Reboot.

Apr. 28th, 2006 10:13 am
[identity profile] the-paco.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] techrecovery
We'll just get this little politically incorrect thing behind a wall first thing. Don't click below if you're at work, at home, in public, in private, a man, a woman, elderly, a major kitchen appliance, a small dog, a large cat, or anyone whose last name ends with '-son'. In fact, this is so acerbic, offensive, and downright obscene, that I think it's a good idea if you just keep scrolling. That's it. Keep going down. You'll be happy you did.


Well, you clicked anyway. You poor poor fool. Thank you very much for letting me share with you.

We have a modem for my DSL company. It's called Westell. We have several Westell models, and most are about on par with computer equipment I've dealt with before. It's a piece of temperamental shit that, while a good idea in theory, makes me want to beat it to electronic death with an EMP-emitting dildo on a daily basis. I hate the fucking thing, but it's just a tool. If it's a good one and put in the hands of a competent end-user, the damn thing can work tiny wonders. But experts don't call technical support, and those that do expecting to find competent front end help often find that 9 out of 10 of us have penises where our frontal lobes should be. By the time they get to my level, where the ratio of cock to brain is down to about %30 cock, they're so pissed off that they can't remember that a packet IS, let alone how to regulate the maximum size of it.

It doesn't help, however, when my techs, who are coming to me, FOR HELP, seem to ask me something ONLY so they can hear how much of a fucking IDIOT they are just before going off and referring the customer to MICROSOFT for a problem with a WESTELL modem working on a MACINTOSH.

(Note, the tech's lines are translated from half-assed AOL-speak BULLSHIT to ENGLISH, because I'm too fucking pissed off to write that stupidly. Imagine it's a fucking FOUR YEAR OLD whose been drinking white russians from a sippy cup while typing his parts.)

Tech: "The customer doesn't see the 'new connection' button."
Paco: "What buttons are there?"
Tech: "I don't understand."
Paco: "Do you have a connection already there? Did you already hit profile editor?"
Tech: "It says release and edit."
Paco: "Ah, so it thinks it's a DHCP connection, is the cx DHCP or PPPoE?"
Tech: "PPPoE."
Paco: "Ok do this-..."
Tech: "I know that because he's an east cx." (he's typing this while I type)
Paco: "-run wan detect three times. It's in configuration menu, either Detect WAN or Advanced WAN->Detect WAN.-"
Tech: "And remedy says he's PPPoE."
Paco: "-The first time you run it it will fail, the second time you run it it will say please connect a dsl line, when the DSL light goes solid again, run it the third time and it will give results."
Tech: "Ok."
Tech: "It didn't work."
Paco: "Did it go out of sync?"
Tech: "No, failed three times."
Paco: "Ok, did you power cycle the modem already?"
Tech: "Nope."
Paco: "Do that. Most things can be fixed at the beginning of your call by a good reset."
Tech: "Ok."
Tech: "Ok, we reset it."
Paco: "Reset it? I said power cycle. We wanted to do that first. That's when you turn the power off, wait a few seconds, and then turn it back on."
Tech: "I know."
Paco: "So why did you reset when I told you to power cycle?"
Tech: "Didn't think it was a big deal."

At this point I began to get frustrated. We get a finite amount of resets on these things before their EPROM turns to a puddle of cow shit, and my techs, despite every beating I give them, seem to think that the first thing you have to do for ANY problem is reset the modem for some ungodly amount of time. The reason this asshole messaged me is for help, so what the fuck am I here for if he won't do what I tell him to fucking DO!? And he's just an indicator, I've got others that ask me a question, and when I give them the PART of the answer they want to hear, they close the window!

We don't give these people ANY FUCKING INFORMATION. We don't have ANY GOOD GODDAMNED FUCKING WAY they can check their OWN goddamned notes for the trouble ticket, Our speed test is a fucking KINDERGARTEN FAIRY TALE, the TRAINING is so FUCKING convoluted that by the end of it they can't figure out what a goddamned IP address IS, our 'universal' order status system has failure codes we're not told about, can't find information about, and can't call anyone about, and yet THESE impetuous little arrogant cocksuckers have the fucking ABILITY to CLOSE THE FUCKING WINDOW when I'm trying to tell them that a fucking 10.x IP ADDRESS isn't something you fucking call MICRO-FUCK-SOFT FOR!

And to top it all off, the bullshit software was written by some halfass jackass who was obviously high on fucking quaaludes, so when the idiot tech closes the idiot window, it can crash my session because it doesn't understand how to fucking use javascript! They could have taken IRC and removed '/ignore' from the client. They could have used ICQ pre-AOL. They could have used fucking homing fuck pigeons for all I fucking care, just as long as it's not written by some fucking consultant committee that makes $70 an hour to take 30 lines of code to express the fucking ENTER key! But no, we have to be concerned with 'security' so we have to get something that's written in fucking FORTRAN that doesn't have any fucking control with a server capacity of about 300 (for about 700 employees in this center alone) and windows that the fucking techs can close when we're trying to help them, and no fucking command to shock them until they piss themselves.

