(no subject)

[tmercenary.livejournal.com]

From the recent posts, it seems an abnormally larger then usual number of community members have been having a rough week. Therefore, I am reposting something I put in here about six months ago, with a few new additions. (Thanks to those who submitted suggestions.) Please feel free to redistribute where needed.

1. Not allowed to refer customers to http://www.societyforchaostheory.org/ when explaining managements policies
2. I am not allowed to fine management for things they do that waste the company money
3. I Cannot fire managers
4. Am not allowed to change the hold music to Slayers "Hell Awaits" on our phone system
5. Am not allowed to change the hold music, period
6. Not to address Senior management as "Lord Vader"
7. I am not the founder of the "Help Desk Call Monkey Liberation Front"
8. Customers who swear, use vulgarity, and say rude or offensive things to agents are not to be forwarded to 900 numbers
9. Turn around time for a desk-side tech is no way influenced by how big a dish of candy user has on their desk
10. I did not wave a magic wand to fix the server
11. I did not press a magic button to fix the server
12. I did not click my heels, use ritual magic, or anyway use magic to fix the server
13. Despite what is in the database, I am not the administrator for all servers in Georgia
14. In order to get procedure changed, I need concrete, 100% proof that it will work. Management however can change procedure on a whim
15. Management always has "reasons I don't understand" for screwing up procedures that worked fine before, and I am not allowed to know why
16. I am not the God of sneaking around the firewall
17. I am not allowed to sneak around the firewall
18. Policy is for users to lock their XP Operating system when away from their desk, and I am not to enforce policy by changing wallpapers, passwords, or sound schemes on peoples systems, least of all management
19. Am not allowed to require users to "pass" an IQ test before I provide tech support
20. When the phone system is broken, down, or malfunctioning, I am not allowed to leave the phones unattended to go fix it without direct permission from a manager.
21. Rage Against the Machines “Bulls on Parade” is not appropriate music to play when senior management does a walkthrough
22. Not allowed to solicit funds for the “Buy management a clue” fund
23. Not allowed to send senior managements office address and floor number to terrorist organizations
24. I am required to send management an email when a major tool is down, example, the email system.
25. Not allowed to sign people up for online remedial reading courses
26. Not allowed to move the coffee maker machine by my desk. (I won this one yesterday. They switched machines that make coffee in those giant push/pump thermos’s)
27. Not allowed to set users passwords to “1d10-T”
28. Not allowed to set users passwords to “PEBKAC”  (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
29. Not allowed to set users passwords to “eye4Get”
30. Cannot Condemn users as infidels for installing AOL on their work computer
31. Cannot Condemn users as infidels for any reason
32. Not allowed to mess with the satellite uplink that feeds the live/current stock price of the company stock to the internal home page for employees
33. I am not Amish
34. Not allowed to curse users in Klingon
35. Not allowed to curse users in any language, especially if they know it
36. Not allowed to refer to Information Security group as “Network Nazi’s”
37. Do not crack SQL jokes in front of the DBA’s.
38. The server monitoring team is not trying to steal my IP address
39. Just because I’ve worked on a ranch, competed  in a rodeo, and am a proficient horseman, I am not allowed to play “Cowboys and Indians” with our call center in India
40. not allowed to convert call center into a hockey arena at night
41. Not allowed to borrow access to the personnel database in order to find out who makes how much money.
42. Not allowed to create new access to personnel database.
43. Not allowed to crack jokes while on bridge calls.
44. Not allowed to conference in Pizza delivery while on bridge call
45. Bridge calls are not to be used to ask philosophical questions to managers on the call.
46. No longer allowed to join bridge calls
47. No longer allowed to create bridge calls
48. New call agents are not to be hazed.
49. Duct tape is no longer allowed at work
50. Not allowed to reroute Executive support line to call center in India, “so that Upper management can experience first hand the fine job India is doing.”
51. Not allowed to deny users access to tools they have no training in using, no matter how mission critical that tool is.
52. Not allowed to mirror data on a server I need access to during my shift, even though the server is down during half my shift every night
53. Not allowed to use sick time to “Journey to Mordor to destroy the one ring”
54. Not allowed to use sick time to take a shortcut and throw it in Mt. St. Helens
55. The bottom level of the parking garage is not to be rented out as a skateboard park on weekends
56. The Office Admin assistant who is in charge of ordering coffee and supplies is no ones “Sugar Daddy”
57. Scientific experiments are not to be conducted in the break room microwave
58. Not allowed to rent out space on company web server
59. Not allowed to inquire to managers if they smoke crack.
60. Not allowed to inquire to users if they smoke crack.
61. Not allowed to do victory dance when I can solve issues 2nd and 3rd tier support groups cannot.
62. Satan does not live in the VPN server.
63. Gnomes do not live in the VPN server
64. Not allowed to dispatch desk side techs with the comment “release the hounds”
65. Not allowed to dispatch desk side techs with the comment “Sick ‘em boys”
66. The Starbucks on the east side of the building is not plotting against the Starbucks on the West side of the building
