Take back the power!

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

You know that if the EU gets control of a call, your life becomes hell. But just as there are a thousand ways for a caller to earn a penalty reboot, there are a thousand little ways we can keep the call under tight control, even when the caller is completely deranged.

These range from the tiny methods (waiting two seconds before answering a call, waiting two seconds after picking up before answering) to the everyday (keeping up a volley of questions, filling inviting silences with random announcements, having a range of stock phrases to keep the call on the rails) to the superstructural (having your own policy on what's acceptable and what's not, hanging up when there is obviously no more useful information to be exchanged, knowing when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em).

What if the caller's high, apoplectic, the Boss's Boss, a salesweenie, or just wants to blather on and on? What's the best trick, phrase or policy you've ever used to keep call times short, diagnose and resolve problems ASAP, and pare the call down to the absolute minimum?

Comments

[pisceandreamer.livejournal.com]

I'm software support for a relational database program...

The best thing to get someone off the phone (mainly because they are being whiny and horrid...) is to use the phrase...

"We'll we're going to have to pull your tables and see what's going on."

One of two things then happens:
- They decide to be honest and tell me what they did
- I at least get off the phone with them and get to deal with their DBA while I figure out what they did...

[ladynisa.livejournal.com]

I do dsl support.

If customers are being wishy-washy about how things have been working, if they are registered, etc, I tell them that I'll have to send them to Account Information (aka India) so that they can figure out exactly what they have to work with.

If they are being wishy-washy about doing what I want them to technically, or about helping me figure out what went wrong, I tell them that my internet works, I'm going to go home and play WoW to my heart's content, you are the one with the problem, you are the one who can't get online, so you need to help me figure out whats going on, follow the instructions I give you to HELP you, or call back some other time, when you're in a more cooperative mood.

That usually gets people going on the right track.

[reynardo.livejournal.com]

Annoying caller has started blabbing about the colour of their dog, the importance of the connection and/or how high up in the company they are.

Your Tech Support Goddess: "Look, I hate to interrupt you, but could you tell me thing*? It is? oh good - then let's do ..."

YTSG has control once more!

* thing = state of something on the modem or computer, not necessarily important but will break their flow of babble

[tmercenary.livejournal.com]

I do internal support for a banking institution. We've had our customer contact reps for our customers get baffled by a salesman, and transfer the call to us. I love these calls, because this person has no relation with us, and if they want to establish one, need to follow proper procedures, not contacting our telephone reps and baffling them with BS about computer security issues that don't exist.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Yup. I love messing with salesweasels' heads.

"Sorry, we already have an internal software division that creates all the software we need. We don't need a long-distance plan because we don't have any phones. And our printers don't use toner, they use powdered ocelot. Bye."

[xdownfornowx.livejournal.com]

the many one-liners of Nick Burns. the man was a poor, misunderstood torured soul. but a genious none the less.