(no subject)

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

You can usually tell how bad my day is by the size of the red spot on my forehead. This comes not from a bursting blood vessel, but my own desk.


Me: "Thank you for calling dsl tech support, my name is Paco (yes, I actually say that), how may I help you?"
C: "Hi, I've got a real problem, I get knocked offline everytime I do this *click*"
Me: "Sir?"
*dialtone*
Not so bad.

Me: "What version of windows do you have?"
C: "Dell."
*THUD*
c: "What was that?"
Me: "Oh, nothing. Just dropped my headset."

Me: "Ok, this phone cable that connects the modem to the wall, does it go directly to the wall, or does it go through a filter?"
C: "It goes through a filter."
Me: "Just making sure, the MODEMS phone line connects to a FILTER. Trace it back for me to make sure that's the right phone cable."
C: "I know how this is hooked up, I did it myself. Don't talk down to me."
Me: "Ok then, the MODEM should not be connected to a filter, so if you're SURE that's the modem, unplug it. Be sure NOT to unplug the phone you're talking-"*CLICK*"-... sir?"
*THUD*

Me: "Ok, let's open up windows."
C: "I can't do that, it's snowing outside."
*THUD*

C: "Why do I have to plug this box into the phone line?! I told you, I ordered WIRELESS DSL!"
*THUD*

Me: "Right click on my computer. Choose properties."
C: "I don't see properties, I have C:, D:, Control Panel..."
*THUD*
Me: "No no, you left clicked on it. Close that window and right click."
C: "I know how to click! And when I click I see this stuff again!"
*THUD*
Me: "No no, click with the right mouse button, the one on the right."
C: "I am clicking on the right one! It's the one I always use."
Me: "*THUD* No. The button on the right of the mouse!"
C: "Right... of the mouse?"
Me: "The *THUD* one *THUD* under *THUD* your *THUD* middle *THUD* finger. *THUD*"
C: "OOOOOooooOH! *Laughs* Boy I feel dumb!"
Me: Not half as dumb as you should. "Ok, click on properties."
C: "It says 'place shortcut here.' How long am I supposed to hold it for?"

Me: *Not on phone* "Christ, you people are retards! I can't believe I help you idiots set up WIRELESS routers! I give your entire neighborhoods FREE internet access! You complain about the spam, adware, spyware, and virii, and wonder why it's so prevalent?! TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR YOU WORTHLESS *$#%$@! IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU THAT MY ENTIRE INTERNET IS INNUNDATED WITH THIS COMPLETE AND TOTAL HORSE@*@#! GOD ALMIGHTY LET ME JUST KILL YOU ALL BEFORE I COMMIT SEPPUKU WITH A SPORK FOR HELPING AOL REJECTS CONTINUE TO KEEP BONZAI BUDDY ALIVE!! *beep* (Sound of phone picking up for a customer.) Thank you for calling DSL technical support, my name is Paco, how can I help you today?"

My coworkers think I'm trying to do nasty things to myself in my little half-cube.

Comments

[zig-mover.livejournal.com]

Me: "Just making sure, the MODEMS phone line connects to a FILTER. Trace it back for me to make sure that's the right phone cable."

I don't think I got this one. Why would you tell them the modem connects to a filter?

[disgruntledgrrl.livejournal.com]

I think means Router but when you say router you open up a whole new can of worms.
My client's confuse their routers with the Hub, the modem, and the ups.

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

I was confirming what they were saying to me that the phone line from the modem was indeed plugged into a filter, and that wasn't just another phone line leading to, say, the phone they're talking on. I always try to double or triple confirm that with the 'special' customers.

[zig-mover.livejournal.com]

ohhhh, okay.

And they always get snappy when I try to double, triple, or quadruple something they've said, because their logic is just so beyond me. Like we are the idiots or something, for having a problem comprehending how one could be that dumb.

[rileydag.livejournal.com]

I feel you pain.....

[taleya.livejournal.com]

Adsl modem connecting to a central filter, I'd assume...

Customers are complete IDIOTS when it comes to those things. Jesus christ. PHONE MEANS PHONE. MODEM MEANS MODEM. How the HELL can you screw that up?

The best one I ever had, however was a doozy....

Customer had their modem running off a microfilter (for phones) into the LINE port of their central filter, had the phone plugged into MODEM and the line to the wall plugged into PHONE.

And then they somehow managed to stuff the RJ-45 from the modem into their internal 56k modem.

Mindboggling. And can you imagine trying to troubleshoot THAT over the phone? Drove me nuts. NUTS, I say!

[zig-mover.livejournal.com]

Mindboggling. And can you imagine trying to troubleshoot THAT over the phone? Drove me nuts. NUTS, I say!

That's one of the reasons I wish I could work on-site.

Not to be able to remedy problems like that easily. To be able to smack these people upside the head.

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

The urge to kill my customers after entering their home to be assaulted every minute by the incessant beeping of at least three different smoke alarms with low/no batteries would be, I feel, too strong to risk being in the same state with them.

I don't think I'd be able to find 12 angry men/women who'd be able to understand the 'temporary insanity induced by exposure to complete n00b' defense. Especially when they find I killed them using only cat-5 cable and a crimping tool.

[sensrhps.livejournal.com]

My parents use aol. on one hand, I've tried to get them off it, they refuse. "It's easy! I'm used to it!"

On the other hand, i'm sure if they decided to go with another isp, they'd call me for every little thing that they didn't understand, and i don't need that kind of pressure from the family.

catch-22. i wanna help them, but i'm afraid of the consequences.

[varjosusi.livejournal.com]

you've got one person who'd understand ;)

but why do you even need a crimping tool...the inner wires are thin enough, yet strong enough to garrote someone ;)

[geekgrrl-ca.livejournal.com]

The center I work at has a policy on this. It's (naturally) not allowed.