Some stupid quotes this week

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

80 year old man from Florida:

"I can't get on the chat!!!"
"sir which chat is this? Is this the tech support chat?"
"It's the chat right here!"
"What is the link on your browser?"
"I don't know I just want to chat!"
"What does it say after http://..."
"chat.msn.com"
"Then you need to sign up for an account on either msn.com or hotmail.com"
"Can I just type in a username?"
"Do you have one?"
"I can make it up"
"Sir, you can't just make it up, you need to sign up for an account on hotmail or if you have an msn.com account."
"So where do I do this?"
"On the link that says hotmail.com"
"And I just type in anything?"
"You have to create it to make sure no one else has that username to get on with."
"But I want to chat how long will this take me?"

shorter than the time it takes for you to argue with me about wanting to chat!

"Shouldn't take but a couple of minutes to sign up. Then you can chat on chat.msn.com. Our company is not affiliated with it nor do we endorse it."
"Um okay. Thanks." *click*



35-40 year old man from Florida:

"I can't get to my email."
"Which program are you using to get to your mail?"
"I don't know. I just click a button on my keyboard and my mail appears."
"Are you able to surf?"
"Yes, but I can't get my mail. I get a blank screen when I click the button."
"Are you using a compaq computer?"
"No, HP."
"So there is a shortcut on your keyboard?"
"Yes and now I clicked on some stuff and changed some settings and I don't know what I did but when I click on the button my mail doesn't appear. You know it's a screen that shows all the messages on top and the message is down below."
"Yes outlook or outlook express? Or maybe it's netscape?"
"I don't know but it's gone."
"Is there an icon on your desktop that says outlook or outlook express?"
"No."
"Under programs?"
"No."

he probably didn't look

"Sir this is an issue that is not related to our company. You need to call HP to get the shortcuts set again."
"But I can't get my mail."

walk through the steps on how to access webmail which took 20 minutes because he couldn't switch between signing in for his daughter and himself. He was looking at his own account and an email from his daughter saying that it was his daughter's account.

"I don't like this. I just want to click on my mail and it's there."
"Well you're going to have to call HP since this isn't one of our products and we don't service it."
"*sigh* I guess so. But what happened to my other mail? It wasn't on the webmail."
"it's on your hard drive in your outlook or outlook express program. You've already downloaded it off the mail server."
"But where is it? Is it with the button I push?"
"That button is connected to your email program which you need to call HP for. You can get your mail via webmail."
"Well thanks for not helping me."

Did I fuck up your little BUTTON?




Old woman from Florida:

"Now what do you want me to type?"
"I would like you to type in the address bar on Internet Explorer water.com"
"How do I do that?"
"Go up, click once on the words in the address bar, highlight them and delete them. Use the delete key on your keyboard."
"Where is that key?"
"Near the enter key?"
"Where is that?"
"Do you see the 4 arrows?"
"Yes."
"It's slightly above that?"
"Where?"
"Under insert, next to end."
"Well I think I'm stupid because I can't find it."

No shit!




A person on the East Coast:

"We are having an issue with some webpages that have their servers on the west coast."
"But I'm on the east coast that shouldn't affect me."
"If you tried to go to sites such as yahoo.com and ebay.com you may not get to them. We're having a router issue on that part of the 'net."
"I don't have a router. I just can't connect to yahoo.com"
"Right that server is located on the west coast."
"But I I told you, I'm on the east coast."
o.O

"My internet is broken!"
"Do you have three wires hooked up on the back of it?"
"No just two."
"Does one go to the computer?"
"No. One is cable and one is power..."
"One should go to the computer."
"Oh."



"I can't get on my computer!"
"Ma'am is your computer not able to boot up or can't you surf the internet"
"I can't surf the internet!"
"ARe you close to your cable modem and computer?"
"I'm 71 years old! My modem is under my desk! I can't reach it to reboot it! Why doesn't my connection work!"
"CAn you tellme what the cable lights are doing?"
"No! It's under the desk!"
"Ma'am if You can't reach the cable modem I am not able to trouble shoot the problem"
"When can you troubleshoot the problem?"
"When you are able to reach the modem."
"Um Okay I'll call back."
"thank you for calling..." *click?*


Customer from VA:

