yikes

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

I don't know about you guys, but I have what I call a "yikes file" - it's just a folder I keep in outlook where I put in the most amusing emails/threats that I get.  Sometimes, I like go through them for a good laugh.  Here's a little gem from a repeat offender. Sadly, this person's name is Bryan, so English is probably his first language. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do.

HAY I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO NOW SOME THING WHAT ARE THE SINES OF HAVEING YOU FIREWALL HACKED BECAUSE I HAVE YOU PROGRAM & I HAVE GOT A BUCH OF DIFFERT THING HAPPEN THAT MACK ME THING MY COMPUTER HAS BEEN HACKED SO WHAT SHOLD I DO  THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME I H AVE HAD A PROBLE WITH YOUR PROGRAMS & AM ALL MOST RADY TO GO ALTES WEAR NEXT TIME HOPE TO HEAR BACK SOON

Comments

How I'd like to respond *corrected*

[dazzedelf.livejournal.com]

Dear Bryan,

Thank you for your continued patronage to our site and services. The signs that your firewall has been hacked are as follows.

1. Somebody turned your caps lock off.
2. Somebody installed spell check on your computer
3. Somebody used the spellcheck utility on your computer.
4. Someone with access to this message from your computer would be able to understand because it's in proper English, and has not been downgraded into 5 year old "leet" speak.

Please rest assured that as long as you are sending emails that look like yours that there is nothing on your computer anyone would be interested with the exception of your porn collection, but how many people like goats in today's society?

Re: How I'd like to respond *corrected*

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

LOL To quote Bryan from a previous email: "EXCACKLE"

That's how he spelled "exactly" by the way.

Re: How I'd like to respond *corrected*

[dazzedelf.livejournal.com]

That's horrid, I'm surprised this guy can read to enough to use the internet.

[lordstorm.livejournal.com]

Mein Gott! My eyes! *reaches for chemical bleach*

[nem0.livejournal.com]

The least he could do, if he's going to type like he's sending a telegram anyway, is put STOPs in between sentences.

[ex-deliveryboy.livejournal.com]

Dear Valued Customer,

Eye sea ewe haf a probble wit eyedentify the sines of a hacked firwall. Ef you computer is macking a bunches of progames run, ew mae ned to haf a tech/geek/naybore kid luk at you computer or pro vid the excackle sim tems. Hope ful you downt had to go altes wear for yo firwall neds.

[valkyrwench.livejournal.com]

Clearly, HUKT ON FONICS WURKT FOR HIM.

[linguafranca.livejournal.com]

Yikes!

::smiles evilly::

[jecook]

In some places, that'd be a good enough excuse for a hanging...

Fortuantely, I'm a lazy mod.

[bassgirl.livejournal.com]

I had to read that outloud. More than once.

Ow.

[guinevere33.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but AltesWear stopped manufacturing their firewall software for Macks some time ago. I'm afraid you're stuck with us, sir.

[jecook]

Which is odd, I didn't know that Mack truck had any form of software in them... ;)

[fixerkitty.livejournal.com]

Hehe, sounds like some of the medieval texts I've read. Yay standard English spelling rules! And yay authors that modernise the texts so they don't look like THAT.

Re: How I'd like to respond *corrected*

[fixerkitty.livejournal.com]

Considering the average level of literacy (or lack thereof) it's not that much of a surprise.

Still, my eyes burn now...get that kid in a basic reading class ASAP.

[spacebird.livejournal.com]

it's funny, I usually find that people with english as a first language make the most spelling errors. people with it as a second language usually spell perfectly and just have shitty grammar.