FIX IT BECAUSE FUNNY THING IS ANY THING THAT YOU THOUGHT WOULD HAVE BEEN A HELP OR CLUE AS TO WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WOULD TRY TO CLICK ON ALL I WOULD REPEATEDLY GET WAS THIS PAGE IS NOT AVAILABLE!!!BUT NOT TO MY SURPRISE YOUR ADVERTISEMENT PAGES PULLED UP JUST AS FAST AND EASY AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO!!!!!!SEEMS LIKE SOMETHINGS FUNNY ABOUT YOUR WEBSITE!!I WANT OUR COMPUTER FIXED AND SOON!!!!AS OF NOW WE ARE HAVING TO RENT THE ONE I AM USING NOW BUT I NEITHER HAVE THE MONEY OR THE TIME AND IT IS YOUR PHONY PRODUCTS AND WEBSITE THAT SEEMS TO HAVE SNUCK THIS ON MY COMPUTER SO BE SO KIND AS TO GET IT OFF OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!OR MAYBE I'LL TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS WEBSITE AND ITS PHONY CLAIMS AND HELP SITE AND LINKS TO FIX THE THOUSANDS OF ERRORS I HAVE EXPLORED THROUGH TO TRY TO FIND MY ANSWER THAT YOU KNEW ALL ALONG WASNT THERE ON YOUR SITE BECAUSE ITS JUST "bs".WHY YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IS PUT ALL YOUR PHONY HELP AND LINKS THAT GO TO BLANK PAGES THAT CANNOT BE FOUND AND THE PICTURES YOU SO PROUDLY ADVERTISED OF YOURSELFS SMILING ALL THE WHILE KNOWING THAT YOUR SCREWING PEOPLE AROUND,PUT THIS STUFF ON FIRST THEN TRY TO GET SOME ONE TO DOWNLOAD YOUR  "bs".THE YOU HAVE YOUR NERVE TO PUT ON HERE 2000 CHARACTERS OR LESS TO TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT YOU ALLREADY KNOW THE SAME RULE SHOULD APPLY TO YOU   "PROVIDE AS MUCH DETAILED INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE AND DO SO IN LESS THAN 2000 CHARACTERS!!!!!!

Yeah, we're phony. Our software comes installed on Dell PCs. That would solve the mystery on how our software got on her computer. Magic and mystery!

Comments

[kailiia.livejournal.com]

oh joy.. i just started with dell.. i am hoping this isnt what i get to look forward to...

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

all that and more, I'm sure!

[doitalone.livejournal.com]

I love how she de-cap'd BS.

Whore.

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

preach on, sista!

[ace-brickman.livejournal.com]

Thank a WindONOZ setting that cancels CAPS when one holds "shift"

sorry for the late reply

[conglacio.livejournal.com]

I...can't actually read it....after I left the BT Yahoo?!?!?! I labotomiesed the part of the brain that deals with such stupid writing.

[taleya.livejournal.com]

*deletes*

*purges trash*

What email?

[ihateemo.livejournal.com]

^_^

[ravenshrinkery.livejournal.com]

Ow, my eyes. Okay, I'm amused now.

Of course, she's only asking for less than 2k of support, should be an easy one to clean up :).

[ravenshrinkery.livejournal.com]

Oh, in your reply, might I suggest leaving out all punctuation, spaces, and carriage returns. Those take up precious characters, and she wants as much detailed information as possible in those 2,000 characters :).

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Props to the author of the email for understanding the difference between "its" and "it's."

--Former support@dell.com tech... until I was friggin' outsourced to India! YAY DELL!

[insanefreeek.livejournal.com]

"bs".

At least we know her caps lock key isn't broken...

[greylady.livejournal.com]

I can explain her problem in under 200 words, and I'm wordy as hell.

Madam, your computer appears to be booting incompletely. Most likely your computer is suffering from either a virus or a file corruption, and should be booted in safe mode in order to begin troubleshooting. If you are unfamiliar with safe mode, or with general troubleshooting, may we suggest that you consult a local Dell Technician for general computer assistance.

Our website provides support for our product, which would not fix your problem because the issue is most likely with your operating system. General support can be found on both Dell.com and Microsoft. com.