67. Not allowed to trade my stock options for a first round draft pick
68. My job title is not “King of the Night Time World”
69. Not allowed to run Unreal Tournament server over network, despite fact that management was the ones playing on it
70. Not allowed to tell employee’s where good well vented hiding spots to smoke pot are located
71. I am not fighting a Master Control Program (MCP) from within the computer system
72. The paycheck fairy only visit’s every other week, period
73. Not allowed to create bots to answer the internal web based chat client
74. the India call center is not a sitcom
75. Not allowed to park in managements reserved parking spots when they are on vacation. They may want to park there while they go to the baseball game. (Policy says not to use company provided parking for personal business on days off of work.)
76. Management is allowed to monitor my calls, but I am not allowed to monitor theirs
77. Management is not involved in a conspiracy with the Aliens, Masons, the smoking man, the government, the illuminati, or McDonalds against me.
78. not allowed to “Fast Forward” time on the domain controller, especially near the end of my shift
79. Not allowed to setup an auto reply to email stating that it will be answered in accordance with how much they donate to my Paypal account.
80. Not allowed to sacrifice a goat to appease the gods of the network.
81. Not allowed to sacrifice any animal to appease the gods of the network.
82. Apparently I believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy, as I am told they are as real as the gods of the network
83. Regarding the company CIO, she does not resemble Napoleon
84. Users upstairs are not to be instructed to drop their broken machines out the window so that I may catch it and repair it for them.
85. People from accounting are not to be referred to as “Dr. Beans”
86. Apparently I can trust analysts further then I can throw them.
87. Not allowed to throw analysts.
88. Not allowed to call server farm and ask “is your server running….Then you better catch it.”
89. There is no “I” in Server
90. The number of awards, certifications, and trophies on some ones desk is not indirectly proportional to their IQ.
91. The “From” line in the email is to contain my address, or in case of a department ran report, the general address of the department. No exceptions.
92. The Liquor store across the street is not an acceptable place to hang out during my breaks.
93. The Bar down the street is not an acceptable place to hang out during my lunch
94. Not allowed to mention the strip club down the block
95. I am not allowed to approve other employee’s vacation requests, even though I have the access to do so.
96. The voices in my head do not over ride managements decisions
97. Even though the building over looks the Sea-Fair Parade route, I cannot rent out employee’s desks during the parade.
98. The Cable room is for holding network equipment. It is not my personal amusement park
99. People do not get promoted for sucking up to management. They do get promoted however, for buying managers drinks, dinner, show/game tickets, and agreeing with everything that management says.
100. Not allowed to hack the Gibson
101. not allowed to rename the server to "company_name_Gibson”
102. There is in fact, a spoon.
103. The transfer line from the India call center will not be redirected to the managers desk.
104. The transfer line from the India call center will not be redirected to the Karaoke machine rental company.
105. The transfer line from the India call center is not to be redirected at all.
106. Not allowed to use “Sneaker-net” to send files to our Hawaii office.
107. We do not support home wireless networking with your company laptop, but the IT department  intranet page has an instruction document on how to set it up.
108. Graveyard shift (Myself) is not allowed to turn volume to maximum on computer speakers,  leave computer on and monitor off after setting “Family Guy” sound files to play when management emails us during the day.
109. There is not a group of users who make it a point to all call in at the same time, 2-3 minutes before my scheduled breaks. (evidence indicates otherwise)
110. Cubicle golf is not to be played with a driver, 9 iron, or cricket bat. However putters are ok.
111. We are still required to document troubleshooting if a desk side tech calls in a ticket for a user and asks us to stick it in their queue for them to document.
112. You get an award ribbon if your reviews are perfect for the month. Five months of perfect scores will get you a $5 gift certificate. Hence, I have made my own award ribbons. Management is yet to ask or comment on why they read “Warrior of Valhalla” on them.
113. The band is not allowed to hold practice in the call center.
114. The computer is not an altar of worship, even though people treat it as such by hanging pictures, stuffed animals, and memorabilia on the monitor.
115. Computers do not experience emotional pain and suffering, and any lawsuit filed against a user on a computers behalf is therefore frivolous.
116. Not allowed to adjust my schedule to “account for daylight savings time”
117. Since graveyard shift is small, only one person is allowed to be on vacation at a time. When I went on vacation, they had other graveyard crew work overtime to cover. However, apparently after I came back from vacation, the rest of the graveyard crew were all allowed to take a vacation for the week at the same time, leaving me alone at night.
118. The baseball game at the stadium five blocks away starts at 7pm. The garage closes at 8pm. Not allowed to use my parking garage key and charge “event parking” for three bucks less then all the other parking garages in the area offering event parking.
119. I am not a Cardinal, therefore will not be allowed to take a leave of absence to go to the Vatican and elect a new Pope.