And you know what, I could put up with all this if they gave us that, too. Just some fucking authority, because their ignorant fucking supervisors aren't doing a good god damned thing to control them, EVER, short of taking away fans or MP3 players ("OH FUCKING NO, GOOD MORALE IS BAD FOR BUSINESS! LET'S HAVE A WESTERN DRESS UP DAY INSTEAD! WOOO FUCKING HOO!"), and don't have to deal with these ignorant little shits, and yet believe THEM over US, and even TELL THEM to break the rules! THE SUPERVISORS. And we can't take ONE BAT to these nincom-fucking-poops?! We don't give out raises or bonuses or shit like that, so obviously the carrot is out of the picture on this, so give us some fucking STICKS man! STICKS so I can beat these asses like they DESERVE! MAKE IT A FUCKING 'MORALE' DAY FOR THE FUCKING LEVEL 3'S, YOU JACKASSES. YOU WANT TO MAKE IT FUCKING WESTERN DAY, FINE, GIVE US FUCKING BULLWHIPS AND A LYNCHIN' TREE!

Date: 2006-04-28 05:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xforge.livejournal.com
Paco: "So why did you reset when I told you to power cycle?"
Tech: "Didn't think it was a big deal."


How far away from you is this "tech" (I use the term loosely)? 'Cuz if he'd been in the same fricking area code as me, and said that to me, he'd now be naught but pinkish goo in my boot treads. Seriously.

Also, you understated the suck-nosity of Westell DSL modems. They really, really suck. They suck so hard they make a black hole look like a sniffle. They're the 1979 Chevette of the modem world.

Date: 2006-04-28 05:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] major-error.livejournal.com
"Also, you understated the suck-nosity of Westell DSL modems. They really, really suck. They suck so hard they make a black hole look like a sniffle. They're the 1979 Chevette of the modem world."

I'll have to remember that. I suppose I should be happy SBC/AT&T sold Siemens SpeedStream modems with the self-install kit when I subscribed. It establishes a connection, and that's it--no added functions (that's what a NAT box is for!) Beats the crap out of the 2-Wire turd my former roomate was saddled with.

/me hands the_paco a Cluebringer

Date: 2006-04-28 06:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jarad.livejournal.com
I bought a batch of those SpeedStream modems once to try out. Out of the 10 we bought, something like 7 or 8 were DoA or shortly thereafter.

Date: 2006-04-29 02:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spacebird.livejournal.com
I hate SpeedStream DSL modems and I really hate SpeedStream ethernet PCMCIA NIC's. Both just generally suck.

Date: 2006-04-29 02:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spacebird.livejournal.com
just curious, why didn't you like the 2wire? I love mine.

Date: 2006-04-28 05:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xforge.livejournal.com
p.s. this is a fucking great post. Fucking seriously.

Date: 2006-04-29 04:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jahbulon.livejournal.com
Seconded. Good to see people are keeping that rage alive man.

Date: 2006-04-28 05:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thalionar.livejournal.com
oh, holy fucking shit, man.

I totally feel for you!

:(

*hands Paco a margarita rimmed with valium*

Hope your Friday starts early...

Date: 2006-04-28 06:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jperegrine.livejournal.com
I do believe I recognize the hell you work for. Mentor level at ***vista working for *****on DSL support?

Date: 2006-04-28 09:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jperegrine.livejournal.com
Heh. I put up with the place for a very short time before getting the hell out. Much happier doing tech writing for Anti-Virus products in Plano.
(deleted comment)

Date: 2006-04-29 04:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jperegrine.livejournal.com
So you do! /grin

Date: 2006-04-28 06:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kingogre.livejournal.com
You poor poor bastard, I mean shit I've worked for some BAD places and stuff but nothing like that.


Just keel them, keel them all!!

Could just bring your own tech stick in... *aka baseball bat*

Date: 2006-04-28 07:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pope-guilty.livejournal.com
Oh god. I'm looking at getting back into tech support this summer.

*prays for Versalinks*

Date: 2006-04-28 09:05 pm (UTC)

Date: 2006-04-28 11:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ihateemo.livejournal.com
WTH @ IRC crashing. Why not use a client like BitchX or Xchat? I'm sure you have a good reason (you're no dummy, that's obviously the case). Probably half-assed CTO/management being dumbasses.

My condolensces. I have actually slapped a tech over the head that said something similar to me once. :)

Date: 2006-04-29 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] olafthunderfoot.livejournal.com
~hands you a plate of tacos and a beer~ sounds like the management where i work!

Date: 2006-04-30 10:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] megpie71.livejournal.com
If it weren't for the fact you're on a completely different continent, I'd guess you worked for the same mob I do.

/passes large amounts of alcohol and a large cluebat

You may be able to find some use for these.

Date: 2006-05-02 10:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theogrin.livejournal.com
We have a modem for my DSL company. It's called Westell.

At this point, I cringed, and it only got worse from there. Ye gods. *hands the_paco a bottle of Blue Label* Cheer up. Sooner or later they'll forget how to breathe.

Date: 2006-05-11 07:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meandean.livejournal.com
Wow... I've never seen anyone "channel" Huck Finn's pappy on LJ before.
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