No, dear caller...

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

No, dear caller, I am not stupid. You are merely attempting (and badly, at that) to use a Brand New Feature one of our project managers decided to unleash upon the network last Wednesday, and for which we have been given scant documentation. You may be surprised to know that you are the Very. First. Caller. for this feature, and none of us here will be able to support you at our usual lightspeed pace until we get familiar with what is likely to break, and manage to corner the project manager in a dark alley to extract his inside... knowledge.

In short, the fact that you cannot communicate your problem coherently is not my fault. The fact that you think you know technojargon when you don't is also not my fault. You cannot speak to anyone else, for the very FEW people who have had more training than me on this issue do not want to talk to you.

I do not care that you think you are important.
I do not care that you think the communications problem is on my end of the line.
No, I will not be transferring you to anyone else. They hate you already.

And finally, hanging up was not a good idea. I have already IM'ed the entire desk with your name, telling them to put you back through to me if you call back.

You're MINE.

Comments

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

We have a Brand New Feature at work here too, that accounts for about 1/3 of my total call volume per day. We discovered that it was created to avoid problem tickets to a different group, not to avoid calls to us. We're still just in charge of fielding the calls from the irate people.
I love the "timesaving features" they're always creating that do not save time for us or for the customers. They only save time for Tier II and up.

[samwize.livejournal.com]

Go get `im, son. Way to....uh... "take ownership of a problem".

[jecook]

manage to corner the project manager in a dark alley to extract his inside... knowledge.

Delete knowledge. Add letter 's' to end of inside.

That's the normal way of getting information out of a project manager... ::snicker::

[jecook]

Oh, and do it slowly, for maximum effiency.

[dk.livejournal.com]

man, you are sadistic. i love it.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

I learnt that trick from a couple of years back when... (long story)...

Essentially, a rather ethics-lite contracting company were about to get my gf's name on their books (although she hadn't signed anything yet), and they were also looking to fill a job at my workplace. As she heard about it through me and could talk to my boss' boss direct, said boss decided to hire her as permanent staff (at a higher end-salary) directly instead of as a contractor through this company.

The company started phoning her, saying she must have heard about the job through them and so she owed them X% of her salary. They effectively harassed her for far too many days - not via the boss, for he excused himself from the company's snitfit, but directly phoning, emailing, faxing at the workplace etc.

This made me... less than happy.

So in an effort to save my own vicarious sanity, I took over as her "representative". Every effort they made to contact her got forwarded to me - she didn't see them, hear from them, or have any contact with them. Any phone calls from them were rerouted to me without conversation. Any emails ditto. If they called the workplace asking for her, they got me.

No, they could not talk to her. They could talk to me. No, I would not forward on their complaints, their whining, their pathetic legal threats, their lack of paperwork (remember, nothing had ever been signed with these guys), or their attempts to 'offer her another position'. If they thought they had a position she was suited for, I replied, I would personally evaluate it first. Without telling her. They threatened to sue the Boss.

I still relish being able to say "We're a two-billion-dollar-a-year government department. Give it your best shot."

What was even more hilarious was that the Boss was so happy not to be paying contracting fees that he let me use his office for being rude to these people. On one call that was transferred to me, the guy eventually hung up, then rung the Boss's number, launching into a five-minute spiel about how he had been put through to the rudest person and so forth. Unfortunately for him, I was in the Boss's office at the time, and had picked up the phone.

I almost killed myself not laughing until he wound down, then said "You're still talking to him. Shall I inform your employer you slander people behind their backs? Great negotiating tactic, there. And BTW, you're still not talking to gf."

That game was an absolute blast. For the first time in my professional career, I had someone to whom I could be totally, utterly, mind-bogglingly RUDE with the full blessing of management, the force of my own righteous indignation, and the knowledge that they had nothing but wind to blow. Years of keeping silent in the face of mindless drivel prattled at me by overpaid idiots welled up, and I let this guy have it with both barrels in a myriad of highly entertaining ways. He was my stress ball - I could hang up on him whenever I wanted, slap him around verbally, piss on his pathetic intimidation attempts and let him know I would be doing it all over again tomorrow.

I think I destressed more thoroughly in those weeks than ever before. I was almost sorry when I finally burnt him out. His boss called me once, talked only long enough to confirm that I knew they had less leverage than a greased sack of custard, and cut her losses.

[krrayn.livejournal.com]

*sniff*

You have tasted the dream, man!

solidarity, yo.

:D