Stupid lines

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

Customer Statement: "That doesn't do me any good if I can't get online!" (In response to our closing where we hawk the website)
Answer: "Wow. I've never heard that before. Especially not 35-60 times per day. Your rapier wit truly astounds me." (since "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUH" would be too subtle)

Customer Statement: "You wanted me to type X" (where X = anything you didn't say, wherein the ignorant customer fills in whatever seems 'logical', and is universally wrong. They usually don't tell you they do it, either.)
Answer: "If I had wanted you to type X, I would have said X. Don't assume, it makes an ass out of you and leaves me pristine."

Customer Statement: "I already did all this!" (Translation: I haven't done shit except pull my pud for the 45 minutes I had to listen to Yanni just to get to you, my brain and memory is now spoiled tapioca, and my maturity has been reduced to that of an impatient 12 year old.)
Answer: "I don't care. It obviously didn't work, or else you wouldn't be calling and listening to my beautiful and moving voice. You were a bad monkey, so now we're going to ignore everything you've done and we're going to do it RIGHT. Don't make it take longer by thinking you can speak."

Customer Statement: "... I'm at work." (usually preceeded by 'I can't get online', for a residential DSL at their home.)
Answer: "Wow, so now you wasted my time, your time, AND your bosses time. Go you! Better hope they're not listening in!"

Customer Statement: Tech: "Is the phone line that the modem is using connected to a filter, a splitter, or an extension-"
Customer: "It's connected to a filter." (this statement usually interrupts me, is said with much authority, and is wrong.)
Answer: "Are you sure?" "Yes!" "Well, the modem cannot be connected through a filter, so go ahead and disconnect that." "Are you sure?" "As sure as you were." *CLICK* Bzzzzzz "Guess you should've paid attention."

Customer Statement: "This worked like this before!"
Answer: "I'm quite certain that for some time your DSL was able to limp along as it is. However, when you call us and say 'it no werk' with gum-smacking, mouth-breathing retardation oozing from every horrifically articulated word, I have to try to eliminate anything that could be the problem. Thus I must make sure you remove it from the 30 foot Wal-Mart phone extension, filter, 4-way 3rd-party splitter, other extension cord, dachshund ass, UFO, '70s era NSA bug, Hoffa-eyeball, and your 10-year-old childs diaper before I can claim without bursting into derisive laughter that the problem could exist on our side. I could not give less of a shit about your situation if God Himself came down and handed me a little stone tablet with 'the 300,000 mile cable heading up into the light isn't causing the problem', because aside from all that shit, the only thing I can blame is YOU for being so astoundingly asstarded as to think you could connect to 8 splitters and a rotary phone from the 40's and still get DSL."

Comments

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

I had a guy once who was running through a 25-ft phone cord to a TiVo box, then two splitters, a filter, and then another 50 feet to an extension, then another fifty feet out a window and down two stories to the NID.

I wanted to cry.

[lil-pink-pixie.livejournal.com]

wow.

[jecook]

And he still had dialtone? that's amazing right there. Granted, Dialtone will work on barded wire and fence post, but that's just stupid what a cheap asshat for not getting a small roll of cable and doing it (marginally) better.

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

He was a cheap asshat for not calling Analogue Repair and getting a sufficient number of jacks.

[jecook]

That much was already figured out. A package of 100 ft Cat3 cable and a screw jack ain't that expensive from Radio Shack...

Me, I use Cat 5 for all my in house cableing needs: data/voice/alarm It's just easier that way...

[vitaminacetone.livejournal.com]

haha, and did he act like he had NO idea why his DSL wasn't working?

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

"But it's worked for months like this! The physical setup is fine! Move on to the next step!"

[vitaminacetone.livejournal.com]

LOL, I think I had that guy when I was doing DSL tech support. Just one reason I don't do that anymore *shiver*

[thalionar.livejournal.com]

because no one ever runs over the cords with the vacuum cleaner and your chihuahua doesn't chew on the splitter

[usekh.livejournal.com]

Heh a colleague beat all.

Bush engineer used his electric fence to carry the phone signal to his shed :) now that was impressive in a scary way.

[jecook]

very scary.

[morningside.livejournal.com]

You forgot 'I'm not in front of my computer right now, but could you tell me what might be wrong with it?' Jesus.

[krrayn.livejournal.com]

gum-smacking, mouth-breathing retardation

That one made me cackle out loud.

I also like your interpretation of "assume."

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

"Over the splitters, past the Hoffa eyeball, out the dachshund ass... nuthin' but Net."

[brotherflounder]

Re: Your LJ-cut caption

No, you don't come off as bitter.