 

Comments

[mawz.livejournal.com]

I guess someone decided to riff on Skippy's List. And it's damned near as good.

[tmercenary.livejournal.com]

I was influenced to see what I could get away with after first reading his list. It's always a work in progress.

[fuego.livejournal.com]

120. Despite the fact that I can get away with throwing things at two of the supervisors on my floor and giving them the finger, under no circumstances should I attempt to get away with such things with the third supervisor.
121. Not allowed to put the morons on hold to take a coffee break.
122. not allowed to start the moron on a hardware test and THEN put them on hold while it runs for a coffee break.
123. not alowed to tell the moron "why yes, you do pay long distance charges to email out of state"
124. not allowed to sell special long distance email plans- now inclusing international emailing!
125. Not allowed to tell the moron precisely where he can go with his computer
126. Not allowed to mutter under my breath in one of several foreign languages
127. not allowed to mutter under my breath in english either
128. not allowed to program moron's computer with subliminal messages
129. Not allowed to sit my headset down next to my speakers when it's playing songs like "Fuck You" (But Billy Corgan is a musical genius!)
130. Not allowed to tell moron to "Stop trying to think. I am clearly the brains in this operation."
131. Not allowed to snicker when the customer says things that sound more like a sexual reference than a technical issue.

[caitriona27.livejournal.com]

"131. Not allowed to snicker when the customer says things that sound more like a sexual reference than a technical issue."

I still get picked on for the day I told a customer to Zip it up and take it upstairs. I needed him to take a copy of an app to a PC that was on another floor.

[tmercenary.livejournal.com]

124. not allowed to sell special long distance email plans- now inclusing international emailing!
---You might have found a new niche market....

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

From my own last couple of weeks:

* Not allowed to point out logical flaws in managerial presentations
* Not allowed to point out that new procedures are just like old procedures, only harder, slower, less flexible, with more red tape, and more likely to wreck our stats
* Not allowed to point out multiple spelling errors in managerial presentation
* Especially when they hired an external "quality consultant" to create it
* Not allowed to offer to buy the consultant a spellchecker
* Not allowed to point out that we have an internal QA person who could have done it on a tenth of the salary and with less errors
* Not allowed to ask if I can have the external consultant's quality job, as they're obviously not using it

* Not allowed to explain mindless I.T. policies to end-users, including the bits that contradict the other bits
* Not allowed to agree vociferously with users when they complain the policies make no sense
* Not allowed to give end-users the office phone number of the manager responsible for the policy
* Not allowed to give end-users the cellphone number of the manager responsible for the policy
* Not allowed to give users the home phone number of the manager responsible for the policy

* Not allowed to respond to poorly-worded requests for assistance with "I hear they have a cream for that now"
* Not allowed to respond to poorly-worded requests for assistance with "I hear they have a pill for that now"
* Not allowed to respond to poorly-worded requests for assistance with "I saw a porn movie like that once"

* I must remember that my colleagues' headset mikes can pick up loud sounds in the call centre, so asking other colleagues to cease throwing rubber balls to each other across the desks should not be done by booming "Will you guys stop playing with your balls for one second?" at top volume during our busiest period.