Our software is installed on your computer because you purchased a Dell, and our product comes installed on all Dell machines. If you wish to report broken website links, please provide the full URL (Address) of the links that aren't working for you.

Thank you, and have a nice day.
greylady

[loosechanj.livejournal.com]

You're either new to this line of work, or on the fast track to sainthood.

Trust me, I do the "stabby-air" dance or go after imaginary people with hands like claws some days

[greylady.livejournal.com]

Depends... is going on 10 years new? ;)

It's more that I've dealt with worse. This person is 1. Not actually screaming at me and 2. not primarily using obscenities to communicate. I'll answer obnoxious emails all day if I don't have to listen to someone threatening to have me fired because of the length of their hold time while they lose "millions of dollars" and arguing that they're "not really swearing" when asked to please moderate their language.

She's ignorant, impolite and frustrated; I can either cut her down by sinking to her level, or attempt to educate her and hopefully not have to deal with her again. :)

Re: Trust me, I do the "stabby-air" dance or go after imaginary people with hands like claws some da

[loosechanj.livejournal.com]

or attempt to educate her and hopefully not have to deal with her again

Yup, you're new to this line of work alright. :-P

[snarl817.livejournal.com]

Caps lock is cruise control for awesome (http://www.jinx.com/scripts/details.asp?affid=-1&productID=629)!

[hisamishness.livejournal.com]

OMG, like the bundled crap on a new Dell isn't just the Bestest Ever!

(so glad we wipe our drives before their first boot here)

Wow, her grammar sucks!

[xrockravenx.livejournal.com]

Poor kids...Sorry your mom's a retard.

[jenny-islander.livejournal.com]

Er. Is there something I need to know about Dells? Jane Average User here; long story short, I actually keep recipes on this thing. My computer is decrepit, so I asked my friendly local computer dude for advice. He says that as an authorized Dell dealer, he can get me a Dell that does what I need it to do for slightly more than I already have saved up--or he can custom build me one for considerably more. I was thinking Dell. Should I not?

Ob.topic: I'm a full-time mom with part-time jobs now, but when I was a secretary, I was the go-to person about computers, mostly because I had actually RTFM and was willing to call a real tech support person when necessary. I handled the run-of-the-mill problems, such as:

BOSS: Jenny, my e-mail is acting up. I keep clicking on this attachment, but nothing happens.
ME: Who's it from? I can ask them to resend it in some other format.
BOSS: I don't know. Somebody named lilaluvsya@crappymail.com.
ME (gritting teeth): You don't know anybody who uses that address?
BOSS: Well, no, but the message said that the attached file was really important . . .
ME (restraining urge to make illegal use of a stapler): Boss, what did I tell you last week when you got this account?
BOSS: Never click on something if I don't know who it's from . . . oh.
ME (deep breath, glittering smile): How many times did you try to open the attachment?
BOSS: . . . about sixteen . . .

This was the guy who had insisted that he didn't need anti-virus software even though he had to have his computer up and running in order to help his clients. I informed him that he would be offline for the rest of the day, canceled his afternoon appointments, went to Symantec's free online virus scanning service, and let it run . . . on dialup. Problem solved.

Re: (Cont'd)

[jenny-islander.livejournal.com]

Thought I'd give y'all a chuckle. My husband and I were getting ready to build me a new computer. Then, out of the blue, one of the workstations at his workplace fried. It still had usable parts, but would cost more to fix than to replace, so his boss told him he could take it home. One sleepless night later, he presented me with Frankenbox.

For being the unholy offspring of a decrepit Pentium II and a brain-damaged Pentium III, Frankenbox really isn't bad. Okay, its graphics card is so old that it makes my OS blink and stare and NVidia doesn't support it anymore. All right, it insists on scanning my hard drive on startup every single time. And, yes, occasionally it gives me a completely unfamiliar Blue Screen o'Death. It's still miles better than what I was surfing the Web with the last time I posted here.

It sort of resembles the Cadillac from that Johnny Cash song: the monitor is Packard Bell, the keyboard is PC Concepts, the case is Alienware, and, dude, it thinks it's a Dell!