"I just paid my bill and my modem isn't working. It hasn't worked for three months."
"I see the payment however I also see that you called in on september 19th and you had a problem then. You were going to set up a trouble call?"
"Yes but I had to check my work schedule."
"Well your modem isn't online and it doesn't have sync, the earliest appointment is on Friday between 9 and 11am?"
"That far off? I mean I'm paying all this money for months and months and it doesn't work."
*kids screaming in the background - caller from southern virginia*
"But ma'am you said that you had to call back to find out your work schedule so you could set up the last trouble call. If you don't call in to tell us you have a problem, we don't know about it."
"Well I GUESS I'll HAVE to take friday, can you get it any earlier?"
"I can try."
"I'm paying all this money and it's just not working..."
MAYBE IF YOU FUCKING CALLED IN AND SET UP AN APPOINTMENT IT WOULD FUCKING WORK!
"I'll see what I can do..."


Girl named "Britney" from WV chewing gum like a cow:

"When you get to the desktop, please open your browser..."
"What's a desktop?"
"That's the screen where you see all the little icons on it."
"What's a browser?"

Comments

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

god.... *twitches*... flashbacks...

[dubhain.livejournal.com]

Death's too good for them, really....

[mtlchick.livejournal.com]

You know sometimes I think we all speak to the exact same people.

[invader-kitty.livejournal.com]

I work for an isp in Australia and I think you're right.

[graysong.livejournal.com]

Flashbacks are right ...thank goodness I only work with the field techs and the Partner tech supports reps nowadays ....

ha!

[khrysta.livejournal.com]

"I'm 71 years old! My modem is under my desk! I can't reach it to reboot it! Why doesn't my connection work!"
^^^Wow. Fantastic.

I love your icon! ^_^

Re: ha!

[jahbulon.livejournal.com]

Thats what cracks me up too..

I love how they interject with that crap.

"Could you please click on start?"
"I'm 82 mate"
"...Ok. Could you click on start using your gnarled, withered, used-up old-mans-hand then please?"

Reminds me of John Cleese's How To Irritate People - a scene on a gameshow with tim brooke-taylor playing an old woman who constantly interjects with "I'm 95!" "I'm 143!" "I'm 843! Today!"

Classic.

Re: ha!

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

*laughs* That's what I want to say! Why does age play a part in whether or not they can click on something on the desktop?

Also, why the fuck are the modems in places that they can't reach?

Or what about those calls that you have to yell into your headset because the customers are hard of hearing? argh!

[microchip.livejournal.com]

"Under insert, next to end."
One note on that one? A lot of newish keyboards (especially Micro$oft ones) have a weird little verticle block, consisting of a Home key top left, a 2-button-size-downwards Delete key, and on the right going down, End, Page Up, Page Down.

Of course, that doesn't explain the lack of being able to spot the word "Delete"...

[swwinchester.livejournal.com]

And after they called you, they CAME to me. -_-

"What's the problem sir?" "My cable modem won't connect." :: pauses and a few blinks :: "OK, we're not able to fix your cablemodem at the store, sir." "Why not?" "Does your cable line run to our store, sir?" "No." "That's why, sir."

Sadly, this will remain a problem as long as people who do not understand even the basics of the technology they are using insist on using it.

The real problem is that there is no way for the technology to KILL them for failing to grasp the basic concepts. In a car, if you fail to grasp the basic concepts involved in using your equipment, you crash and stand a good chance of DYING. In utilizing kitchen equipment, if you do not understand the basic concepts of the knfie, you stand a good chance of cutting yourself open and DYING. In using a computer, the worst you can do is piss off a technician enough that we would go on a rampage killing people, and probably NOT get the person who needs to DIE. -_-

[billysapphire.livejournal.com]

I say you put a little hammer or something inside of the monitor and when they do something stupid while they are on their own it whacks them. It we are on the phone with them, we should have a butoon that allows us to activate said hammer when and as many times as needed.

[billysapphire.livejournal.com]

Reminds me of one. I supported POS in restaurants and in this particular case we shipped out a replacement stinkjet ptr (Why bother fixing them, just toss them. Hell, My old manager used to buy a new printer whenever they ran out of ink as it was cheaper than buying the carts.) Well, He did manage to get it out of the box but that was all he managed. He called in saying that the printer was not working at all. Of course there was no power and when I asked him to check the cables and there were none plugged in (they were in the trash, he didn't think that he needed them for anything.) It took me 30 minutes to get this idiot to grasp the concept that the printer and computer can't communicate on some higher plane without a physical connection. MORON. Sad part is that this ass was likely making 3 or more times what I was.