EPIPHANY!!!!!

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!
*positively giddy*

i just thought... of the most... kick ass... idea....

here is the plan... let's start up a site... or a company... or hell just hand out phone numbers on the web...
rule is, to the average newb customer having problems with their computer....

ABSOLUTELY FREE PHONE INTERNET/COMPUTER TECH SUPPORT.

THAT's RIGHT!!!
THE HIGHLY SKILLED technicians at valis enterprises TOTALLY FREE TECH SUPPORT will GLADLY help you with WHATEVER problems you may have, ABSOLUTELY FREE OF ANY AND ALL CHARGES!!
hell, let's get a 1800 number!!!!

now... as you know... no one really gets anything for free... so yes... there is ONE itty bitty widdle catch:
Our highly skilled technical staff has complete carte blanche when talking with you and helping you with your problem. they are free to say exactly what they think of the problem, it's source, and it's solution.

think you can handle that?
messed up your computer? can't get your email? WE CAN HELP YOU!!!


here is a sample call i'm dreaming up... :
caller: "yes high, totally free internet and computer tech support?"
Technician: "why yes, what can i help you with today?"
caller: "i just switched to bellsouth from comcast, but my homepage still says comcast, how do i switch it?"
technician: "oh jesus, another one of these, look, this isn't hard. it's in the OPTIONS TAB. open up your browser"
caller: "my what?"
technician: "your WEB BROWSER, you know that lil thing that pops up all the pretty pictures when you go online?"
caller "okay, i have it open"
technician "okay, click on TOOLS and then OPTIONS, do you see where it says "HOME PAGE"?"
caller: "um... it says... preferences... mail delivery... mail format..."
technician: "okay, you're not hearing me very well, do you have any hearing problems currently?"
caller: "um... no... "
technician: "well, you seem to have your OUTLOOK open, and NOT your web browser, do you normally view webpages through your email program?"
caller: "um... no..."
technician: "nope, you dont!! so why dont you open the lil thingie that shows the web pages for me, mmmmmkay?"
caller: "okay, it's open, click on tools and then what?"
technician: "wow, what a wonder tv has done for our attention spans eh? tools and then OPTIONS!!! do you SEE where it says HOME PAGE!?"
caller: "yeah"
technician: "does it say comcast.com?"
caller: "yeah"
*45 seconds of silence*
caller: "um, what do i do?"
technician: "well we can either sit here staring at www.comcast.com and HOPE that it changes magically to www.bellsouth.com OR we can type it in the little box"
caller: "oh... um... okay... "
technician: "got bellsouth.com in there?"
caller: "um, yeah"
technician : "open your browser and tell me what pops up."
caller: "ooohh, THERE bellsouth is!"
technician: "yeah!! kinda cool how we CHANGED your homepage to bellsouth, and it pops up as your HOMEPAGE now huh?"
caller: "okay, thanks free tech support!"
technician: "no problem newbie, now run off and download that spyware."
caller" "okay!*
*click*

how many of you would volunteer to give your services away for free, for like... one hour a week, IF... you could actually say what you normally say right after hitting the mute button?

i know I WOULD
just THINK of the possibilities... "ooh... seems like a pebkac (problem exists between keyboard and chair) error." "what does that mean?" "it means you should give this computer to a 9 year old who can actually do something useful with it."
valis

Comments

[usekh.livejournal.com]

I have had this dream for many many years ;)

[reddragdiva]

FlexNet in Hawaii (not to be confused with Flex.Net in Houston) have offered something similar for many years. That is, they give you the config sheet, then you're ON YOUR OWN, BUDDY! Even for ADSL: "If you need more help than this, then STOP RIGHT HERE. FlexNet is NOT for you. Please go sign up with LavaNet." And they even provide a link to the competitor's signup page ;-)

[jacobine.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's awesome.

And I had a moment, since I used to use flex.net in Houston, where I went 'Huh?'

Of course, when I was with flex.net many moons ago, they let me me one of less than 10 people who got to keep a free shell account for a while, since I didn't abuse it with irc bots.

[jacobine.livejournal.com]

I believe my swearing problem would get much worse under these circumstances.

