You are not a unique snowflake

[omg-teh-funnay.livejournal.com]

I hate people that want special treatment. Using the phrase "I'm losing thousands of dollars a day" is not going to get it from me. Really. Case in point:



*Ring*
Me: Thanks for calling $comapny, this is OMG, how can I help you?
EU: This is End Luser, I talked to you last week. Remember me?
Me: Ah, yes. How can I help you, Mr Luser?
EU: Yeah, I got the new laptop, after it was sent to Florida instead of Maine, the data recovery CD is corrupted, it won't let me install it and there's a crack on the right front left side <- actual quote -> of the case. If I *press on it, the hard drive makes a squealing noise and the computer shuts down* Here, listen!
Lappy: OMG, please save me from the bad man!!!!!!
EU: This is unacceptable! I can't enter loans! I've lost over $17,000 because I can't use this thing! I demand that you give me a new laptop. One of the brand new ones, not a serviced used one.
Me (inside voice): Have you tried NOT pressing on the hard drive?
Me: Well, unfortunately, we're only the break/fix team. We don't have access to the brand new systems, you have to go through your manager for that.
EU: You don't understand. I'm in the President's Club - I'm one of the top producers, and I want a new one
Me: Really, I'm sorry. We cannot provide new equipment. There's a process to get a new one sent out, but we don't have access to it
EU: You're going to get me one. Talk to your manager. I want this fixed! This is unacceptable, I deserve better equipment
Me: Tell you what, I'll talk to my manager about this.
*click*

Mr Stalker-man got my number from his callerID when I talked to him last week - I'm not even the tech that was supposed to fix this. I'm technically not a technician at this point. He also managed to find my manager's phone number and let HIM a message, too.

You know what? I don't care if you say you're the Queen of England. My process is Break/Fix only. I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO NEW LAPTOPS. My manager doens't have access to new laptops. If it were possible for you to get a brandy-new shiny IBM ThinkPad T43 form me, I'd have a process for it. I don't. Stop asking.

Additionally, if you're so fucking cool and make so much money for $really_big_bank and are one of the top loan officers, then your manager would be firehosing goodies on you, like a new laptop. You, Mr End Luser, are trying to cow me into caving to your demands. Maybe you got a little winkie. Maybe your mommy didn't hug you enough. I don't know, and I don't care.

Fuck you.
And thank you for calling.

Comments

[sheryls.livejournal.com]

Maybe you got a little winkie. Maybe your mommy didn't hug you enough. I don't know, and I don't care.

ahahah, that just made my afternoon :D

[omg-teh-funnay.livejournal.com]

Happy to help. I needed the catharsis

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

Sheryls!!! Were you always in this community? :D

[sheryls.livejournal.com]

haha no! but someone (i think nate? paul? someone) linked it i started reading it. i noticed you were posting too! :D

[docjeff.livejournal.com]

I should like to have sent him a Tandy Model 100 with a note, "Dear Mr. Luser: This is the new laptop you requested. We are authorised to send only the models which match up with your level of mental acuity. I hope you enjoy your new laptop. Sincerely, $moi."

[pixeltwist.livejournal.com]

Not even a Tandy. Send him one of those cute V-tech toy computers that make animal sounds and teach you how to spell.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Etch-a-sketch.

[benatwork.livejournal.com]

"Press-the-flerp-key-then-press-enter!"

[omg-teh-funnay.livejournal.com]

Huh... He must have had a Damascus Road experience... he just called me back, was calm, friendly and compliant... I explained the alternate "Buy a new laptop" process, and he was thankful for my assistance.

I fear he was kidnapped by polite aliens.

Keep them in line...

[tecie.livejournal.com]

" EU: This is End Luser, I talked to you last week. Remember me?
Me: Ah, yes. How can I help you, Mr Luser? "
If you don't mind my random nitpicking:
One of the biggest mistakes is in the afformentioned quote.
Never let them know that you remember them. EVER. Even if you just spoke to them 10 minetes ago. It disorients them.
Make them feel like another number in the progression.
One of my favorite helpdesks to work on had the greeting:
" Support. May I please have your serial number?"
It lets them know that they're not special. And that they're in the system. We know everything about them. :-)

Re: Keep them in line...

[omg-teh-funnay.livejournal.com]

Doesn't work in a deskside environment, for the most part. Calling someone by their username is considered rude here.

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

Man, I get that all the time. People don't seem to realize a difference between tech support (we fix things), procedures (you have to deal with xyz org for this) and do my job for me (what account number should I enter in this spread sheet?). Gah, I hate users.

[omg-teh-funnay.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, I *DON'T* hate users as a general rule. As the guy who gets to pass out tickets, I also get to take the ones I want to work for myself. I dig on getting up from my desk every so often and going into the field and fixing something. I like talking to people and interacting with our user base. I even (horror of horrors) socialize with some of them.

Do I lose my tech card for that?

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

Ok, I admit to getting some satisfaction from fixing a real problem, but the users that should know better (I work at a corporate research park-smart people) and are just bull headed and get my scorn. And an imaginary Compaq Proliant rack server smashed on their head.

[annamaryse.livejournal.com]

ha ha then don't go work where I used to work... our software was in use by the movie business... and those people were all about being special...

I had this one woman one day actually say to me "Listen, I'm not just some schoolteacher out in the midwest somewhere... we're making a movie, do you understand?"

Well, thing was, those school teachers out in the midwest? They paid the same price for our software as she did. Hehe.

[dkphoenix.livejournal.com]

I used to support an antiquated line of mainframes. We offered complete support, hardware and whatever godforsaken OS they decided to put on them, as well. One of our customers was a very large cable movie network that also produces their own content. The "tech" contact at that company was infamous for her utter and total lack of knowledge as well as her high pitched, nasal, scratchy voice, her colorful and profane vocabulary, and her truly astounding arrogance.

Oh yeah. And they ran NT 3.0.

[annamaryse.livejournal.com]

NT joyous!

[dirtymatt.livejournal.com]

I'd also argue that those school teachers are contributing more to society.

[annamaryse.livejournal.com]

They were certainly more important to our company -- cuz they made their students use our software... so each teacher could be responsible for our company selling what ?? 50 or so software licenses per semester. Do the math, who did we care about more!

[canray.livejournal.com]

I work for Residential Cable Internet. Residential. As in "Not Business".

So I just smile when someone goes, "I'm losing thousands of dollars, and your company is going to pay me for my losses!"

I can go, "Nope. We aren't. You know that end user agreement that you signed when you got our service? You might have missed the part that says this service is for entertainment purposes only, and that we are not responcible for losses due to using it, illegally, I might add, for business purposes. Oh, and because you've said to me that you're using it for a business, I'm now putting forward a disconnection of your services as you have broken our agreement. However, I will be nice, and transfer you over to our Commercial Sales Department, and they'll see about getting you installed with that service. Thank you, and learn to keep your trap shut."