The Job... the job...

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

What if R Lee Ermey did tech support? He'd probably sound like this: (Edit: He would also know how to write a damned HTML tag. I commit seppuku with a spork in shame.)

When you call tech support, that means one thing. You have signed away your decision making rights and complete power as a human being. You are now a monkey. As such you may now not make suggestions, demands, decisions, jokes, stories, loud noises, or even inquisitive sounds. You will get on my phone. I will ask "what seems to be the problem." You will give me a concise account on what CURRENTLY is wrong with your DSL. You will then shut up and not speak until spoken to. I will ask the questions. I will make the decisions. If I tell you there's a problem with the modem, you will not DARE question me. You will not say it's worked for a long time before. You will not say nothing has changed. You will say "Yes, sir. What do you want me to do?" We will go through a thorough testing process at the end of which you will walk away happy or knowing that you soon will be. You will tell me what you stupidly THINK the problem is. I will tell you what the problem ACTUALLY is. And then I will solve it for you.

Do to this we are best served by you SHUTTING YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. I don't want to hear details I don't ask for. I don't want to hear supposistion. I don't want to hear how you're a network tech, a company employee, a businessman, a president, very busy, dying, your feelings, your experiences, your weather, your opinion on the Cubs, what's on TV, what you do online, what you do offline, what kind of pets you have, what your boil sings to you in the dead of the night, or anything, ANYTHING (anything), involving Elvis, President Bush, God, or your beliefs of any of the above.

Yes, I'm that fucking good. Yes, it's my job to be that fucking good. And YES! YOUR SPYWARE-MAGNETIC, VIRUS-INFESTED, MONKEY-PUNCHING, SURVEY-TAKING, FREE-IPOD-WANTING, LJ-DRAMA WHORING, DELL-BUYING, MOUTH-BREATHING, MSN-USING, CHAT-ROOM TROLLING, "FIRST POST"ING DUMB ASS IS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR THIS FUCKING GOOD, SO DON'T FUCKING QUESTION ME YOU WORTHLESS SACK OF MONKEY SPUNK!

I WILL get your sorry ass online, and you WILL get back on AOL, and you WILL STUPIDLY think I've done you a favor. So do us both a favor and shut the fuck up while I help you prop your sad sorry little system back up and get it back on the internet. God knows if I were doing us a favor I'd toss you, your system, your children, and three of your entire family's previous generations under a truck. It would be an industrial trash compactor, but I'm really kind of scared of squishing your flabby masses into too tight an enclosure and accidentally discovering the critical mass of stupid.

Comments

[swwinchester.livejournal.com]

SIR! BRILLIANT, SIR!

[jahbulon.livejournal.com]

Amen brother.

[dpaul007.livejournal.com]

That's going on metaquotes.

[saintrigger.livejournal.com]

Back when I was a young grunt on a help desk, we all had a hard-on for the gunny and would often talk like him when not on the phone.

This brings back memories, and I'm glad to see it's not an isolated incident. :D

"This is my workstation... there are many like it, but this one is mine...."

[mizalon.livejournal.com]

laffo, that's funnier than the OP.

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

Dammit, I used to have a bulletin board post where someone had "transcripts" of an R. Lee Ermey-type tech support guy answering calls that you would've loved. I don't know if it's in my bookmarks, though. ;_;

Will have to check when I get home.

[ororo.livejournal.com]

*swoon*

[hemlock-martini.livejournal.com]

So very good.

[celyste.livejournal.com]

*applauds* Thank you!

oh... time for work... yay.

[sabrarosa.livejournal.com]

Well apparently all the tech guys I've ever spoken to are much less hostile than this one because we've almost always ended up chatting a bit and not because I started it either. I am always polite to the tech on the phone but if I were to get attitude, then I'd simply hang up. There is always another one out there willing to be polite.

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

It was probably me. I constantly get comments on how polite I am. I get about one 'kudos' a month (where customer demands a supervisor to tell them how good I'm doing). The customer never knows how much I want them to just give up and realize they're not cut out for this. I do this for the one in ten who don't sound like clueless chimps. The ones who you can tell are learning, or have just made a stupid mistake and know it, or know it's an issue on our side and know I have to prove to us that it's nothing on their side.

But rest assured, no matter how idiotic you can be when you're on my phone, if you are polite than I will be polite.

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

I feel the urge to laugh evilly now. Excuse me.

MUHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

[swwinchester.livejournal.com]

... that sounds like me. The only thing is, I had to master the art of both looking and sounding polite, even when I wanted to reach over the counter and eliminate cusotmers from the gene pool.

:: smirks :: I occasionally was called by the original group of guys I worked with "Bhudda" ... not for my weight or habits with illicit substances, but because no matter who the moron, how loud they got, etc., I would forgive them three times. (After that, I handed them to my supervisor ...)

[sabrarosa.livejournal.com]

Yup. One gets more flies with honey than with vinegar. I am always polite to people who are helping me. And I am more than willing to admit when I don't know what the hell I'm doing. What's funny is one neither of us can figure out what's wrong! *L*

[eldar-dragon.livejournal.com]

You obviously have issues. Good thing you quit then, eh?

Oh, and coming from a Microsoft XP Tech, tell your DSL tech associates to stop sending people to MS when there's nothing wrong with their OS. A flog is a flog, no matter what company you work for :p

Sometimes I really hate doing phone tech support. I definitely know how you feel.

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

Quit! hahahaha! Yes, I quit..... *cough*... for the day.

Nah, we don't send em to microsoft. We already know MS doesn't give a crap. We send em to the OEM, the people silly enough to offer a warranty on machines they send out with 20 extraneous programs in startup. Let them deal with it.

[eldar-dragon.livejournal.com]

Hey, I certainly give a crap, and I can say the same for most of the techs I work with. What's really fun is that you send them to the OEM, and they in turn flog them to us. I love dealing with those . . . "but my isp said this . . . gateway said this . . . " Shoot me in the head.

[diefbaby.livejournal.com]

That is just beautiful....*snfl*

I think I'm in love. <3