[oddball42.livejournal.com]

my problem is who will take the calls. you would still have to pay me to talk to these people.

and the legal issues...

turn it into computer technical consulting and make it a subscription service. kinda like AAA for computers, then add that id be there.

"well sir being that you completely re-arranges settings in a random fashion without consulting anyone you will need to see a local technician (list of partners here) or we can resintall."

[dmsalem00.livejournal.com]

If I didn't have a family, you'd have me 60+ hours a week simply for room, board, and PC expenses.

[taleya.livejournal.com]

am i the only one who found the sampler a bit over the top? :P Either I'm an incredibly mellow person, or all those years volunteering at a mentally disabled kids school has given me the perfect training for dealing with users :D

The ones who genuinly need help - they dont know their system, their computer is just a tool, who don't know where the hidden settings are and whos eyes don't automatically zip to exactly the right spot out of sheer unfamiliarity I can deal with. The grannies who have been given something so they can keep in touch with their kids and stare at it in blind panic and hope you can help them they're actually a joy - they're literally calling for help because they don't know where else to turn. (and as a consequence are NICE and APPRECIATE YOU) I'm helping people! Yay!

But the ones who THINK they know what they're doing? and therefore assume that you don't? Smack 'em dowwwn bitch. Like one customer who sent us a 9 page email of rants and firewall logs, saying he was being attacked and HOW DARE we allow this to happen and WE SHOULD TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION....dude, IP of 127.0.0.1 = you're an idiot.

Then there was the woman who demanded we stop harassing her about an overdue bill or she'll cancel her account....I came within an INCH of telling her "Why the fuck should we care? We're not getting any money out of you as it is!"

[jacobine.livejournal.com]

We had a guy who was of the 'totally unable to deal with computers' variety at work. He was in his 70s, probably. He was SUCH a nice man and he tried so very hard. Yet... he just couldn't get it. He really did try, but you absolutely could not walk him through anything, and you couldn't get mad because really... he was trying!

Generally, if we got him on the phone, we'd send a tech out rather than try to make him do anything more complicated than reboot.

[liquidmercurial.livejournal.com]

am i the only one who found the sampler a bit over the top?

Yes and No. I see both perspectives. I have reached burnout MANY times and gotten to the point that even the innocent, sweet little grannies still deserve a smack over the head in my mind.

I do see your side as well though. That perspective was on my good days... I just figure that at some point the author of the post above had to have worked for SBC and talked to their moron...er, customers.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

i worked internet tech support for the most backward, hick, inbred parts of alabama and tennessee.

you must hear some calls i have recorded

[dmsalem00.livejournal.com]

And I fixed computers in some of the most backward, hick, inbred parts of alabama and tennessee.

I know this valis's pain, trust me.

[boredevilperson.livejournal.com]

Sounds like how people go this resturant out here in Chicago (I think they have a few around the country) called Ed Debevics (I might be misspelling that) Part of the atmosphere is the waitresses take a mean attitude and verbally abuse you.

This could be the Ed Debevics of tech support! :-)

[dmsalem00.livejournal.com]

My fiance told me about that, but I think there was a place like that in New Orleans(where she used to live). That's what I was thinking when I first saw that, too.

[boredevilperson.livejournal.com]

It almost makes me wonder if it actually would have a niche. lol

[bookofnights.livejournal.com]

On grave, one of the techs was prone to saying to customers "Helen Keller was blind and deaf and she could still communicate better than you can!"

Sometimes he hit mute, first :)

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

YOU'RE JUST ABOUT AS USELESS AS JPG'S TO HELLEN KELLER!

[bottleopener.livejournal.com]

Awesome idea, count me in :D As long as the customer knows the verbal barrage they are going to get when they do stupid shit with their computers and then call up to get someone to help them fix it.

Bottle

[harry-whodunnit.livejournal.com]

Now I just know everyone who calls that number for help will already have a cache full of BDSM porn.

[valiskeogh.livejournal.com]

oohhhh... we could have a 10 pic tax

[tryss.livejournal.com]

Wow.. sign me up.. I'm tired of the damn cup-holder calls