(no subject)

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

Customer: "Why do people make these viruses?"
Paco: "..."*thinks* Because they hate you, ma'am. With a passion your feeble faculties would never allow you to understand. An ignorant-yet-opinionated middle-american THING fresh off of AOL that can't seem to walk down the proverbial digital boulevard without smacking face first into a wrong way sign and then dialing up people like us to bitch about the sign. The only thing they like about you is the sound you make when you're angry and the digital 'klang' we hear on slashdot when they drop large things on groups of you from great heights. So they code the virus, they make the spyware, they put it on porn sites or game sites or something with a flash animation that says 'free', and your dumb-as-a-sack-of-toenail-clippings son/husband/'friend'/self downloads it. They do it to you because it's like kicking an ugly baby. And we love it.
Customer: "Hello? Why do they do that!?"
Paco: "I don't know ma'am. They have their reasons."

---

I realize I generalize quite a bit by assuming 75% of my customers are on the mental level of reasonably intelligent and yet very stoned chimpanzees. Unfortunately, that 75% has played their role with such vigor, such tenacity, and such unwavering devotion to being walking/talking disciples of asshattery that It sours me to humanity on a whole. I question our decision not to let Johnny Kennedy drop Marilyn's naked ass on the big red 'piss-us-off-some-russkies' button. I question it almost daily.

Who am I kidding, I was always soured on humanity. I love the job because it allows me to push myself to come up with new and creative ways to bitch.

Comments

[normal1.livejournal.com]

roflmao - bravo man.. bra...vo..

[ravenshrinkery.livejournal.com]

I actually tell them the most honest truth I can come up with - virus writers do it for their own sick pleasure. I would love to have a schmuck of a soul in our break room to abuse as we please (but we have to keep the schmuck alive) as penance for their crimes against digital society. They seem to like the philosophic approach I've found and to me that's what matters - it gets them off the call faster so I don't have to deal with it any longer than necessary. It is also a form of bitching I can get away with on the phone with customers :).

Spyware gets a similar treatment, but with the guise that these things only exist in the interest of profit. It's not psychotic in the way viruses are but rather purely motivated to convince a person to part with their shiny dollar. But like anyone that's out to make a fast buck in that fashion (theft, essentially), they're lazy. That's why half the time the stuff breaks your system. Kinda hard to get you to buy this crap if they hose your Net for you :).

I leave them with the thought it won't go away because even if we were to educate damn near everybody it wouldn't do any good because you'd get the one idiot out of 10,000 that makes the 419 scam, etc. worthwhile. Very often they do not sense how I just convinced them to part with $100 for a bundle of security software sometime between me telling them this and submitting the order, credit card given :).

I think it goes to prove the point in just who the one in 10,000 really are.

[geekgrrl-ca.livejournal.com]

I think part of the problem is that no one calls up to say hey it's working, I'm so happy. We hear from the x% of the customer base that fit the profile of stupid cause well they are stupid, the smart people don't call us for help.

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

That's the best way of putting it. I wish I could say that out loud!
:)

[jahbulon.livejournal.com]

GAAH!

Who am I kidding, I was always soured on humanity. I love the job because it allows me to push myself to come up with new and creative ways to bitch.

You're not allowed to say that! Take it back immediately! It's the job!

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

"Why do they do that?"

"As soon as they tell me, ma'am, I'll be sure to let you know."

[dmsalem00.livejournal.com]

"Spyware gets a similar treatment, but with the guise that these things only exist in the interest of profit."

Except CoolWebSearch, which just kills IE for no discernable reason other than "it can."

[dmsalem00.livejournal.com]

HAH...that's why I live in mortal fear of my computer breaking =/
I see dead computers...every day.

Hey kinda like "the sixth sense", but with machines..

[tjernobyl.livejournal.com]

I tell them that they're auditioning for jobs with spyware companies.

Really, I can't remember the last time a customer genuinely had a virus and not just spyware mucking stuff up.