* I am not allowed to hunt down policy-makers and nail them into their offices
* I am not allowed to imitate William Shatner if the caller failed to listen to the service outage message
* I am not allowed to imitate Marvin the Paranoid Android if the caller failed to listen to the service outage message
* I am not allowed to imitate any fictional character for any reason
* I am not allowed to imitate real people for any reason
* Yes, "real people" includes my managers
* I am not allowed to make up original characters and imiate their voices for any reason either

* When the CEO sends an informational email to all 25,000 employees, it is not 'spam', and the CEO cannot be fined or jailed
* When the CEO asks for feedback, they don't mean from me
* Any feedback must not criticize over 250 separate points in the CEO's vision

* CEO emails must not be forwarded to the press along with my own criticisms
* CEO emails must not be forwarded to public web pages
* CEO emails must not be forwarded to public mailing lists
* CEO emails must not be forwarded anywhere, period

* CEO emails must not be printed out and 'accidentally' left where non-employees can see them
* CEO emails must not be photographed off the screen and 'accidentally' left where non-employees can see them
* CEO emails must not be lovingly rendered in oils on canvas and 'accidentally' left where non-employees can see them
* CEO emails are not to be seen by any non-employee, in any form whatsover, accidentally or otherwise

* CEO emails are not to be rendered into any non-visible form, including audio files, Braille, or smoke signals
* Even if the CEO did say exactly the same things at their press conference yesterday

[harry-whodunnit.livejournal.com]

* Not allowed to campaign for the coffee machine to get a 'milk, sugar, amphetamine' setting.
* We will all pretend I didn't offer to stock it myself.
* The blowjob is not a unit of currency anywhere in the known universe.
* Okay, maybe Amsterdam.
* Not allowed to annex the call centre in the name of Amsterdam.
* Casual dress policy includes pants.
* Not clown pants.
* Users do not need to be entertained by humming Metallica songs while PCs reboot.
* The Ops manager's name is not Spanky.
* Users with billing queries are not to be offered 'double or nothing' bets.
* Users do not have to guess my name.
* I am not a ninja.
* Any lettuces stored in my documentation drawer must be removed before the end of the week.
* Not allowed to hoard cutlery.
* No-one needs typed reports on my toilet breaks.
* The training programme for new hires does not conclude with a battle to determine alpha-male status.
* Not allowed to collect idiot tax.
* Setup CDs are not throwing stars.
* Not allowed to bring real throwing stars.
* I do not have an evil twin.
* My team leader does not have an evil twin.
* Or a good twin.
* Not allowed to answer the 2nd level phone as 'Mr Scary-Face'.
* Jesus cannot cover my shift.
* Not allowed to ask users to send me ice cream.
* A wet t-shirt contest will never be part of our marketing strategy.

[tmercenary.livejournal.com]

" A wet t-shirt contest will never be part of our marketing strategy."

have you been to one our sci-fi convention parties?

[tmercenary.livejournal.com]

" Casual dress policy includes pants."
Hmm...the Utilikilt store is on the way to work...

http://www.utilikilts.com/

[shryke.livejournal.com]

Pantsw!!! what self respecting gentleman wears pants? I ask you? Hell I play airsoft in my kilt. If I can gunfight in a kilt, I should be ok to fix computers in one.

[110billion.livejournal.com]

* Not allowed to answer the 2nd level phone as 'Mr Scary-Face'.
I got my supervisor to answer with "TSA Ya mum", a number of times. :D

SAY IT!

[(Anonymous)]

Why does it take the average user four times to describe a simple problem?

[guinevere33.livejournal.com]

132. I do not know kung-fu.

[abstrak-tokatl.livejournal.com]

133. if you do know kung-fu, don't use it.

[(Anonymous)]

...Except when all else fails and you think a swift kick to the server will get it working again.

[sidial.livejournal.com]

134. Not allowed to tell users that Agent Smith is in their computer, or that he is easily appeased by a new pair of sunglasses.

135. Not allowed to bemoan the fact that Elrond never says "Mr. Baggins" in the Fellowship of the Ring.

[110billion.livejournal.com]

110. Cubicle golf is not to be played with a driver, 9 iron, or cricket bat. However putters are ok.

No cricket bat? What fun is that?
How about with a hockey stick? :D

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

LOL I love it. I don't understand half of it, but THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

This kind of thing gets sent round in email forwards al the time. This is probably a better idea and takes up less space.

[binka4wing.livejournal.com]

* Am not allowed to say "the biggest security hole is between the users ears"
* Especially not to a user
* Especially not to a user with a virus

(or in my world of answering phones)

* When a client says 'and it's head just swelled up and burst!', they do not mean literally
* Cats on prozac make very cruisy clients